VICKY REYNAL provides recommendation on costly wedding ceremony reward requests

My partner and I have been invited to my cousin’s wedding in Tuscany. I’m close to my cousin so I definitely want to go and Tuscany is a place I’ve always wanted to visit.

Plus, there will be family who live outside the UK flying in for the wedding so I’ve got plenty of good reasons to attend. 

But, it’s Tuscany, in July. We’ve bought flights and they were so much more expensive than we expected. 

I don’t want us to look rude, stingy or even offend my cousin if we don’t get something from the wedding registry they have set up. But the cheapest item on the list is £150, writes a reader

We have rented an Airbnb rather than book the hotel where everyone else is staying because money is tight at the moment. 

Now, the gift: I don’t want us to look rude, stingy or even offend my cousin if we don’t get something from the wedding registry they have set up. 

But the cheapest item on the list is £150 and I cannot bring myself to spend that amount. 

I’ve argued with my partner who already thinks it’s ridiculous to give them an expensive gift after the huge amount of money we are spending just to be there.

‘The problem is that guests often ignore these statements as pleasantries rather than what they are actually meant to do: relieve others of the obligation to buy a gift,’

Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal replies: I often ask my clients: ‘who are these critical people who would think all these terrible things of you?’ 

If you are being honest with yourself I doubt you actually believe your cousin would think of you as rude for not getting something from the wedding registry. 

So I invite you to take a step back from the voices you hear in your mind when you imagine these negative reactions. 

Ask yourself if that is really what your cousin might think or whether it is a critical part of you that is sometimes harsh on yourself and fears other people’s judgement, meaning in reality, you are your own worst critic.

Remember that a wedding registry is often presented as an option and not an obligation. 

More often than not, couples who have destination weddings will say ‘your presence is the gift’ because they actually acknowledge that people will have to pay for flights/hotels/childcare to be there. 

The problem is that guests often ignore these statements as pleasantries rather than what they are actually meant to do: relieve others of the obligation to buy a gift. 

I say this in case you are the kind of person who always wants to do ‘what’s right, proper and polite’ and have ignored the ‘optional’ next to the wedding registry on the invitation or any other signs from the couple that their expectations aren’t what you think they are.

Have you asked yourself why you are getting them a present in the first place?

Is it just because it’s the norm, and what is expected? 

Or is it about celebrating their love, their union, your expression of support – all which can be done in more ways than by purchasing something? 

Making your intentions explicit in your mind will help you see other ways in which you can address them. 

You can ‘invest’ in a present in more ways than just financial. 

For example, through a thoughtful gift, made with time and effort. 

Whether it’s a scrapbook, or a personalised recipe book, a video montage, a song – whatever fits with the relationship you have and both of your personalities. It’s not all about the money spent.

Now, how you give a smaller present than you’d like to or just a card with no gift, can make a difference to how it’s received.

You have a whole range of options with regards to how much you disclose. You could simply give the small gift with a lovely and thoughtfully written card. 

Or in your words you can find a way of saying that you would have loved to be in a position to get a bigger gift, but that’s not possible. 

And remember, having made explicit in your mind the reasons why you would have wanted to get them a big present, make sure you include these in the card you give them because it will make your intention less open to interpretation. 

Big, small or no present, letting them know how you feel about them and their wedding could be valued more than the £150 decorative bowl.

Do you have a question for Vicky Reynal? Email [email protected] Vicky Reynal’s book Money on Your Mind, the psychology behind your financial habits is published by Bonnier Books, £16.99.