The farcical US election has was a large sport of…..Kennedy Top Trumps.

Oh! What a scandalousseven daysit’s been: Jermaine Jenas got a red card from the BBC, Bennifer called it quits for good, andKamala and Donald engaged in a game of Top Trumps with rival Kennedys…..

There’s a lot to tackle… So join me, Daily Mirror columnist Jessica Boulton, for Jess Saying, my wry, witty and oh-so-whimsical round up of the shocking showbiz week….

Madge-ic Monday

Madonna took her closest friends out for dinner on her birthday this week. Which on the face of it, makes the superstar seem just like us . Especially as she opted for my favourite – Italian.

But, let’s face it, Madge is the undisputed Lucky Star Queen of Pop. Taking her nearest and dearest to Pizza Express, however yummy their dough balls are, is not going to be on her dance card. No, when Madge does Italian, she does Italian. Which is why she opted to ­celebrate her 66th birthday with an Italian feast… in an actual Italian ­amphitheatre in historic Pompeii. Or as otherwise known, the UNESCO World Heritage Site, which has been preserved in volcanic ash since Mount Vesuvius erupted in 79AD.

I wonder what she’s planning for next year? A day of rock climbing… on the Wailing Wall perhaps? Or maybe a bit of karaoke and a dance-off in The Colosseum?

Tough Love Tuesday

Well, there you have it, folks – Bennifer has officially bitten the dust… again. For, it might be the year of long-awaited reboots, but while BeetleJuice Beetlejuice and Gladiator 2 are expected to recapture their decades-old success, the sequel to 2003’s biggest Hollywood love story has totally and utterly bombed.

On Tuesday, Jennifer Lopez filed for divorce from Ben Affleck, exactly two years to the day of their wedding party in Georgia, where they declared their love for each other, 19 years after cancelling their first wedding. It was the rom-com fairytale ending that had us all nostalgic for the early Noughties – a time when we wore dresses over jeans, doused ourselves in glitter body spray, and considered Bennifer to be one of the celebrity power couples of the day… just behind, er, theotherBennifer (Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston). To this day, I still can’t watch an Angelina Jolie movie, so seeing at least one of the Bennifers enjoy a second shot of love was just the heartwarming, ­post-pandemic pick-me-up us true romantics needed.

Until it wasn’t. For, it turned out Jenny from the Block likes a night out in a posh frock… and broody Ben prefers to wallow at home in his batcave man cave. Hence… one giant dollop of ­irreconcilable differences.

And that’s the thing with love stories: they have to end in heartbreak one way or another. Now, next year, or in 70-odd years’ time. I guess that’s why we don’t see as many lovey-dovey movies getting a long-awaited sequel. It would kill the romance of the original. Imagine Casablanca 2 – that poignant goodbye, spoiled by Ingrid Bergman and Humphrey Bogart reuniting for some anti-climatic quickie fling 10 years later. Or Pretty Woman2, with Richard Gere locked up for kerb crawling after telling friends how he and Vivian met. Don’t even get me started on Romeo & Juliet 2. We’ve got enough zombie movies already.

What the Foxtrot? Wednesday

If Strictly thought they had PR ­problems…US hit show Dance Moms got a kicking this week when an 11-year-old girl competed with a routine based on – wait for it …

….the MURDER of…

….JonBenet Ramsey.

YUP.

That’s right: The six-year-old pageant girl whose case is still unsolved 18 years on. Let’s just say it was not a good day for taste when the episode dropped on Disney-owned Hulu this week. And it gets worse – the routine ended with the ­pre-teen dancer pretending to be STRANGLED.

It raises some very concerning questions. Chief of them being, what the foxtrot are they planning for the group dance category? A Charleston inspired by Al Capone’s St Valentine’s Day massacre? A streetdance in honour of Jack the Ripper? Or a lovely, flowy contemporary piece about the sinking of the Titanic?

Trump Card? Thursday

Talk about star power! Just six weeks ago I was one of the millions left devastated by ­the assassination attempt on Donald Trump. Firstly, because of the poor victim in the crowd and their family. No one deserves that, whatever their politics.

And secondly… because with that one single pull of a trigger, Teflon Don went from an all-bark no-bite underdog to an unstoppable shoo-in for the Oval. In fact, his victory seemed so nailed on, White House staff have probably already bulk-ordered the necessary stash of Diet Coke and gold spray paint.

But a week is a long time in politics. And six weeks? Well, that’s an eternity. Or as Trump’s new groupie Liz Truss might call it: nearly an entire term for a UK prime minister.

Yes, as Kamala Harris accepted the nomination for US president at the Democratic National Convention this week, it was clear we’d put the cart before the horse in declaring the race over (or the old fart before the donkey, to be more apt). Because it wasn’t just a comeback for the left. It was a Force awakening. With more stars than Han Solo sees in Hyperspace.

Leading the rebel alliance against Don’s Dark Side was Luke Skywalker himself, Mark Hamill (with an impassioned speech about Carrie Fisher), followed by Spike Lee, Oprah Winfrey, Patti LaBelle, Stevie Wonder, Pink, The Obamas, Hillary Clinton, Desperate Housewife Eva Longoria, and… Wonder Woman, Lynda Carter.

But who was their real, um, Trump card?

This guy – the TikTok thirst trap/journalist/future-president Jack Schlossberg, who rocked up to give a speech at the DNC, declaring: “[Kamala] shares my grandfather’s energy, vision and optimism for our future.”

That’ll be his late granddaddy, John F Kennedy.

It was made all the more exciting as Donald had acquired his own unlikely Kennedy endorsement that very same day – when Robert Kennedy’s 70-year-old namesake son shockingly u-turned after decades as a democrat and decided Orange Is the New Blue.

RFK Jr’s endorsement of Trump should have been the coup everyone was talking about: After all, The GOP is the antithesis of everything the Kennedys stand for.

But even when you’re a member of America’s unofficial royal family, the old Orwellian saying still applies: Everyone is equal, but some are more equal than others.

Yep….the already-farcical US election has suddenly turned into a giant game of…..Kennedy Top Trumps.

So who do you think will have the better stats of their Top Trumps card?

RFK Jr? The well-known anti-vaxxer, subject of a recent Vanity Fair investigation, vocal believer in 9/11 conspiracy theories and one-time host to a worm in his brain? The man of who has disgraced his father’s good name, according to an op-ed by his brother Max this weekend. “To carry the name Robert F Kennedy Jr means a special legacy within a legacy…” Max wrote. “It is worse than disappointment. We are in mourning.”

Or Jack? The easy-on-the-eye grandson of America’s most immortalised president? The 31-year-old environmentalist and Harvard Law grad who started a charity in middle school, spent two years working as a paramedic, loves animals and has youth, intelligence and an absolutely huge….. TikTok following on his side?

I think the answer’s obvious.

Keep your Camelot in order for the next few months, Kamala, and you might find yourself sent to the big house …..(Not the same type we thought Trump might be heading for though).

Feelgood Friday

Proud Channing Tatum has been praising fiancee Zoe Kravitz for her “dogged” determination ahead of the release of Blink Twice, her first movie as a director. But he also let slip that the actress is a little less gung-ho when it comes to days off. “She really doesn’t do anything but watch movies,” he told a US men’s magazine. “She’s like, ‘I don’t do activities. I don’t go hiking. I just love movies.’”

Apparently she can binge watch three in a day, which caused some disbelief on social media. But it sounds abs-olutely perfect tome. Imagine… Magic Mike before breakfast, Magic Mike XXL before lunch and Magic Mike: The Last Dance in the ­afternoon. As for the evening? Well… that would be an exclusive performance of Magic Mike Live, of course. You lucky, lucky girl, Zoe.

What do you think? Have you seen a celeb moment this week that made you laugh? Or one that made you raise your eyebrows? Let me know in the comments or via @JessicaBoulton onX/Instagram.