Expert reveals the five different types of toxic partner – and explains how to tell if you need help

A relationship expert has revealed the five different ways in which someone can be a toxic partner – while explaining whether or not your beau’s behaviour can actually be considered ‘toxic’.

Cathy Press, author of When Love Bites: A young person’s guide to escaping harmful, toxic and hurtful relationships, is a psychotherapist and clinical supervisor.

She specialises in domestic and sexual violence, and often works with children.

Speaking to FEMAIL, Cathy explained the attributes that make a partner ‘toxic’ – and warned the word can sometimes be misinterpreted.

However, she also outlined what she has identified as the five types of toxic partner: The charmer, the bully, the mindmixer, the taker and the keeper; and explained how they operate. 

Here, she lays out her advice for how to tell if you are in a toxic relationship, and the ways in which a toxic partner can present themselves…

What is ‘toxic behaviour’ in a relationship? 

According to Cathy, relationships rarely begin with either party expecting it to turn sour, and there is a natural excitement as you get to know another person.

However, when a relationship becomes toxic, the person on the receiving end of the unpleasant behaviour can be left confused.

An example of toxic behaviour is when your partner changes their behaviour and mood from one day to the next, appearing to be nice one minute and nasty the next.

Cathy explained: ‘This type of behaviour is typical of a toxic controlling and abusive relationship and should be considered a red flag.’

She added: ‘No matter what the starting point is in your relationship, a controlling and abusive partner will find ways to literally shrink your world and your life as you know it. 

‘They will squeeze out the other people in your life – your friends and family – and the things you love to do such as your studies, hobbies, interests and activities. 

‘They might take your money or possessions and give you rules about what you can and can’t do. When your world becomes so much smaller in this way, you can easily become more dependent on your partner.’

However, the psychologist added that, if you’re able to spot the red flags as they come, you are less likely to fall into the trap of being stuck in a toxic relationship.

What does not count as toxic behaviour?

Cathy says the word ‘toxic’ is ‘absolutely overused in different situations as a way of venting and insulting a person’. 

She explained: ‘It works as an insult because the word defines the attitudinal qualities of a person who behaves in a toxic way, typically manipulative, coercive, selfish and only concerned with their needs, will abuse their power, lacks sincerity and are never truly apologetic. 

‘The impact of this behaviour can be unpleasant to experience.’

She gave examples of ‘being shouted at, being ignored, being criticised or being compared to someone else’.

However, before jumping to the conclusion your partner is ‘toxic’, Cathy advised people to look at their relationships and determine if there is a pattern of similar behaviour, or if it is just a ‘one-off’.

She said: ‘In a relationship with a loving partner, you would be safe to tell them that you didn’t like something they may be doing; your loving partner would apologise, take responsibility for their behaviour and wouldn’t do it again. 

‘However, when you start to experience a few of these behaviours working together it creates a different context where we identify patterns of coercion and control. 

‘This can include a broad range of behaviours that lead you to feel unsafe or uncomfortable with your partner and should be considered a red flag in your relationship.’

What happens when you are in a toxic relationship? 

According to Cathy, many people in a toxic relationship become desensitised to their partner’s behaviour, especially if the partner is not aggressive or violent – but they will always be affected by coercive behaviour in some way.

She said: ‘Being treated in this toxic way may leave you believing that you are stupid or useless, that you are hard to love or are un-loveable, that you are always to blame and/or that you are worthless. 

‘As a consequence, you can begin to feel less and less like yourself, and after a while you may forget what it is like to be your normal self.

‘You may not talk to anyone about what is happening because it is so hard to define it until the effect on you is significant and more obvious to you. Many will go to their GP when the symptoms of how they feel become so unbearable to manage or contain. 

‘You will likely share how you are feeling but may not discuss the context of coercive and controlling behaviours in your toxic relationship and the way in which your partner is persistently reducing you.’

How can you get out of a relationship with a toxic partner safely?

Cathy warned anyone who wants to leave their toxic relationship to make sure they have some support from another person in their life.

‘It can’t be stressed enough how important it is to talk through ending an abusive relationship with someone supportive you trust,’ she said.

‘You may not be aware of how far the controlling partner is prepared to go to prevent you from leaving them, so support is so needed. 

She advised anyone who wants to walk away to talk to their friends and family, ensuring there is a place to stay if needed, or even just a listening ear. 

Cathy added if someone has serious concerns for their safety, they should speak to a professional, and suggested contacting a charity like Women’s Aid or Refuge.

‘Work with your sources of support to create a proper plan for safely leaving the relationship,’ she said.

‘Cover what you will do if things don’t go as planned and how to get the best out of your support network particularly when you are having a wobble or doubt about your decision to leave.’