Actor Kimberley Nixon on her incapacity to ‘get pleasure from early motherhood’

Fresh Meat star Kimberley Nixon has spoken about how she was unable to ‘take in the joy of early motherhood’ because intrusive thoughts caused by postnatal obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) told her that ‘it would all get taken away’.

The 39-year-old actor from Wales was speaking to Mail columnist Bryony Gordon on her podcast The Life of Bryony yesterday. 

Kimberley, who has also appeared in BBC period drama Cranford, first opened up about her postnatal OCD on social media in 2023.

OCD features a pattern of unwanted thoughts and fears known as obsessions. These obsessions lead sufferers to do repetitive behaviours, called compulsions, which interrupt daily activities and can cause major anguish.

Yet Kimberley’s experience of the illness was characterised not by ‘visible and physical’ compulsions but by persistent, intrusive thoughts which became so distressing that she even contemplated suicide as ‘a way out.’

Actor Kimberly Nixon (pictured during the podcast interview) who has starred in Fresh Meat and Cranford, was left terrified about something happening to her son after developing postnatal OCD

Speaking to Bryony, Kimberley recalled how she was ‘really poorly postnatally’ with this type of OCD, to the extent that it was ‘almost a physical feeling’.

The actor, who gave birth to a son in October 2020, during the Covid-19 pandemic, recounted the terror she felt when she and her husband, Cai Howells, took their baby home.

‘I was just convinced that I was going to do something wrong, that I couldn’t do this, that now we were home and it was just us and the responsibility of that,’ she explained. 

Kimberley added that her experience was unlike postnatal depression in that she wasn’t sad, she was simply terrified.

She remembered that even when they were a few weeks in she would be ‘bolt upright’ watching to make sure the baby’s chest was rising and falling. 

Opening up about how her world ‘became very dark’ after giving birth, Kimberley said: ‘It was like there was no hope, or joy, or happiness. I couldn’t really take in all the lovely things that I can take in now’.

She continued: ‘I didn’t enjoy any of it because I was so terrified that it would all get taken away.’

According to the actor, she was overwhelmed by thoughts that she would harm her child by mistakenly letting him roll off the baby changing table onto the tiles. 

‘I could hear it, his skull cracking and I could see it,’ she recalled. 

These thoughts were so all-consuming that Kimberley would put pillows on the floor and set rules for herself. If her son cried, for example, she would have to be there within 10 seconds. 

She told Bryony: ‘And when I’d done everything that I possibly could to protect him from external things, this little voice started off: “What if you’re the danger?”.’

Kimberley became ashamed of herself for having these kinds of thoughts but was afraid to tell anyone, believing that she would lose her baby. 

While the actor was able to tell her husband about how she was feeling, his reassurance that ‘she was just a new mum’ didn’t free her from the grip of the intrusive thoughts. 

She explained: ‘What was screaming in my head was “give the baby to your husband and leave, leave the room, leave the house, leave, leave, leave the country, because that way you know the baby is safe from you”.’

However, while Kimberley was terrified of getting too close to her baby, she was also overcome by feelings of love and warmth for him, wanting to ‘snuggle’ and ‘give him little kisses’. 

Yet, she was unable to enjoy those maternal impulses, second-guessing herself all the time. 

While the actor, who describes herself as ‘mental health savvy’, asked for help straight away, she struggled to get the kind of support she needed. 

‘In fact, it was making me worse because I felt like a freak,’ she said.  

Kimberley has since undergone Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP), which is considered the gold-standard treatment for OCD.

While she is in a much better place now, she looks back on the period after her son’s birth with sadness.

‘It broke my heart because I loved him so deeply, but I couldn’t, I was so scared to love him deeply,’ she said.

• Ever feel like life is a bit…too much? Bestselling author and journalist Bryony Gordon is here to ditch the shame and dive headfirst into life’s messier bits. Search for The Life of Bryony wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes are released every Monday and Friday.