JAN MOIR: Charles battles for the monarchy. William battles for the underdog. And Harry? He battles for himself

Halloween is over and Christmas is coming up fast. In terms of international and domestic markets, we are now into the most lucrative sales period of the year: a time when business-savvy celebrities and major stars all want to get their product out in front of the public.

Whether their reward is cold, hard cash or simple warm goodwill, now is the time to make hay. Everybody wants a slice of that profitable festive cheer. And these days, the Royal Family are no different.

Just like rock stars on tour or authors publishing new titles hoping for a festive bestseller, the royals are out on manoeuvres with a vengeance. The King and Queen have been on a tour of Australasia, cramming in up to ten engagements a day and apparently meeting with limited republican resistance.

Yes, there was that mad heckler in Canberra, who accused our dear Charles of genocide. Oh, come on. He’s a harmless old darling! The King is a peacenik who won’t even use pesticides on his begonias and treats his cows and sheep with herbs and homeopathy.

And let us not forget that Charles has embarked upon this tour while still recovering from cancer, accompanied by two doctors every step of the way, just in case.

The way he has battled on cheerfully, patrician but gutsy in his tailored safari shirts and crisp linens, has made me look at him in a new and admiring way.

And despite the relentlessly jaunty vibes, there was a moment at the end of the Samoa summit that hinted at the pressure and worry beating beneath the ever-cheery royal surface.

‘I shall always remain devoted to this part of the world and hope that I survive long enough to come back,’ Charles told his hosts in a moving speech.

At his side, these melancholy words moved Queen Camilla to sobs. In fact, they both looked emotional.

He will be 76 in two weeks, while she is a year older. A time in life to trim the wicks and turn down the lamps, perhaps, instead of embracing their unavoidable destiny of having to blaze away in the global spotlight.

The sense of duty that keeps them on the road is a credit to them both.

In the meantime, the first documentary to feature Camilla since her coronation will be broadcast on November 11.

Her Majesty The Queen: Behind Closed Doors (ITV) sees Cam on cam meeting survivors of domestic abuse, a subject she has campaigned about for over a decade.

This new exposé of Camilla’s good works follows this week’s two-part documentary We Can End Homelessness (also ITV) in which Prince William unveiled his ambitious initiative to end homelessness in the UK within five years.

His project – called Homewards – is bold, brilliant and most certainly doomed to failure, but you must admit that it is brave and ambitious. The protection and security of his most vulnerable subjects is exactly the sort of mission a king-in-waiting should be embarking upon.

As one of the wealthiest landowners in the country trying to help those who haven’t got a carpet tile to call their own, Prince William is not unaware of the paradox of his position – but he is not going to let that stop him.

‘I don’t believe we should be living with homelessness in the 21st century,’ he reasoned. ‘I feel like with my position and platform I should be delivering change.’

Next week he is off on tour to South Africa, undertaking engagements around his Earthshot Prize awards. He leaves behind his wife Catherine, who has also suffered from cancer this year, and children. In his way, he battles on, too.

To their credit, these principal royals are not afraid to embrace big and difficult subjects, or expose themselves to the scrutiny of documentary cameras. Unlike some.

Over in California, whither Prince Harry and his jam-making, mumpreneur wife? The Duchess of Sussex still can’t get her troubled lifestyle brand American Riviera Orchard off the ground – and will miss the Christmas trade entirely this year.

The latest setback comes from a long-established company called Royal Riviera, who have lodged a protest with the Patent and Trademark Office claiming that there is ‘likelihood of confusion’ with Meghan’s American Riviera Orchard label.

For his part, the Duke of Sussex has just made a documentary about the elitist sport of polo – his favourite hobby – while the paperback edition of his tell-all, whine-all autobiography Spare is in the shops for Christmas.

He is also desperately trying to ignore Eric Trump – the second son of presidential hopeful Donald – who has publicly

called Harry a ‘black sheep’; ‘unpopular’; and ‘someone who doesn’t matter’. The words pot and kettle spring to mind, but it is embarrassing and degrading just the same.

If you need a further exemplar of the basic difference between the two warring brothers, here it is right in front of you: William battles for the underdogs, while Harry battles for himself.

At the end of all this, one could argue that the stature of the Royal Family is not what it was and that when Queen Elizabeth died, much of their prestige and mystique died with her.

However, despite the difficulties and illnesses that 2024 has visited upon the House of Windsor, do you know what? Against all the odds, Charles and William are doing just fine.

What about the Saga cruise passenger who thought she was going to die when her ship was caught in a storm in the Bay of Biscay? Last year, Carol Lake was on board the Spirit of Discovery when it was hit by force 11 winds and 30ft waves while sailing back to the UK from the Canary Islands.

One person died and more than 100 were injured in the chaos when the ship lost propulsion and furniture was thrown around.

It was utterly terrifying, but Carol simply went to her cabin and turned on the TV to watch an episode of Strictly. ‘I realised no one in the Bay of Biscay was coming to rescue us if we went over. I thought this was it and I wasn’t going to make it. But I also thought, I have had a good life,’ she said.

‘I just tried to keep a tad of normality in a situation I had absolutely no control over.’

I admire her presence of mind and sequin-drenched sangfroid. In the same circumstances I hope I’d do the same. Just sit quietly in a corner. Looking at my photographs of Daniel Craig, as waves smashed through the portholes. What a way to go.

The art of being Madonna’s boy

Last week it was all about Lourdes Leon, the daughter of Madonna who has dabbled in singing and considered acting before becoming a model. ‘Models are now personalities and artists,’ she claimed, brandishing a Marc Jacobs handbag like a pro. Whatever.

Now meet her brother Rocco Ritchie aka Rhed, an up-and-coming paint-and-canvas type of artist who sells his daubs for £40,000 each.

Madonna was at his show in Paris this week, beaming with pride. In a catalogue featuring his work, we are informed that ‘society conflicts, generational problems and fixation with celebrities’ are subjects that Rhed ‘approaches in a coded fashion’.

Some of his works are even ‘price on request’ – an ambitious affectation which is usually reserved for a Hockney or a Picasso.

My expert friend in the art world despairs. ‘Zero talent, no psychological insight and very ambitious pricing,’ he snorts. ‘And if you go around degree shows at art colleges, you’d see hundreds of artists who are more talented.’

Maybe so – but is their mum called Madonna? Thought not.

Why Clare and Sandi are a woke joke

Clare Balding and Sandi Toksvig are both proud lesbians but, oddly, neither of them are friends of women. Clare is all for mixed-sex sports, while Sandi has openly sneered at those who object to men taking part in female sporting events.

Clare said this week that she even thought mixed-sex football should be an Olympic sport. ‘It’s not about power: it’s about speed, skill, vision and incredible ball skills,’ she added. This is so ridiculously untrue. Not just because I grew up playing football with boys, and still have the scars to prove it.

We all know the Lionesses are a wonderful side, but they don’t have the power of their male counterparts. Just like female tennis players could never compete against men – and it’s ridiculous to pretend otherwise.

Meanwhile, Sandi’s Women’s Equality Party sacked one of its executives for sensibly arguing that children should not be labelled transgender. Now the party is to be shut down after getting only 1,200 votes in the General Election. ‘It’s because politics have moved to the far Right,’ said a WEP spokeswoman. Perhaps they didn’t notice that a Labour government just got elected. Clare and Sandi are such a pair of woke jokes.

Suicide pods might not be the perfect answer to end-of-life issues – but I am all for them. Low-budget, practical, located in a peaceful forest near your home? Why not? Why not just flip the switch and breathe in the fumes if it all gets too much. It’s not inhumane, it is exactly the opposite.

Those with no hope, those blighted by debilitating and painful terminal illnesses deserve to have an option that could end their suffering, that leaves them in control, that offers them the promise of a good or dignified death.

It’s a complicated issue, with many difficult repercussions and outcomes. But as a society, we’ve got to start examining these choices and our attitudes towards them. What a comfort for the afflicted just to know that the possibility was there, should the worst come to the worst. Even if they never act upon it.

Spare us the politics of spite, Carol

Are we all supposed to feel empowered and marvellous about a woman delivering the Budget for the first time?

Count me out, sisters. Especially when Chancellor Rachel Reeves gloated about increasing the price of private jet travel and clunkily mentioned trips to California.

According to sniggering Labour smug bucket Carol Vorderman on X, this was ‘having a dig at Rishi’.

How utterly petty. If indulging in such small-mindedness is how women in high political office are going to behave, then I want no part of it.

Rachel, with all her resentful, student-politics spite, makes me ashamed.