VICKY REYNAL: I’m in a lot debt I’ll by no means pay it again

I’m in a negative emotional spiral because of debt. Things started to go wrong a couple of years ago after my relationship broke up and since then, it feels like it’s been one thing after another. I lost motivation at work, then I lost my job. I invested in a friend’s business but lost my savings when it took a nosedive. I then had no option but to use to my credit card for everyday expenses and racked up more debt than I have been able to repay. I’ve borrowed from friends and family too, who now also expect to be paid back. I recently managed to borrow more money but at very high interest rates and the chances I will be able to repay the charges even if I manage to get a job with my previous salary are slim. I feel like my downward spiral won’t ever stop and am so low I can’t even be bothered to show up for job interviews as I know I will get rejected. How can I get myself out of this?

Anger, shame, guilt, helplessness are all part of a range of feelings that are common to people feeling trapped in what is called ‘problem debt’ (file image)

Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal replies: Feeling stuck in a continuous spiral of debt can feel demoralising and exasperating. While you didn’t mention shame, it sounds like your feelings about yourself are being affected and it is a common consequence of debt. We don’t just feel guilty about the mistakes or the choices we have made but we feel ashamed, as if the debt says something about who we are. It is important to remind yourself that your financial situation does not define you.

Anger, shame, guilt, helplessness are all part of a range of feelings that are common to people feeling trapped in what is called ‘problem debt’, in other words, debt that is difficult or unlikely to be repaid. It has an impact both on our self-worth but also on our mental well-being.

While you might feel stuck, there are people who can help you, and for free. You could reach out to a debt counselling service such as National Debtline or StepChange, who have skilled advisers whose expertise is to help you prioritise your debts to protect against any unfavourable outcomes and draw a repayment plan. They may advise on whether you can apply for a so-called ‘grace period’ to get your finances under control (which, for those who qualify, is a two-month period during which interest and charges on debt are frozen).

There are free online help tools on their websites that can help you see options before you speak to someone. Even speaking to your bank could generate options you might not have been aware of.

Psychologically, the most important first step is to acknowledge, as you have done, that it is urgent that you deal with the spiralling burden of this debt.

Next, it’s about finding the strength to make the first phone call. This can be difficult too, because sometimes we imagine that whoever is on the other end of the line will be as harsh and judgemental as we are of ourselves.

Sometimes that ‘inner critic’ that speaks in harsh and deprecating language could be based on past experiences. Maybe you had a parent who was overly critical or a teacher that was very harsh. This is particularly true for people whose experience was that mistakes were responded to with criticism – or even aggression – rather than forgiveness. If that’s the case it is hard to shake off the expectation that others will react negatively to us, exposing our debt problem.

However, you are likely to find out that the future doesn’t have to be like the past. More often than not, when people reach out to these helplines, they leave with a sense of relief, having been given options they didn’t know they had, rather than having felt scornfully attacked.

Practising self-compassion is an important part of your journey. When we are struggling with our mental health, managing money can be particularly difficult. We might make emotional, rather than rational money choices and we might hide in shame, rather than reach out for help.

Instead of punishing yourself for what you could have or should have done differently, try to forgive yourself. Acknowledge that you were trying to cope with one loss after the other (the break up, the loss of your job). Then focus on what you can do from here onwards – you can reach out and seek the right kind of help.

One of the worst aspects of a struggle with debt, according to what I hear in my consulting room, is the loneliness. There is something very isolating about carrying the feelings of shame that are evoked by debt. It sounds like you reached out to family and friends, but maybe the fact that you now owe them money makes it harder to approach them about your feelings. Don’t let that be a reason to isolate yourself further. Lean on others. There are even online forums (like The Debt-Free Wannabe board) where people talk about their experience and find support in others’ stories. If you decide to give that a try, it’s important that you monitor how it makes you feel. Does it give you comfort? If so it can be a resource you reach out to when your ‘inner critic’ begins to cloud your thinking.

Do you have a question for Vicky? Email [email protected]