My celebration fake pas is ruining my son’s life

Dear Jane,

I feel like I’ve ruined my son’s life. At least his social life.

And it’s all because of a stupid birthday party.

This whole saga started when my six-year-old son was invited to a classmate’s sixth birthday celebration in our local park back in March. The invitation was sent via email to all of the parents in the class and when I received it, I admit I was pretty shocked.

Because in addition to listing all of the standard birthday party details – time, location, dress code – the invitation also came with a link to a gift registry filled with items that the little boy was hoping for, as well as a request from his parents to inform them which option we planned to choose so they could avoid ‘double ups’.

Personally, I can’t stand the thought of wasting money on silly things like plastic toys and brain-rotting junk, particularly when kids are so young, and particularly when I don’t really know the child or their parents. Plus none of the gifts on the list were less than $40, which I just think is crazy!

So I emailed back, thanking them for the invitation, but explaining that – if a gift was required – I’d prefer one of my own choosing.

They responded saying that they had ‘carefully’ chosen the selection of items for their son, and that if I wasn’t willing to ‘adhere to the list’ they’d prefer I didn’t bring a gift at all. So I didn’t.

I took my son to the birthday party, thinking all would be well, but as soon as I got there and saw the heaping table of gifts, I knew I was in trouble. 

And what do you know, part of the party proceedings involved a ridiculously over-the-top gift opening session during which all of the children were asked to sit in a circle around the birthday boy and his presents, so he could unwrap them and give each of them personal thanks.

Obviously when he got to my son, there was nothing to open, and his parents simply said – loudly enough for everyone to hear – ‘well he didn’t want to bring a gift’, at which point the birthday boy actually burst into tears.

From there, the party was a nightmare. None of the other children would talk to my son, and I whipped him out of there as soon as possible. Before they’d even cut the cake. 

Since then, he’s effectively been shunned by everyone in his class, and he has been left out of every other birthday party.

I have no idea what to do here. My six-year-old is miserable and all because I decided to take a stupid stand against something so small and petty. I feel horrible about it, but I’m completely clueless about how to fix it.

I’m tempted to throw an over-the-top party for all the kids in his class just to show them how wonderful my son really is… but I don’t know if that will fix the problem?

What would you do?

From,

Party Pooper

Dear Party Pooper,

What a horrible situation to be in. I’m frankly a little bit stunned that this has happened to you, and further, that a group of six-year-olds would unilaterally decide to shun your son because he didn’t bring a gift.

The whole thing sounds both miserable, and childish. Additionally, having a gift registry for a six-year-old is quite possibly one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard. But, you are in a pickle, and now we have to figure out how to fix it.

It’s not an easy one. 

I hate the idea of you having to throw a party, particularly when your values are not in alignment with the rest of the class. 

I think perhaps instead of trying to buy your son’s way back in to popularity in his school, you start to find activities for him outside of school, where he can make a circle of friends whose friendships are not based on money or gifts.

And, I would have continuing conversations with your son about this. About how important it is to have friends who value us not because of the gifts we give or how much money we have, but because we are good people. 

This is an important, valuable but painful lesson for him, but one that will serve him throughout his life.

Dear Jane,

I’m a 26-year-old teacher living in Dallas and I’ve found myself in a really tough spot with my close friends.

I am lucky enough to have ended up living in a city with so many of my high school friends. There are five of us who have known each other since we were 14 and we do pretty much everything together, which might sound strange, but it’s just the way we’ve always been.

The thing is, my friends have all gone into pretty high-paying jobs in the past few years – and obviously being a teacher doesn’t exactly earn me a large salary. I love my job, I really do, but I’ve started to feel like I’m totally out of step with my friends, who understandably want to enjoy the luxuries that their money can buy them.

Where we might have once spent a weekend away in an Airbnb, they now want to jet off on group vacations to Europe. Dinners we used to host at home with cheap bottles of wine have now been replaced with meals out at nice restaurants.

I’ve tried so hard to keep up with them, but despite me cutting back in almost every other aspect of my life, I’m now facing some pretty insane credit card bills that I just can’t afford to pay.

I don’t want to stop them from enjoying everything they have earned, but I also hate the idea of them living these luxury lives without me there.

How can I find some middle ground?

From,

Penniless Pal

Dear Penniless Pal,

If these are indeed good friends, they will understand your predicament. 

You need to sit them down and have an honest conversation, tell them that you love them, but you simply can’t afford to keep up with the current social situation. 

Ask them if they would consider going back to dinners at home so you can join in, tailoring events so you can go too.

I would not expect them to change everything, but it is a fair request to ask that at least some of their socializing be organized with you in mind. If they are true friends, they will understand, and will likely make some changes. 

In fact, if their lives are truly that luxurious, it may be that they all chip in to enable you to attend as well, knowing that it’s out of your means.

If no changes are made, then I’m afraid they weren’t ever very good friends in the first place, and it is time to go out and make some new ones.