Sex CAN get higher following prostate surgical procedure: TRACEY COX reveals her recommendations on easy methods to enhance your bed room antics – after Gabby Logan’s husband Kenny shared impression his most cancers battle had on their love life

On Oct 25, 2024

Published: 00:50, 25 October 2024 | Updated: 08:03, 25 October 2024

It’s a fact: the more celebrities talk openly about previously taboo topics, the better the public deal with them.

Gabby Logan and her husband Kenny’s honesty about the impact of his battle with prostate cancer on their sex life will have far-reaching consequences – for women as well as men.

Prostate cancer doesn’t just affect the patient, it can have a profound effect on a couple’s sex life and relationship.

The most common side effect of prostate surgery is an erection that’s not consistent. This is due to nerve damage during the surgery. Some men lose length in their penis; incontinence can affect his quality of life.

Emotionally, it’s also difficult.

Gabby Logan and her husband Kenny (pictured in May 2024 in London) opened up about their love life following his cancer battle

It’s not just physical symptoms he’ll struggle with. It’s not unusual for men to stop having sex after prostate surgery out of embarrassment and shame.

His body image suffers and lots of men say they feel less attractive.

Affection can disappear along with sex: what happens if he cuddles you and you expect more, and he can’t deliver?

Meanwhile, you’re nervous about suggesting sex, in case he’s not ready for it. Which some men interpret as you not wanting to have sex with a man whose penis isn’t what it was.

How you’ll cope reflects on your personalities and level of coping skills. As always, communication is key.

Couples who talk openly with each other about what’s going on, survive the journey – and often thrive.

HOW TO HAVE HOT SEX… WITHOUT AN ERECTION

It might not feel like it at the time, but him having prostate surgery can enhance your sex life – mainly because it causes ED (erectile dysfunction).

If men can learn to relax into sex that isn’t intercourse focused, they learn to enjoy foreplay. Because they take longer to get aroused – which may or may not produce an erection – they spend more time on pleasuring us, making for better sex all round.

Because women orgasm from stimulation of the clitoris, not through penetration, intercourse is often the least interesting part of sex for us. Not getting an erection might freak the hell out of men but it can be good news for his female partner.

Here’s how to have great sex – without his penis being star of the show!

The BBC sports presenter and the former rugby union star (pictured) have been together for 23 years

Kenny’s (pictured) prostate cancer was discovered after he’d gone to the doctor to check his testosterone levels

Help him accept what’s happening. Crack this and the rest is easy.

First, you must understand that losing his ability to get a reliable erection is one of the worst things that’s happened to him. Don’t just approach the topic with kid gloves, imagine you’re holding a just hatched chick in the palm of your hand.

Try not to get upset or frustrated if he refuses to talk or, in your opinion, is overreacting to something that’s simply an unavoidable side effect of life-saving surgery. Be kind, be calm, be there for him and appreciate it’s going to take time for him to become comfortable with the ‘new’ him.

Both be patient. Just because he can’t get an erection immediately, doesn’t mean it’s not going to happen. It can take months or up to three years for stretched nerves, unavoidable during surgery, to recover.

Plan when you’ll have sex. A lot of men say, post prostate surgery, that they feel more comfortable knowing when sex will happen. He needs to know if he’s using a drug like Viagra or wants to use a penis pump or injection. It also helps him get into the right mindset.

Sex isn’t just about the genitals. Being able to get an erection or not get an erection doesn’t define someone: we make love with our whole body, not just our genitals. Let an erection be the focus of sex and you’re missing the point entirely.

Let him know you can take care of yourself. If he knows you can climax through other means – a vibrator, him using his tongue or his fingers – the pressure for getting erect lessens.

Stop talking about the sex you used to have. Change focus. It’s not about penetration, erections or even orgasms anymore. This is new, different and exciting. Focus on what’s going right, not what’s going wrong.

Think slow and lazy. Take your time. Get naked. Have lots of deep kissing. Remember sex doesn’t have to include an orgasm for each of you – or any orgasms at all.

Take a break from intercourse. Have oral sex sessions, use hand stimulation, masturbate in front of each other. Vibrators and other sex toys are a great substitute for an erect penis. It’s amazing how much more interesting sex is when you stop making intercourse the main event.

Speaking to The Telegraph in 2023, Kenny (pictured with his wife) said: ‘Whether it be my dyslexia, my relationship, IVF, we’ve always been quite open. So, I was quite happy to talk about erectile dysfunction and all these other things because I was like, ‘It is a symptom’.’

Whatever you do, use lube. Lube should be as essential to sex as oxygen is for breathing. For everyone, any age, any circumstance.

Build desire. Don’t grab straight for his penis and start hopefully pumping. Excite his eyes by watching porn together or a sexy movie. Kiss his neck. Cup his testicles. Squeeze his nipples and cup his testicles. Make eye contact. Tell him what you’re going to do or how turned on it makes you feel. Run your hand up his penis, hold it and squeeze. Then use your fingers to squeeze up and down the shaft.

Now you can use firmer stimulation. Post surgery (and after the healing period), most men like quite vigorous stimulation. Get him to show you what technique he likes best.

Do it for longer. He’ll probably need longer direct stimulation to achieve an erection post-surgery. Make sure you’re comfortable and settle in, making it clear to him that he can relax, lie back and simply enjoy what you’re doing.

Don’t rush to penetrate. If his erection isn’t as firm or doesn’t last as long, there’s a tendency to rush. This does little except ensure he loses his erection. Penis rings help maintain an erection by stopping the blood flowing out of the penis, prolonging his erection and making it more stable.

Experiment with different positions. Your old favourite might not work but another might. The basic five are: him on top, her on top, side by side, him from behind and standing positions.

For the brave, add anal stimulation. Put a well-lubed finger inside his anus or insert a butt plug and leave it there while you stimulate him elsewhere. Vibrating prostate stimulators have revived many a man’s interest in sex after prostate surgery.

Give sexual compliments. How much you love a certain part of their body. The way their skin feels. How they make you feel. How good they are at what they’re doing. Feeling loved, accepted and wanted sexually is a big part of sexual self-esteem for men.

Tracey’s latest book, Great Sex Starts at 50, has lots of practical information about dealing with sex issues later in life.

HOW DO WOMEN FEEL WHEN THEIR PARTNER’S HAVE PROSTATE SURGERY?

Here’s what women told me about their experience with partners who’ve had prostate surgery…

‘When my husband was first diagnosed with prostate cancer and we knew he had to have surgery, our doctor recommended that we go away for a week and have as much sex as we could. At the time we were only just coping emotionally, and that idea didn’t really appeal to us. Now, when I think about it, we should have taken the doctor’s advice!’

‘He’s bitter about it. Calls it his ‘prawn’. He’s always ridiculing himself and pretty much thinks life is over now he’s not the owner of a big penis. I try to be sympathetic, but I find it irritating and a bit pathetic. Women don’t behave like that after a hysterectomy.’

‘He grieved afterwards. Especially when he realised the impotence wasn’t temporary and that sensation was greatly reduced. But over a period of years, he learned to enjoy sex again, by paying more attention to things like kissing, oral sex and stroking. We’re fine now.’

‘My partner’s cancer was very aggressive and that gives you a huge reality check. His life is way, way more important to us than our sex life. That is still the case. I think we are both very happy for what we have considering what he went through.’

‘Once I realised he wasn’t going to die, I was secretly quite pleased. Penetration had hurt for ages and I’d been pretending to like sex when actually I’d come to dread it. The thought of never having to have intercourse again makes me happy, not sad.’

‘Sure, his erection isn’t like it used to be, but we aren’t complaining. But I know it’s not the same for him and that makes me feel sad. His orgasms are far less intense. He said it’s like the difference between a deep, passionate kiss and a butterfly kiss. I sometimes feel hurt that he doesn’t enjoy it as much. Like I should be sexy enough to make it as good as it was. But obviously I know it’s nothing to do with me and everything to do with the side effects of the operation.’

‘Maybe if we’d been younger we wouldn’t have coped so well. Being our ages (we’re both over 60) and having been married for 40 years there is so much love and respect and I don’t feel like I am missing out on anything.’

WILL VIAGRA WORK POST SURGERY?

If he’s had nerve-sparing prostatectomy, it can be effective. Success rates range between 35 and 75 per cent, depending on how much nerve function has been preserved.

If both nerve bundles (which control erections) are spared, the effectiveness is much higher. If one or both nerve bundles are damaged or removed, achieving an erection by using oral medications can be difficult or impossible.

Other factors which affect the effectiveness of the drugs include age, conditions like diabetes or cardiovascular disease and how well he tolerates the drug.

Don’t expect miracles. It can take a little time for the medication to build up in his system – and sometimes, they just don’t work.

Also remember, Viagra and other PDE5’s work by increasing blood flow to the penis. They don’t cause an instant erection: he still needs firm stimulation for an erection to happen.

Viagra, Cialis or Stendra: which is best?

Viagra was the first of its kind, which is why it’s the most famous. But there are lots of choices that may be better.

VIAGRA (Sildenafil):

Best for: Men with partial nerve function.

Lasts: It acts within 30 to 60 minutes and can last four to six hours. Take on empty stomach.

Cons: Wears off faster than the others. Can cause headaches, flushing (going red), and vision changes.

CIALIS (Tadaflafil):

Best for: Spontaneous sex: the effect can last up to 36 hours. It can also help with any post-surgery urinary symptoms.

Lasts: You can choose to take a lower dose daily for sex when you feel like it, rather than having to plan.

Cons: Daily use isn’t necessary for all men. Side effects can include muscle pain and headaches.

LEVITRA (Vardenafil):

Best for: Like Viagra for onset and duration but less affected by food and alcohol.

Lasts: A few hours and used on demand.

Cons: Can cause flushing and dizziness.

STENDRA (Avanafil)

Best for: Men who want fast action and fewer side effects. It works within 15 to 30 minutes and safe to use with alcohol

Lasts: Up to six hours.

Cons: It’s the new kid on the block but has fewer side-effects because it’s more selective in how it acts.

ALTERNATIVES TO VIAGRA

He can’t or doesn’t want to take a pill? Here’s some other solutions.

Use a penis pump: It draws blood into the penis and out again. Use it to keep your penis healthy or to get a workable erection. Once erect, add a penis ring (a tight ring that sits at the base of the penis) to hold the blood in.

Penile injections: Lots of men report high success with this: it works for between 70 and 80 per cent. Medications like alprostadil can be injected directly into the penis to produce an erection. He just needs to be OK with needles – into his most precious part.

Penile implants: If he can’t take drugs and the injections and pump don’t work, this can provide a long-term solution for ED.

Use a strap-on: An easy, non-invasive way to have an erection that never lets you down? Buy a strap-on dildo with a harness.

Use a dildo: Glass dildos are both beautiful and versatile; all dildos mean you aren’t reliant on his erection. Great for role-play, too.

Use a dildo Glass dildos are both beautiful and versatile; all dildos mean you aren’t reliant on his erection. Great for role-play, too.

WHAT IS PROSTATE CANCER?

How many people does it kill?

More than 11,800 men a year – or one every 45 minutes – are killed by the disease in Britain, compared with about 11,400 women dying of breast cancer.

It means prostate cancer is behind only lung and bowel in terms of how many people it kills in Britain.

In the US, the disease kills 26,000 men each year.

Despite this, it receives less than half the research funding of breast cancer and treatments for the disease are trailing at least a decade behind.

How many men are diagnosed annually?

Every year, upwards of 52,300 men are diagnosed with prostate cancer in the UK – more than 140 every day.

How quickly does it develop?

Prostate cancer usually develops slowly, so there may be no signs someone has it for many years, according to the NHS.

If the cancer is at an early stage and not causing symptoms, a policy of ‘watchful waiting’ or ‘active surveillance’ may be adopted.

Some patients can be cured if the disease is treated in the early stages.

But if it is diagnosed at a later stage, when it has spread, then it becomes terminal and treatment revolves around relieving symptoms.

Thousands of men are put off seeking a diagnosis because of the known side effects from treatment, including erectile dysfunction.

Tests and treatment

Tests for prostate cancer are haphazard, with accurate tools only just beginning to emerge.

There is no national prostate screening programme as for years the tests have been too inaccurate.

Doctors struggle to distinguish between aggressive and less serious tumours, making it hard to decide on treatment.

Men over 50 are eligible for a ‘PSA’ blood test which gives doctors a rough idea of whether a patient is at risk.

But it is unreliable. Patients who get a positive result are usually given a biopsy which is also not fool-proof.

Scientists are unsure as to what causes prostate cancer, but age, obesity and a lack of exercise are known risks.

Anyone with any concerns can speak to Prostate Cancer UK’s specialist nurses on 0800 074 8383 or visit prostatecanceruk.org

Gabby Logan