Caroline West-Meads: Why does he behave as though I don’t exist?

Q I’m a 67-year-old woman and have been with my husband for 25 years. He is 17 years my junior, which until now hasn’t been a problem. 

However, I think that he has become infatuated with a woman of 45 at the wild-swimming club we both go to. It is not her fault, she is a lovely lady – fun-loving and kind. 

On several occasions recently, my husband has behaved as though I don’t exist and seems only to like larking around with this woman while I get no attention. I’m trying hard not to be the jealous wife as I don’t want to spoil our hobby. 

Thus far, I haven’t mentioned to him that I’m hurting inside. I saw him looking at a photo of us all and he was zoomed in on this woman in her revealing swimming costume. I don’t know what to say without it causing a big argument.

Q I’m a 67-year-old woman and have been with my husband for 25 years. He is 17 years my junior, which until now hasn’t been a problem

A  It must be very upsetting and hurtful to think that your husband might be infatuated with another woman, especially one much younger. 

Unfortunately, age-gap relationships can be difficult. If a woman is significantly older, she can feel insecure about whether her husband still finds her attractive as she ages. 

Of course you can be glamorous and desirable at 67, but it is understandable that the situation plays into your worst fears. 

I’m afraid there is no other option than to talk to your husband. But it doesn’t need to cause a big argument. You have so much history together and, by the sound of it, still have a good relationship. 

Be honest and ask for the same in return, even if it is painful. Start by telling your husband how much you love him and how happy you have always been with him, but how unhappy this current situation is making you. Explain your insecurities.

It is not uncommon for such crushes to develop in long-term relationships, but sometimes people can make a conscious effort to pull back. 

If your husband is willing, it would be a good idea to consider counselling together (see relate.org.uk) to discuss what will happen as you age and whether you can rekindle that spark. I hate to add to your worries, but it is better to be prepared.

When there is a large age gap, the younger partner inevitably ends up in a carer’s role, which can lead to resentments and difficulties – and so it is best to think about how this will be negotiated now.

If this woman is as nice as you say and you are sure you can trust her, it might be possible to talk to her (without it getting back to your husband). She may well not be interested in him and is perhaps just naturally flirtatious. 

If she becomes aware that he has a crush on her, she might be able to downplay the friendship and try instead to include you or others more. I am sorry, none of this is easy and I wish you well.

My mother-in-law has gone too far 

Q Our two daughters recently stayed for a weekend with my mother-in-law and she took the eldest, who is seven, for a haircut without asking. 

Our daughter had beautiful long hair which has now been cut into an awful bob. She is distraught and keeps crying about it. I didn’t want my daughter to know that I thought the cut was dreadful so I didn’t say anything at the time to my mother-in-law.

Instead I rang after we got home and told her how angry I was. She was huffy and defensive and said that my daughter’s hair had been scruffy. 

I asked my husband to tell his mother that she is not to make decisions about our children again, but he says that she’ll just get angry and I should let it go.

Q Our two daughters recently stayed for a weekend with my mother-in-law and she took the eldest, who is seven, for a haircut without asking. I asked my husband to tell his mother that she is not to make decisions about our children again, but he says that she’ll just get angry and I should let it go

A I’m not surprised that you are angry. I would be too. It is not your mother-in-law’s place to decide such things without consultation – especially when your daughter is so young that she was probably too timid to make her own feelings known. 

You did really well not to let your daughter know your views about her haircut – hopefully that will help her feel better about it. 

Unfortunately, your mother-in-law does sound overbearing and I suspect that your husband might have grown up feeling intimidated by her. 

It sounds as if he cannot stand up to her even now, but he needs to set boundaries with his mother, otherwise she will continue to overstep the mark.

I would be surprised if your children were still happy to be left with her in future. So discuss the matter with your husband again and explain that for your daughters’ sakes you both need to support each other in standing up to his mother.

• If you have a problem, write to Caroline West-Meads at YOU, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email [email protected]. You can follow Caroline on Twitter @Ask_Caroline_