BEL MOONEY: Should I eavesdrop on my thrill looking for husband?

Dear Bel,

Last year, I married a bit of a thrill seeker. We are both older people.

My husband likes fetish and ‘soft swinging’. He’s also a cross-dresser, which again, I knew about. He said it was refreshing being with me, as he’d had to hide everything from his previous wife.

He takes a dim view of cheating — he says it’s ­unfaithful if people message others behind partner’s backs, even if nothing physical goes on. He says he won’t do anything behind my back and, anyway, he said he wouldn’t need to.

Four years ago, my son’s then girlfriend saw my husband’s female profile on a dating site. Of course he denied it. He’s expressed interest in going to a couple of gay events (he says he’s just curious and would never want sex with men), which I said I didn’t mind about.

He’s always denied being bisexual, but I said if he was, I’d rather know about it. So imagine my shock when I saw he joined a gay website six months ago, using the same cross-dressing picture my son had mentioned. His profile said he was into naughty things. Surely that’s a breach of my trust?

I can’t say anything, as I’d have to admit I was ­snooping. I feel upset at his deceit; surely he could have told me if he was bisexual?

What should I do? I’m tempted to just ignore it and keep an eye on the situation. I don’t want to have a divorce and lose my house — and, anyway, we haven’t been married very long.

He’s always kind and caring, telling me how much he loves me. He’s like a best friend. I’ve been acting happy and I don’t think he has any idea. When I last looked online I couldn’t see anything dodgy. Have you any ideas about how I should approach this, as if I say anything, he’ll know I’ve snooped?

CLARE

Bel Mooney replies: To be honest, I find it fascinating — even incredible — that of all the things you might worry about, the one that preoccupies you is being found out for looking at this man’s online profile.

You call it snooping. I call it natural curiosity, especially as he’s told you (as you say in your uncut letter) that he has no lock on his computer or phone.

That displays trust, which you now feel guilty about. But although he’s made it clear he wants to be with you and deplores ‘cheating’, you’ve found out he isn’t being any more honest now than four years ago. As far as I’m concerned that means there’s no moral issue about ‘snooping’.

But most people reading this might identify other moral issues, to do with potential risks incurred in a promiscuous lifestyle. I had to look up ‘soft swinging’ and now know it’s the custom of engaging in sexual activities with your partner in the same room as another couple, but not swapping or sharing partners.

It seems soft swinging is seen as the gateway to full swinging. It provides the opportunity for couples, who are new to the ‘swinging scene’, to become comfortable with engaging in sexual acts in front of others, before they progress onto ­partner swapping and full swinging.

Wow. (Actually, my first response was ‘Yuk’ — but each to their own, as long as it is consensual). Since you knew over four years ago that your husband was a ‘thrill seeker’ yet married him last year, I can only assume you are, too, which would explain your tolerance.

Although now you’ve realised he’s less than honest about his fantasies and fetishes you might forget the snooping issue and instead justifiably worry about (say) sexually transmitted diseases.

Did you know that blood-borne infections such as hepatitis B and HIV can be transmitted through non-sexual contact with infected body fluids?

That herpes can be transmitted through a non-penetrative sexual act? Is risk a key part of the ‘thrills’ you both seek, or is this attitude mainly driven by him?

You wouldn’t have got married if you didn’t love each other, and it’s not hard to understand why he

is your ‘best friend’ since you have a lot in common. Nevertheless, you realise there’s a gulf between that and the kind of deception he may be perpetrating on you.

You have no idea what he’s getting up to so need to be very careful. The only way to approach the issue is with the total frankness the pair of you have presumably used in the past for thrill seeking. All this is making you unhappy, but you’re pretending to be the opposite — which means the two of you are being dishonest with each other. That wasn’t the marriage contract you agreed on, was it?

It seems a bit late to be coy about looking at your man’s online presence. Time to have it out.

I can’t look after any more grandchildren

Dear Bel,

We have 11 grand­children, ranging in age from 26 to a new one due this month.

I have always been very involved with childcare but am now feeling the strain. I have a heart condition and also suffer with ­arthritis for which I take medication. I’ve also had Covid four times.

When my daughter mentioned having another child I did ask (in a loving way) if it was it a good idea, as she struggles with anxiety and relies on me for childcare and support.

I feel so torn: I love my daughter and grandchildren but just don’t feel as physically able to help as I have in the past and my (second) husband is fed up with weekends being taken over with childcare and me going to bed at 8pm exhausted.

He says he doesn’t want this pressure in retirement and feels we should be doing more of what we want.

My daughter got very cross recently when I struggled changing beds for her, as she is now heavily pregnant. She said I should get ­fitter. But I’m not overweight, don’t smoke or drink; just limited by my lack of physical strength. Having had her lovely five-year-old all weekend, I’m exhausted and — dare I say — resentful at being put in this position.

I am worried that if I say no to childcare her mental health will ­suffer. I have always been her rock but I am struggling to ­maintain it.

I can’t keep up this level of care for ever. How do I navigate this without feeling unbearably guilty?

EILEEN

Bel Mooney replies: A few years ago I was ­surprised to hear that ­someone I knew — a ­successful journalist — responded to the birth of her first grandchild by flying off to Bali (after cuddling the baby, of course) for a three-week break.

How could she, I wondered? Wouldn’t you want to be on hand, to step happily into the wonderful, traditional granny role by giving advice, helping and adoring the new addition to the family?

I know you’d agree with my shock, Eileen. You regard it as an almost sacred duty to put yourself last and the family first.

But maybe my former colleague had right on her side, showing from the start that she wasn’t going to be a slave . . . er, sorry . . . proper grandmother. Maybe she was both wise and honest in daring to step outside the box.

There is no right or wrong in this matter; each of us will respond to one of life’s most significant stages (grandparenthood) as our hearts dictate. On the other hand, it’s always useful to allow the head to play a part in matters of the heart.

You omit to say how many children you had with your first husband (the family your second husband took on) or, specifically, how many children were born to the daughter who is currently troubling you.

Eleven grandchildren suggests you had a large family and so your husband was pretty brave to take you on with so much ‘baggage’ — which, by the way, is simply shorthand for emotional complexity.

Once adult children have their own children, they cannot (and should not) put you first. But the person who has chosen to share a life with you . . . well, he just might.

Your daughter’s stepfather wants to share quality time as you grow older together. Don’t you think he has the right?

Adult children can be very demanding and self-absorbed. Your daughter has problems (acute anxiety), so you were wise to question her ability to cope with another child. Your reward is to be berated for getting tired when doing domestic labour for her and to have your ill-health ignored.

Caught between two people making demands, whom do you consider the more selfish? The woman who takes it for granted you will be ‘her rock’, or the man who’d be a rock to you?

Have you confided in any of your other children? One of them might take his sister aside and explain that Mum is no longer able to expend what remains of her energy on childcare. It’s time they looked after you. But if that’s a non-starter I suggest you wait until the baby is born and then, before autumn, tell your daughter that your GP has counselled complete rest.

Your uncut letter mentioned that you and your husband have a small holiday cottage. So take yourselves there for September/October and have a wonderful time doing all the things you have both planned. If your daughter says she can’t cope, you will have to be strong and ride that storm. This should be your time — at last.

Bel answers readers’ questions on emotional and relationship problems each week. Write to Bel Mooney, Daily Mail, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email [email protected]. Names are changed to protect identities. Bel reads all letters but regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence.