‘I turned obsessive about one other lady and informed my spouse – now we’re stronger’

A man revealed how he became “obsessed” with another woman – but his marriage is stronger than ever.

Ruth Perl, 58, and her other half David, 64, have dedicated 13 years to getting over the sticky situation. Despite his obsession, he never made a move on the woman.

But then told her her after having a heart-to-heart with Ruth. He researched “limerence”, which is having constant, intense crush-like thoughts about someone.

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David claimed his feelings were a bit of an unwanted headache – he couldn’t help himself and wasn’t up for starting a fling with the woman.

After opening up to Ruth, the pair worked on mending their bond – and now their marriage is better than ever. David is a therapist living in St. Albans, Herts.

He said: “It wasn’t a normal crush, it was weird and disturbing – but we’ve put in the years to heal ourselves since. It was a difficult one.

“I did end up telling the other person, as I was encouraged to do so through therapy. I think she was horrified – in hindsight, it was really unfair to put that on her.

“But it’s all about forgiveness, we’ve done the work and are happier than ever.”

David met the woman he fancied on January 14, 2011 – after chatting with her at a training session. Their conversation lasted only 20 minutes, but it was enough for David.

He found himself “besotted” with her and unable to pinpoint exactly why. He confessed: “I’ve had crushes before. But this was different – it was unusual.”

And David couldn’t stop thinking about her for weeks on end. He turned to the internet and stumbled on forums about “obsessive love”, and discovered limerence.

He admitted: “I thought, ‘jeez, this is exactly what I’m experiencing’. Something wasn’t right – I was completely obsessed and we’d only spoken for 20 minutes.

“I kept replaying every single word she said to me, every little gesture. The moment I woke up, I’d rehearse in my head what I might say to her if she approached me.

“I’d feel elated if she responded to an email – and utterly dejected if she didn’t. It was like a sporadic reward.”

Realising these feelings weren’t going away anytime soon, he decided to confide in Ruth – who also happens to be a couples’ therapist.

She revealed: “David told me, and all of this happened about five days after my father’s funeral.

“I was in the throes of terrible grief at the time, so my initial reaction was: ‘Oh, for God’s sake. How can you be so bloody stupid?’

“My dad had just passed away, and my husband wanted to escape into a fantasy world. We were in freefall, and the following 12 months were incredibly tough.”

After dedicating a year to mourning her father, Ruth finally found the “brain capacity” to sit down with David and discuss his feelings.

He didn’t act on his emotions and had consciously decided not to “consummate” his infatuation.

Ruth recalled: “David reached out to me. David thought about her, night-and-day, for weeks. He looked online at forums about it.”

She advised him to embrace the confusion, promising to support him as much as possible. However, she admitted: “But I knew that what will be will be, we might not necessarily make it out of this.”

David confessed: “We started having marriage counselling – and one thing I want to stress is it isn’t an excuse to cheat.”

He took full responsibility for his actions but acknowledged it made him realise that people often don’t plan to have an affair.

Also David explored various therapeutic methods to “heal” from limerence, including cutting off contact or consummating the relationship with the other person.

He chose therapy and informed the woman that he could no longer communicate with her.

Now, David and Ruth assist other couples facing similar issues and have taught their daughters, Hannah-Mai, 32, and Isobel, 29, to value their relationships.

Ruth emphasised: “It was important our two daughters knew about all this.”

She added they were older teenagers when everything unfolded, and they understood it. She added: “We thought it was very important for them to understand that all marriages have differences.

“But you don’t throw the towel in when the going gets tough. Even when you’re talking about a full-blown physical affair. Once is a mistake, twice is a habit.”

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