Planet Green dappled by daylight like an advert for vegetarian bacon

The Greens unveiled their manifesto at Sussex cricket club, Hove. A club employee directed us. ‘Head for cow corner,’ he said. Cow-shot corner: every cricket ground has one. It’s where the no-hopers slog balls.

The Greens create a whizzy atmosphere of wholemeal innocence. It’s like living in an advert for vegetarian bacon.

Planet Green is dappled by sunlight. Everyone has perfect teeth. There are no fatties and the average age is 35 (the one way they differ from the creaky Lib Dems is that Greens are sexier and do not carry old plastic bags). The crowd here wore hipster beards, cheesecloth shirts, leather shoes and an easy air of entitlement. Lib Dems are more about polyester ties, grey slip-ons and prim disapproval.

One of the Greens had pink-orange hair. A boho-chic woman in an Oriental trouser suit floated around with a silk mask. Plenty of these youngsters looked as if they might be on private incomes. A child of about five marched in with her bicycle and helmet, trailing a daddy as damp as moss.

The Green Party unveiling their general election manifesto at Sussex cricket club, Hove

Green Party co-leader Adrian Ramsay speaks at their general election manifesto launch 

Green Party co-leader Carla Denyer holds up a manifesto as she speaks at the launch 

The event was opened by Sian Berry, 49, who exuded fey sadness via a Mariella Frostbite drawl. Ms Berry hopes to succeed Caroline Lucas as MP for Brighton Pavilion. The latter was in attendance but only as a spectator. She is referred to by her party as ‘the iconic Caroline Lucas’, which makes her sound like a brutalist-art bus station.

Ms Berry complained about landlords. Her own rented accommodation had been fine but some tenants had to endure ‘damp and mould’. Hang on, should Greens not approve of mould? Natural organism and all that.

Behind Ms Berry stood a line of Greens with evangelical smiles. They held placards saying ‘REAL HOPE REAL CHANGE’. One of these extras was an unusually tall chap. Being Green, he stepped off the stage and stood on the floor so that he would not tower above everyone else.

Greens believe in equality. Does that mean they are vicious redistributionists? You betcha. They want to take your money and splurge it on eco-projects. Anyone on £50k or so would be hit. The opulent – which probably meant the parents of most of the naive kids in this room – would be wrung dry.

Once Ms Berry had stopped, the party’s co-leaders, ‘Carla and Adrian’, ran up to their lecterns like game show contestants, waving with the backs of their hands. They proceeded to read a clunkily autocued spiel, the tone somewhere between Blue Peter and a happy-clappy Alpha course presentation. Carla (surname Denyer) enthused about ‘our shiny new manifesto’ and flashed her gleaming gnashers, blinding anyone who had been incautious enough not to wear solar-eclipse eyeshields. Her manic nicey-niceness frayed a little, mind you, when she talked about taxing the knackers off private-sector companies whose shareholders were ‘trousering millions’.

Green Party co-leaders Carla Denyer and Adrian Ramsay pose for the media at Sussex cricket club 

Now is the moment to be ambitious!’ quacked pint-sized Carla. Her own ambition was not in doubt. Having taken part in a televised debate, she disclosed that since that moment of network fame, people had been rushing up to her for hugs.

Co-leader Adrian Ramsay looked a moister proposition but underneath there lurked a mirthless dogmatist. He was little concerned there might be anti-Semites among his candidates and he did not like being asked about his stance on nuclear weapons, which is that they will fire them only second. Might be a bit late by then, mate.

Sinister fluff: that is the Green Party paradox. They come across as liberal, starting sentences with ‘so’ and dressing as if from a Boden catalogue, yet they want to stop you owning things. They oppose capitalism. They don’t like property development. Carla did, however, seem relaxed about building on, er, the green belt.

She and whatsisname were asked what hardships they had endured as children. Carla said her parents had only ever driven second-hand cars. He answered that he had never been allowed a pet. Yet now he appears to be Carla’s pet gerbil.