SAUCY SECRETS: My little boy appears similar to my greatest mate…

Dear Jana,

I think my son might not be my son. He looks suspiciously like my best mate, they’ve both got blonde hair and really blue eyes. I have brown eyes and almost-black hair. My wife has always flirted with him, but I thought it was all in good fun. Now I’m not so sure. Is it wrong to ask for a paternity test?

Jackson

Oh Jackson, this is quite the dilemma! I remember a doctor friend of mine telling me this is WAY more common than we would assume, isn’t that wild. And I dare say you are not the first man to look at their child and ponder if their partner had been telling the truth, but let’s check out the stats on this one shall we.

A 2022 study published in ‘Human Reproduction’ delved into data from 1,211 men seeking paternity tests in the United States. The findings revealed that a whopping 11% were not the biological fathers of the children they were raising.

Cheeky, cheeky women!

I’ve always said our guts don’t lie when it comes to cheating. Any bloke I’ve thought has been unfaithful, has been. Every. Darn. Time. So, I think you are fair to question something your spidey senses have already picked up.

However, there’s a couple of things you must really consider here before asking for a paternity test. 

1. Do you want to know? Like, really. Once the test results are in there’s no going back. How would this affect your relationship with your son. You gotta ask yourself whether it’s worth it. 

2. Are you prepared to have an awkward conversation with your wife? Because let’s be honest, if your wife has been faithful, she is going to be mighty upset that you asked. Weigh up if your need to know the truth, outweighs your need to keep the family together.

If it makes you feel better, my brother and I look nothing alike, and we are definitely related. I was born with white blonde hair, fair skin and blue eyes. My brother has dark brown hair, dark brown eyes and lovely olive skin. 

I thought it was hilarious to tell everyone at school that he was the postman’s son for a cheap laugh, until one day he cracked it and I got grounded. Outrageous. Turns out my brothers’ beautiful dark features comes from my Mum’s Tongan ancestry – and both my Great Grandma and cousin are the same. 

So before you drop a bomb on your family, perhaps take a wonder down ancestry lane. You may just find the answers you seek.

Dear Jana,

My boyfriend is driving me nuts! He likes all these hot Instagram ‘models’ and is consistently liking their photos and leaving fire emoji’s under their bikini pics. Everytime I bring it up with me he tells me I’m being crazy and all guys do it. He says it’s just part of being a guy. It’s making me feel really insecure and I feel like it’s cheating. Am I in the wrong, or is he being disrespectful towards our relationship? Help!

Jess

Oh Jess, he’s doing it all wrong. He should do what all the weirdos on my Instagram do and make up a ‘finsta’ (which stands for fake Instagram account) to get his daily perve on. 

At least once a day I get a new follow request from some account called @josephrogersmore847237 or something along those lines. 

When I take a gander at who else they’re following it’s just a stream of bikini clad women. And I think to myself ‘ahhh yes another married bloke who doesn’t want their wife to know they are creepin’.

To do it so publicly from his own account is a rookie error and simply just rude. Don’t be letting this man gaslight you into believing it’s ok. It’s showing very little respect for you and I believe this is where that dreaded word ‘boundaries’ needs to come in.

Explain to him how it makes you feel and try and find out what his intent is. Like, does he like everyone’s Instagram pics, or is it just the hotties? Context matters.

Listen, at the end of the day we all have eyes. And when I finally jump into the deep end of a relationship, I’ll still be drooling over Jeremy Clarkson’s Account (I said what I said!) But will I be leaving thirsty messages under his photos. No. That’s just icky.

Dear Jana,

My boyfriend won’t stop farting in front of me. It is the foulest smell I’ve ever smelt. I actually told him he needs to change his diet, but he says it’s his gym protein shakes. It’s really turning me off to the point I don’t want to have sex with him. How do I get him to stop?

Lana

Lana, I believe farting in front of anyone other than your dog should be a criminal offence. We’re talking jail time! However, the last time I spoke about my hatred of public farts I got absolutely annihilated by men and women in the comments section. 

They went on and on saying there’s nothing wrong with a healthy toot in front of your loved one. ‘Its perfectly natural’, ‘It’s healthier to let it out then keep it in’ blah blah blah. But I have one question for these people… Are they having sex?? Seriously.

If a guy I’m fancying let’s one drop, I instantly think of the gross poo particles wafting around his nether regions. Eww. It makes me want to hand him a toilet roll and run. So I can understand where you are coming from.

I think a ‘small’ threat will do the trick. Let this man know in no uncertain terms: you don’t want to be dutch-ovened. You don’t think it’s funny to let one rip on a road trip with the windows up. 

And you certainly don’t want to detect his dietary imbalances by the scent of his horrendous pop-off. Tell him to clench those butt cheeks or he shall never touch your boobies again. That should stop him quick smart.

My parents were married for 20 years without one single ‘brrrrt’ being heard – and that’s just good manners.

What happened to romance people?