‘Sir Jim Ratcliffe’s Man Utd stint as woeful as Erik ten Hag techniques – he appears clueless’

Well done Jimmy boy – it only took you nine months to figure out that Erik ten Hag was about as useless as a snooze button on a fire alarm. Congratulations. Top marks. Have a Kit-Kat.

Between kicking Fergie to the curb, axing more than 200 staff members, and penny pinching like Daniel Levy at a Primark clearance sale, Ratcliffe’s tenure at Man United has been the footballing equivalent of a trombone sound so far.

Defying all sense, he not only stuck with Ten Hag after a season so woefully bad it made the final one in Game of Thrones look decent, but also gave the bloke a new contract and £200million to spaff up the wall on players.

Then, like a colossal doughnut, he waited for Thomas Tuchel to get another job, and for United’s campaign to get about as ruined as Jack Grealish after a Jäger sesh before finally sending the Dutchman packing.

And now he’s hiring Ruben Amorim – a few months after turning his nose up at the fella the way Tottenham turn their noses up at trophies. Honestly, he’s got more ‘I don’t know what I’m doing’ energy than David Moyes ever did.

Ballon d’Ope

So Vinicius Jr threw a hissy fit after learning he wasn’t winning the Ballon d’Or and didn’t bother showing up for the ceremony like an entitled muppet. In fact, the peevish little oik felt so affronted that he convinced all of his Real Madrid buddies to join him in a club-wide sulk, which is Robbie Savage on commentary-levels of pathetic.

It’s not as if Rodri winning was a scandal either, and acting as if it was makes him seem like more of an insolent sod than Mikel Arteta whenever Arsenal concede a free-kick.

I mean, the man demands respect all the time, but doesn’t show any to his peers – perhaps we ought to call him Pernicious Jr, am I right?… I’ll see myself out.

Behave, Dave

I noticed David de Gea gloating on social media about Ten Hag’s sacking and seriously, what a pillock. Like a parasite scuttling out of the woodwork now that the house is being fumigated, the Spaniard, who’s as legendary a ball-fumbler as his successor Andre Onana, posted a subtle-as-a-clown-at-a-funeral celebration emoji online within minutes of the news.

Sure, Ten Hag was nearly as effective a United manager as Liz Truss was a Prime Minister, but at least people remember what he’s been up to since 2022, unlike ol’ slippery-fingers.

All this petulant crap does is prove that Ten Hag was absolutely right to get rid of him, and that whinge-bag needs to grow up faster than Rio ‘still talks like a teenager’ Ferdinand, who, lest we forget, is a dad in his mid-40s.