Count Binface guarantees nationwide service for ex-prime ministers in new manifesto

Count Binface has promised to introduce national service for former prime ministers and invite European countries to join the UK in his newly released manifesto ahead of the General Election.

The self-described intergalactic space warrior – who is also arguably the sanest person running in this election – released his 24-point manifesto in a bid to unseat Prime Minister Rishi Sunak in his North Yorkshire constituency.

Binface is hoping to strike a chord with voters with his “sensible” manifesto which promises that pensions will be double-locked but with a little extra chain on the side.

READ MORE: Count Binface to ‘take out Tory trash’ in election bid and eyes up ‘low-hanging fruit’

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He’s also promising Claudia Winkleman’s fringe will be Grade-1 listed and he will personally represent the UK in the Eurovision Song Contest, and no doubt win it, if elected.

Count Binface said that his election manifesto is entitled “Bloody Loyal To Wherever I’m Standing For Election”.

He said: “It is a bold and bracing programme fit to bursting with sensible policies that mix the local, the national and the intergalactic.

“I feel sure it is the most sensible manifesto being launched today, and I hope I can invigorate the election campaign onto the issues that really matter to the the people of Britain.”

‌The Count took aim at the stuffy elite with several of his promises, including pledging that, if elected, “all water bosses (will) take a dip in British rivers to see how they like it” and national service will be introduced for former prime ministers.

‌Other flagship policies include inviting European countries to join the UK in order to create a new “Union of Europe”, and offering stilts to all British citizens to help cope with the effects of climate change.

‌While the quirky candidate made some new promises, previous pledges remain, including to build “at least one affordable house” and to price cap croissants at £1.10.

‌The self-described 5,702-year-old Recyclon has promised to fight loud noises in public spaces, pledging to ban loud snacks from cinemas and theatres as well as outlawing speaker phones on public transport, with punishment for the latter offence being forced habitation with Matt ‘Coco’ Hancock for a year.

‌The election hopeful said he wants to see the reintroduction of Ceefax, the world’s first teletext information service, and ensure that Children in Need “finally get round” to fixing Pudsey’s eye.

‌Improving train services was a central focus of Count Binface’s manifesto, as he promises to provide “trains that work” and “WiFi on trains that work”.

‌He also promised to tackle an issue of importance in the local area, pledging that traffic on Northallerton High Street will be fixed by a new space bridge, bypassing both level crossings.

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‌Looking beyond his constituency, the Count pledged that the hand dryer in the gents’ urinals at the Crown & Treaty in Uxbridge, west London, will be moved to “a more sensible position”.

‌He also pledged that it would be mandatory for MPs to live in the area they wish to serve in for four years before election to improve local representation.

‌Speaking earlier in June, Count Binface said his motivations for running were “a mixture of being at a loose end, being a huge fan of British democracy” and his “humble ambitions to conquer the entire omniverse”.

‌Binface is the satirical political character created by comedian Jonathan David Harvey.