DR MAX PEMBERTON: Men DO talk about their feelings – just not in the same way women do

Men are bad at communicating. At least that’s what we’re told. The image of the typical man is one sitting in a pub, discussing the football results or nursing a pint while staring into the middle distance. 

Men are berated for not talking about and sharing their feelings enough, with more and more women refusing to accept the traditional masculine methods of handling things. This, according to a psychologist, has led to a rise in the number of lonely, single men. 

In an article last week, U.S. psychologist Greg Matos argued that men are lonelier than ever as they struggle to meet the higher dating standards of modern women who want ‘men who are emotionally available, good communicators and share similar values’. 

It’s important to state that when we talk about the communication styles of ‘men’ and ‘women’, these are, of course, generalisations. There are some men who are very open about their feelings, and some women who are not. But, as a rule, men tend to hold back in comparison to the opposite sex. 

There’s always been much debate about why this is and whether it has a neurological basis or is entirely down to cultural or societal expectations. Whatever the underlying cause, study after study has shown that the two sexes interact in different ways. 

But are men that bad at communicating? I’m not convinced. I think the issue is that, increasingly, society views the way women communicate — sitting down with a coffee and having a chinwag, opening their heart and discussing the minutiae of every emotion — as the way to do it. 

Yet, I listen to men in conversation and they’re not the closed books many believe. Rather than talk about feelings for the sake of it, they tend to discuss concrete, real-world things such as sport or politics, and then punctuate this with snippets of how they are feeling and their problems. 

For me, the real issue lies not in the contrasting methods by which the two sexes communicate, but in the different expectations to the responses given. 

Men tend to be more solution focused. They believe that if you speak in response to someone, then you have to provide something new, informative, practical or logical. The point is to help. 

The complaint I often heard when working with couples was that the man didn’t ‘listen’ — but when you drilled down into exactly what this meant, it was often that he didn’t respond in the way that was required. This meant that, while he may have heard what his partner was saying, he didn’t make the right emotional noises back to her. One wife illustrated the problem perfectly. She would come home each evening and wanted to talk about her day. She’d recount all the ups and downs in the office and her husband would sit silently as she talked on, except when he occasionally responded by offering advice. 

This practical approach would frustrate her. It took a long time for them to realise the problem was that they were simply coming at things from different angles. 

The wife just wanted her husband to listen, nod sympathetically and ‘make all the right noises’. Yet the husband assumed his wife was telling him about her day because she was seeking concrete solutions to her problems. He was annoyed that she didn’t seem to listen to him because she rarely acted on his suggestions.

But she felt he was dismissing her worries since he always seemed to have an answer to her problems. 

The conflict comes from neither party understanding what’s going on in the other’s head. 

What I find frustrating is the assumption that the way men communicate is ‘bad’ as opposed to the female method. 

There’s a view that talking about problems — airing things for the sake of it — is good for your mental health. You may be surprised to learn that there’s actually no good evidence for this. Certainly, men are more likely to take their own lives, but the reasons for this are incredibly complex and can’t simply be put down to men not talking about their feelings enough. 

Interestingly, despite women being lauded for their communication style, they don’t experience any better mental health. In fact, they are more prone than men to conditions such as depression and anxiety. 

Maybe it’s time to accept that men and women have contrasting ways of communicating, and neither is right or wrong. They’re just different. 

TOM’S RIGHT TO TURN OFF THE TROLLS 

Actor Tom Holland is taking a break from social media because it’s ‘detrimental’ to his mental health. The Spiderman star explained how he ‘spirals’ when he reads things about himself online. 

Good for him — and what a great example he’s setting. I think a lot of people — especially young people — would benefit from taking a break from social media. 

So many people seem incapable of basic good manners when they are behind a keyboard. It’s one thing not liking someone and discussing that on a forum, but I’m horrified by those who feel at liberty to message people directly saying hateful things. 

It’s not just the younger generation that experience this. Over the years I have been bombarded with hate messages when I’ve written things people don’t agree with. People have even sent me threats, tracked down family members and circulated online where I live. 

Now, I limit my use of social media. It was one of the best things I’ve ever done for my mental health. 

• A record 173,000 over-65s are returning to work as inflation hits pensioners. While I’m distraught that the cost of living crisis has affected people so severely they are having to come out of retirement, this cloud does have a silver lining. Not only do older people have a wealth of experience that is lost when they retire, they also have a very different attitude to work compared with younger generations. I saw this during the pandemic when older doctors, nurses and other health professionals returned to work and witnessed how willing they were to roll up their sleeves and get on with things. I, for one, will welcome them returning and helping to change the culture in some small way. 

‘Designer vagina’ surgery has doubled in a year according to a top surgeon, with some saying it’s because of gym culture and women wearing revealing leggings to work out in. It isn’t medical — it’s purely aesthetic. What’s happening when women feel they need to have their intimate areas cut in this way?

DR MAX PRESCRIBES… 

POTTED PLANTS 

Propagate, by Paul Anderton and Robin Daly, is a beautiful book about how to grow your own houseplants from cuttings and seeds. There’s something soothing about growing plants and this teaches you how to do it at a fraction of the cost of shop-bought ones. Put the plants you’ve grown in a nice pot for a cheap but thoughtful gift.