Are you married to a sizzling rodent or a quick Rottweiler?
Every six months or so, social media crowns a new animal-type partner. At the end of last year, you may recall ‘Golden Retriever’ was the hottest kind to have. Why? Because Taylor Swift had one in the form of bouncy American footballer Travis Kelce.
In fact, she’s still got him, which is typical of Golden Retriever types. They’re super-loyal and won’t leave your side for anything (except maybe the odd 22-yard touchdown pass).
This summer there’s a new must-have mammal – the ‘Hot Rodent’ – and this guy wouldn’t know one end of an American football from the other. Rodent did theatre studies at school while the Retrievers were on the sports field, but what he lacks in muscle he makes up for in endearingly quirky outfits that only occasionally need to be vetoed before leaving the house.
Retriever and Rodent are not the only species of partner, though. What’s that? You’ve no idea what yours is? Then you need to rectify this gap in your cultural knowledge immediately. Read on…
Golden Retriever
Poster boy
Travis Kelce, and if you have no idea who Travis is, think Joey from Friends. To sound like Gen Z when discussing this at dinner parties, observe that the man in question has ‘big GR energy’.
Telltale behaviours
Runs next to your train as it’s leaving the station (GR is a health-and-safety officer’s nightmare) and wanders around in aimless circles if you lose him in John Lewis haberdashery.
According to TikTok, GR is big on tying your shoelaces for you without being asked. Although infuriating, it’s GR’s way of showing affection, so maybe switch to ballet flats while he’s in his laces phase.
Rottweiler /German Shepherd
Poster boy David Beckham, who, granted, also has ‘big GR energy’ so is probably actually a German Shepherd.
Telltale behaviours
Rottweilers are wary of social situations because they can lead to biting and when Rottweiler bites, you tell him off – which makes him sad. Whether he’s a Rottweiler or a slightly less scary German Shepherd depends on how seriously he takes his role as protector. If his response to a male waiter helping you with your coat is ‘Hands where I can see them, mate’, then he’s full RW: think noughties Russell Crowe.
Hot Rodent
Poster boy
Kieran Culkin.
According to a recent article in Dazed, Rodents are ‘often not conventionally handsome, but this only makes them more hot’. Many TikTokers also point to the Challengers co-stars Josh O’Connor and Mike Faist (two thirds of the film’s now famous ‘throuple’) as examples of the type.
Telltale behaviours
Despite his hotness, Rodent is undeniably weird, even chaotic, and can go off at unexpected tangents with little or no warning. Nobody minds, however, because he weighs less than nine stone and is wearing a knitted tank top.
Reptiles
Poster boy
Timothée Chalamet, of course.
There is plenty of crossover between Reptile and Rodent: they’re both the antithesis of toxic masculinity, angular and (for the celebrity varieties, at least) very unlikely to be photographed coming out of a gym.
Telltale behaviours
The key difference between Reptile and Rodent is visual rather than behavioural in that Reptile is classically good-looking, meaning declarations of his hotness never have to feature the addendum ‘but he really is very funny’.
Husky
Poster boy
Bear Grylls. While GRs and Rottweilers can be outdoorsy, Huskies always are. Every item of clothing he owns has the word ‘trek’ on it somewhere, and you gave up arguing about the zip-off cargoes a long time ago.
Telltale behaviours
Husky is loyal but bad at seeing the world through the eyes of people who don’t like sleeping bags. To confirm if you have a Husky or a Retriever, go back to haberdashery and hide behind a pillar.
If, when you emerge, you find him pacing anxiously by the sewing patterns you have a Retriever; if he’s created a bivouac from natural yarn, he’s a Husky.
