DR MAX: The shocking well being causes it is time to let go of grudges

Do you bear grudges? Are you someone who dwells and stews on past arguments, raging with pent-up fury and resentment?

It’s easily done. You might have a lasting feeling of anger towards someone who let you down, or bullied you. Perhaps someone took credit for your work or made a nasty comment.

Maybe they gossiped about you or created unnecessary drama. It could be something altogether more trivial and petty. Whatever the reason, you just can’t move past it, stubbornly refusing to let bygones be bygones.

For years we have known that, from a psychological perspective, this isn’t healthy. Holding on to anger clouds people’s judgments and impacts on their long-term mood.

Now a new study reveals that it can also have a negative impact on our physical health. Scientists found even brief bouts of anger, triggered by recalling past experiences, impair blood vessels, raising the risk of a stroke and heart attack.

It’s tempting to think that not holding a grudge somehow lets the other person off the hook but, as wronged as we may feel, the reality is that letting our anger fester doesn’t punish the other person at all.

Certainly making sure your feelings are known is a good thing, but rejecting closure only eats you up inside and has little impact on how much regret or guilt the other party feels.

There’s another aspect to all this. Studies have shown that grudges can foster a sense of moral superiority, making them even harder to shake off.

The holder feels not only justified but convinced they are right and, therefore, the better person. Such thinking is also damaging to our long-term psychological health because it doesn’t allow us to learn from what happened, to attempt to understand it or even empathise with the other people involved.

Grudges aren’t inevitable. It’s interesting that studies have shown that people prone to jealousy, sensitivity, immaturity, negativity, and lack of impulse control, may be more likely to hold them.

Experiencing anger or annoyance in the moment is fine but never processing it will cause problems — and not just for you.

Feeling constantly resentful is something that is upsetting for other people in your life to witness. It comes across as bitter, unforgiving and entrenched and makes them wonder if, one day, they might find themselves on the receiving end of the same treatment.

So, given that grudges are not good for your mental or physical health, or interpersonal relationships, how do you let go of them?

Simply acknowledging that the grudge exists could help to diminish it.

One study of people who admitted to bearing grudges found that many of them couldn’t even fully remember why. Accepting yours and trying to recall and understand what led to it can help you get perspective.

Ask yourself why you have such a strong, emotional response to what happened or how someone behaved. Chances are your feelings relate to something else in your life.

For example, someone forgot your birthday but the pain this triggered is actually tied up in deeper fears of being alone, abandoned or rejected.

Consider your role in what happened and how you would now do things differently. Think about your boundaries and how you make them clear to other people. Remember that letting go of a grudge isn’t necessarily about forgiveness, but about no longer holding the anger.

Try to empathise. Rather than rushing to condemn someone else, consider why they might have behaved in a certain way. This doesn’t mean you excuse their behaviour, but understanding it means it’s easier to let it go.

Avoid jumping to conclusions. We often assume we know what someone was thinking or the motivation behind their actions without knowing for sure.

Could there be an alternative, more charitable, explanation for what happened?

Acknowledge your feelings, sit with them and think about how you can process them in a constructive way that allows you to move forwards rather than dwelling on the past.

Focus on developing other coping skills. Practise relaxation techniques, focusing on the positive, exercising and talking through things with friends in calm way.

Get perspective and let those negative feelings go!

I’m confused by people saying that if you care about the NHS you must vote Labour. I think the Tories have made many mistakes with the NHS over the years but you only have to look at the Labour-run Wales NHS to see what a disaster that’s been. 

You’re right to wait, Kate 

The Princess of Wales will not be returning to duties this month as some expected and won’t take part in Trooping the Colour rehearsals.

I’m pleased she’s taking her time after her chemotherapy.

When I worked in cancer care many years ago, I remember patients would often feel obliged to do things — from travelling to a wedding to attending a work meeting. I understood the desire to try to get back to a semblance of a normal life, but it would, very often, set back their recovery. 

They’d be exhausted for days just because they didn’t want to let others down. Cancer patients are also at a far greater risk of picking up infections.

She may be our future Queen but Kate is also a parent and if she has any spare energy it should be saved for her three children.

She’s setting us a great example on how to take time to convalesce.

I absolutely love the idea announced by Rishi Sunak that all 18 year olds will have to do National Service. This is something I’ve championed before in this column and I’m delighted the PM’s been listening! 

Yes, it will give a sense of civic pride which seems sorely lacking in many young people. But it will also be an opportunity to grow psychologically. It will force them to be more independent, to respect authority, and to understand team work. 

It will allow them to mix with people from other backgrounds while benefiting from structure and discipline. They’ll learn resilience and to be less self-obsessed. In years to come, they will look back with a sense of pride that will be a boost to them for the rest of their lives.

Dr Max prescribes… The 20-minute rule 

This is a surprisingly simple way to drink less. Every time you crave a glass of wine, wait 20 minutes before you pour yourself one. This applies to your first drink of the evening, as well as any thereafter. 

You can still have the drink after 20 minutes, but it’s a clever way of breaking the chain of knocking back several in quick succession when you’re out socialising or breaking that wine o’clock ‘it’s 6pm time for an end of day rosé’ habit. 

Who knows, at 6.20pm you may no longer have the urge.