The indicators you are an annoying visitor, by a prime social gathering planner

How many canapes can you eat before you look greedy? Can you take your dog to a party? Is it ever socially acceptable to bring Prosecco? And what’s the one mistake that means you’ll never be invited back? 

I’ve been a party planner for 40 years, throwing fabulous events for the rich and famous, so I really have seen it all. Read on to discover the eight worst mistakes you can make if you’re invited to a party this summer…

YOU DON’T KNOW THE CANAPE RULES

When it comes to eating more than your fair share of the canapes, men are particularly guilty. I’ve seen it a million times. They will hover around the kitchen as staff come out, hoovering up the canapes before they make it as far as the other guests.

Twelve is a reasonable number to eat, and you can easily get to that number in less than half an hour if you say yes to everything. A good canape will always be tiny, certainly never larger than two inches. You should be able to lift it from the tray with two fingers, pop it into your mouth and let it dissolve quickly. 

But, remember, it’s not supposed to be dinner – merely something to sustain you through an hour or two of drinks.

Guests should always aim to avoid the egg-mayonnaise sandwich effect, which is what happens when you bite into one, smile and your teeth are covered in the filling. Say no to canapes like this, or anything with green herbs in, if you want to avoid embarrassment – no one will tell you when it’s all stuck in your teeth. 

If your host is serving bowl food, then work on the basis that one bowl is the equivalent of four canapes – so you can have a maximum of three.

Eating more than your fair share is far from the only party-food fail. I’ve been doing this job for four decades now and I’ve seen plenty of bad canape etiquette. Guests who use the small spoon or fork provided and then place it back on the tray; those who double dip their canape into the sauce offered; those who will hold a waiter hostage until they have cleared the tray of canapes; even guests who take a bite, decide they don’t like it and put the remaining canape back on the tray.

All of this behaviour is absolutely not on and will quickly mark you out as an annoying – and very ill-mannered – guest.

YOU BANG ON, AND ON, AND ON

Entitled people do this a lot. I don’t know why, and this is a sweeping generalisation, but they’ll speak in a way that suggests everything they’re saying is incredibly interesting, but it’s often ghastly – like how much their latest shares have soared by and how brilliant little Henry is doing at prep school.

No one wants to hear the big, booming voice of someone who is permanently on transmit. Do this and you won’t be invited back. That said, hosts need guests who are entertaining and jolly – it’s almost worse if you have nothing to say. If you have accepted an invitation to a summer party, then you must sing for your supper. This whole business of ‘I’m shy’ is rubbish. 

Once you’re over the age of 21, you must make an effort. You’re expected to be charming and to perform, without being rude or frightening the horses. In most social situations you should adopt the advice my father gave to me about marriage: ‘If you each give 60 per cent and take 40 per cent, your married life will work.’ Give more to a social situation than you take from it, and you’ll always be invited back.

YOUR PLUS-ONE HAS FOUR LEGS

This is never OK. Speaking as someone with two dogs, you can’t just rock up with a four-legged plus-one and assume your host will be happy to accommodate it. What’s next? Do you mind if I bring the children? But who will stop them falling in the swimming pool while you all enjoy lunch? The rule is, you can ask, but be prepared to be told no.

YOU’RE DETERMINED TO BE THE ‘FUN ONE’

I, of course, never fall into this category! Sometimes this person can be great fun for an evening but it’s always terrible if you have two or three in the room, vying for who can be more extreme.

You must accept that if you are going to bring the most outlandish version of yourself to the party, you will divide the crowd. Some will love you, but just as many will loathe you.

YOU NEVER INTRODUCE ANYONE

Some parties will bring together a diverse group of friends. Take a wedding: you’ve got the bride’s friends, groom’s friends and those of both sets of parents too – people who will never have met before. It is incumbent on everyone to make introductions where they can.

I was at a drinks party alone recently where there were 400 people. There was no one at the door to greet me, the host was nowhere to be seen and as a result it wasn’t a lot of fun. 

Whenever I am hosting, I use a technique someone once shared with me. This can be used by hosts, or guests if they know a lot of people going and want to be helpful. In the weeks running up to the party, you keep a list in your loo of everyone you know is attending and what they do for a living, or important facts that will help you make introductions – and you memorise it.

YOU DON’T PLAY THE TABLE GAME CORRECTLY

When you sit down for dinner, there is a technique to maintaining the chat around the table. Start on your left – talk to that person from the time you sit down to the first course being eaten. Then talk to the person on your right for the main course. You can take your pick of who to talk to during pudding. 

If one of your neighbours is having a tough time with their other companion, push your chair back and create a three. It might sound old-fashioned, but it works. It’s so great when everyone knows how to play the game. No one is ever boring for half an hour, and if they are it’s your fault.

Equally, don’t be the bore who monopolises another guest. To avoid getting stuck yourself, never stand with your back to the wall of the room or you’ll be too hemmed in. Keep your back towards the room, otherwise it’s much harder to physically escape a bore. Most people can extricate themselves, but not everyone has the skill to do it.

YOU BRING PROSECCO

Let’s just be honest, it’s a bottle of cheap fizz that’s trying to look like champagne, but isn’t, and you’ve just insulted your host. You’re far better off buying a bottle of pale pink rosé, a lovely bottle of Sauternes to serve with pudding or a decent box of chocolates.

YOU CAN’T TELL THE TIME

Arriving early is unforgiveable. I’d like to say I’m always the calmest and most organised host, but ten minutes before guests are due to arrive I’m normally in my underpants, rushing around making the final touches. So, obviously, if for some reason you’re early, you need to sit in your car or walk around the block and not, under any circumstances, ring the doorbell before you’re expected.

I personally never arrive at the specified time. I’ll give it another ten minutes because it gives the host some breathing space. I know someone must be first, but I try to never let it be me. 

It does happen that people are late. In that case, you call and insist that they don’t wait for you. And you lie and say the car broke down or the traffic is terrible. It’s not a disaster if you miss the starter, but it’s your problem and you’ll need to catch up when you get there.

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Johnny Roxburgh is the co-host of the Party Politics by RSVP. The English Gentleman and the Venezuelan Tornado. On YouTube

@johnnyroxburg