A Mars viewer would’ve been stunned Rishi was behind within the polls

For all the good it will do him, Rishi Sunak won last night’s BBC1 Prime Ministerial Debate. 

Twenty points behind in the polls – or is it 50 by now? – little Rishi was still fighting, still bobbing and bouncing, darting into the smallest pause in proceedings to jab the Labour leader with the repeated question ‘so what would you do?’ He never really did get an answer.

Sir Keir Starmer was less clunky than in previous debates but by the end his sticky-uppy hairdo was looking a bit messy and he was turning the shade of synthetic strawberry ice cream. ‘Liar!’ he said petulantly. ‘Nonsense! False!’

He kept doing that gulpy Bill Nighy thing when his glasses start to steam up and he nibbles the front of his gums, looking a bit befuddled and pop-eyed and shifty in his smalls. Mr Sunak was better on detail, tighter in his arguments, generally more modern. He probably overdid the interruptions, mind you.

The two men repeatedly talked over one another. As TV debates go, it was pretty good sport. A viewer from planet Mars might have been surprised to be told that Labour was so far ahead in the polls. The briskness of Mr Sunak’s manner suggested a much closer contest, which is what it would be if Nigel Farage‘s Reform had not split the Right-wing vote.

Twenty points behind in the polls – or is it 50 by now? – little Rishi was still fighting, still bobbing and bouncing, darting, writes QUENTIN LETTS

Sir Keir Starmer was less clunky than in previous debates but by the end his sticky-uppy hairdo was looking a bit messy

Ah, Reform. The great unmentionable. I did not hear a single reference to Mr Farage and his disruptors.

The show, filmed live at Nottingham Trent University, was chaired by Mishal Husain, the BBC‘s prime Ms Snootypants.

In an echoey hall she began by shouting too much and at times she struggled to intervene on our two wrestlers. Yet she quite skilfully worked in some pointed comments and wisecracks.

The opening credits offered two horses’ heads, architectural citiscapes and a representation of 10 Downing Street accompanied by a Shakespearean blare of trumpets. Alarums without.

Talking of which, the first part of the show was plagued by noises off: through the opening exchanges there came the distant noise of protesters. Or was it George Galloway wanting to be admitted to the debate?

First question was from Sue Barclay about the ‘lack of integrity’ in politics, most recently with the betting scandal. Rishi said he was ‘furious’ and that he had been ‘crystal clear’ (an expression he used, by my counting, six times) about his position. Sir Keir gave us a homily about ‘leadership’. Zzzzz.

Mr Sunak countered by saying that leadership meant ‘being straight with people – not changing your mind on every issue. That’s not what Keir Starmer is doing. He has not been clear about taxes. He’s changed his mind on everything’.

Starmer, just off mike: ‘Absolute *%+$!’ Blimey. Just as well it was after the watershed.

Mr Sunak was fighting like a marlin on Hemingway’s hook. He strained for every word, kept talking even when told to shaddup by Husain, and enjoyed mocking a stuttering Starmer. 

Mention was made of the blooper just dropped by Labour’s Treasury spokesman Darren Jones about how Labour’s plans for Net Zero will cost hundreds of billions of pounds. Oops! Mr Sunak was in there like a ferret: ‘How many hundreds of billions? One? Two? Three?’ Starmer was furious and tetchy.

Soon we were on to benefits and in the 12th minute we had the first mention of Sir Keir’s father being a toolmaker. It normally comes quicker than that. At this point there was a crash off stage. The protest was plainly getting tasty. 

‘If you listened to people in the audience more you might not be so out of touch,’ said Sir Keir after one Sunak interruption. That earned the nasal knight a round of applause. But his haircut was going a bit pineapple-shaped. Mr Sunak: ‘You should at least be up-front with people and admit there’s going to higher welfare under you.’ Applause.

‘Honestly! Who’s the guy in charge?’ asked Sir Keir, snorting with disbelief.

Mr Sunak: ‘You want to be in charge but you’ve got nothing to say. This election is meant to be about the future.’ Applause. Sir Keir threw his eyes to the ceiling and muttered ‘completely wrong’.

A viewer from planet Mars might have been surprised to be told that Labour was so far ahead in the polls. Sunak’s briskness suggested a much closer contest

At one point Sir Keir was waffling so much about migrants that Mr Sunak and Husain asked simultaneously: ‘What would you do?’

‘They need to be processed,’ said Sir Keir. Just like factory chickens. When Sir Keir started accusing Mr Sunak of having supported Liz Truss, Husain told the Labour leader: ‘You know what it’s like to fall in behind the leader of your party.’ Rishi and the audience laughed.

Audience member Robert Blackstock told Mr Sunak he was ‘a pretty mediocre PM’ and told Sir Keir his ‘strings were being pulled’. He added: ‘Are you two really the best we’ve got?’. Ladies nearby did ‘oo-er’ faces. Mr Sunak seamlessly got the subject back to taxes. His forte.

Sir Keir just started talking, in his Captain Mainwaring way, about his past career. Mr Blackstock did not look impressed.

And then it was to the spin room with Laura and Clive. Quick, hit that off switch!