I’ve £400k financial savings and no mortgage however I nonetheless fear about cash

I’m 59 and happily married to a wonderful husband who is ten years older than me. He receives a full state pension. I manage our small business, paying myself around £1,200 and putting £440 into a pension per month. All our income goes into one pot which I manage day-to-day as my husband is not really interested in our household financial management. He’s happy to have a bit of cash in his wallet and rarely uses his joint debit card.

We are mortgage free and have savings of around £400,000. Despite this comfort, I find it difficult to spend money on myself. I’m always hunting for the best value in everything – food, travel cosmetics etc.

I buy clothes infrequently and have wardrobes full of old stuff that I can’t bear to part with. When I was younger I was a single parent. There was never any extra money and we barely managed to get by. Although my daughter’s school fees were always paid, I often needed to use credit cards so we had enough food to eat. When I met my husband, he supported me in taking over the bulk of day-to-day expenses. Why can’t I now just relax and enjoy life without worrying so much about whether we have enough saved for our retirement?

It sounds like you hold on anxiously to things (like the old stuff in your wardrobe) and money is one of those things; you hold on to it and struggle to part with it, Vicky Reynal replies

Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal replies: I am sorry to hear that you’re finding it difficult to enjoy the money you have. A part of you knows you should just ‘relax and enjoy’ but another part is finding it hard to do. It sounds like you hold on anxiously to things (like the old stuff in your wardrobe) and money is one of those things: you hold on to it and struggle to part with it.

Having for years really struggled financially, you haven’t been able to re-adjust your spending habits to the new financial reality. This is because you might hold an unconscious fear that things could one day become precarious again (as unrealistic as that might be in light of your savings), and so you defend against your fear by holding on tightly to what you have.

But I wonder, since it’s not just money that it’s hard to part with, whether there isn’t something deeper going on. I wonder if you derive a sense of comfort and safety by holding on to things, and whether you’d feel quite vulnerable letting go of them. I have seen this in clients who have been emotionally deprived early in life – who have felt their parents or carers weren’t reliably available. So they hold on to things anxiously as a way to find security and comfort in the possession of something. They are always worried that at some point they will be left feeling ‘hungry’. You see, the fear could be about an emotional hunger, but in the present we address it by using other means: money stands for the safety net, the ability to look after ourselves and never be left longing again.

Vicky Reynal says the helpful question to ask yourself is: what would it feel like if I did try to enjoy the money I had?

For many people, a difficulty spending money could also be about the values they grew up with. If you were raised in a family that prided itself on modesty and self-sacrifice, then you might find it quite challenging as an adult to go against that model and be more indulgent with your money and your lifestyle.

Hopefully one of these will resonate. The helpful question to ask yourself is: what would it feel like if I did try to enjoy the money I had? Would it evoke guilt and regret? Or fear, leaving you feeling unsafe? Or fear of judgement – and if so, whose? Try to spell out what stops you accessing enjoyment and what it feels like. This will give you clues to figure out where the difficulty lies. And once you have found it, see if there is a different way to deal with it. If it is your parents’ lessons about modesty and frugality – do you still subscribe to those? Or have you taken them in too rigidly? Maybe you can have a new, more relaxed definition.

You could also try allocating a small budget every month to spend on ‘pleasure’ items. That money, safeguarded in a pot that you have calculated, is an amount you can afford, is yours to spend and it will not put other financial objectives at risk.

Do you have a question for Vicky Reynal? Email [email protected]. 

Vicky’s book Money On Your Mind: The Psychology Behind Your Financial Habits, by Bonnier books, £16.99 is out now.