My husband and I are at a stand-off about our son’s birthday current

My husband and I are at a stand-off about our son’s birthday present. Charlie is turning eight and has been begging us to buy him a game console that ‘all’ his friends have.

I know it’s not all his friends, but many do have it. Arthur, my husband, thinks it’s ridiculous to spend close to £400 on the console – which is more than we’d ever spend on any gift, ever – and says that Charlie will be fine without it.

When I was growing up, my family had financial struggles, so we’d get simple birthday presents, like a hula hoop one year, a skipping rope the next. 

My friends would be given expensive Barbies and Cabbage Patch Kids dolls. I’m worried as I know £400 is more money than we can afford right now; but equally, I know what it feels like to be the one kid who doesn’t fit in at school. 

‘It feels like you and Arthur are in agreement about the fact that £400 is a lot of money to spend on your son’s present,’ Vicky Reynal says

I was the only South Asian kid in a very white school in a small town and I had a very hard time, and always felt an outsider. 

Arthur is never bothered with what others think but he can’t see that Charlie will be left out of conversations if he doesn’t play the video games his friends play. What should we do?

Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal replies: It feels like you and Arthur are in agreement about the fact that £400 is a lot of money to spend on your son’s present. What you disagree on, however, is the value of this gift. 

For Arthur, this is just a game console that Charlie can live without. For you, it’s much more than that: it’s a social token that will protect him from feeling left out and even give him kudos with friends. 

The different views of you and your husband are a result of your different personalities and past experiences.

As you tell me, growing up as the one South Asian kid in your school and in a small community might have left you with a longing to fit in.

 Having often felt like the odd one out, you now want to protect your son from having a similar experience. 

Spending £400 on a gaming console so he can be part of those conversations is a small price to pay (in your mind) for the ‘social value’ it buys him. 

The desire to buy him an expensive gift and wow him is also a relic of the experiences watching your friends have Barbies, while you received a disappointing skipping rope. 

So the desire to protect your son from ever feeling that way could also be behind why you want to stretch your budget now.

Arthur on the other hand, sounds like he grew up freer of some of these insecurities. He sounds quite confident in himself and his position in a group or a community. He therefore doesn’t value the ‘social token’ you want to offer to your son by buying him this expensive gift. 

In his mind ‘Charlie will be fine without it’ because that’s his experience: he was fine, he didn’t need to try hard to fit in.

Vicky Reynal says the helpful question to ask yourself is: How helpful is it to your son that you are enabling his fitting in?

So the question I want you to ask is: how helpful is it to your son that you are enabling his fitting in? 

Isn’t there a risk that he might begin to either care too much about fitting in (because you care so much about it) or that he will be reliant on things that give him kudos to get people’s attention?

You might be passing on your social insecurities to him inadvertently rather than really helping him be free of them. 

Maybe, Arthur’s more relaxed approach (‘he’ll be fine’) might be making Charlie less dependent on external items to feel happy and a sense of belonging to his group.

The important thing is not to give Charlie what he wants – particularly if the family can’t afford it – but to be there for him and help him manage if he does start to feel left out. 

You can help him manage his experience rather than ‘fix it’ for him. This way he’ll develop healthier coping strategies rather than grow up to be an adult who overspends to fit in.

If you do decide to buy the console, how about a compromise? Why does Charlie need the brand-new and very latest model of a game console? Wouldn’t a refurbished one do – and save you half the money?

Do you have a question for Vicky Reynal? Email [email protected]. 

Vicky’s book Money On Your Mind: The Psychology Behind Your Financial Habits, by Bonnier books, £16.99 is out now.