Dating guru says demisexuality is on rise as Tulisa makes I’m A Celeb admission
Demisexuality is a word that many are only hearing for the first time this week thanks to Tulisa’s admission on I’m A Celeb. But, it turns out that the former X Factor judge and singer’s sexuality is more commonplace amongst Brits than first thought.
On Tuesday night (19 November), Tulisa sat around the campfire with fellow campmates of the ITV show set in the Australian outback. She used the opportunity to candidly open up about her past struggles and how she’s been celibate for the last three years in light of enduring a string of traumatic events – including being wrapped up in a fake drug bust.
Tulisa admitted: “I’m proper guarded. I feel like I’m demisexual, I need to have a really close emotional bond with someone…I need actual depth. I’m a slow, slow burner. I’ve been celibate for over three years.”
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Earlier in the week, we reported on what demisexual means, how those who identify with demisexuality operate the dating world and the public reaction to this little known sexual orientation – with many praising Tulisa for making it ‘mainstream’.
On social media, one fan wrote: “Tulisa openly talking about being demisexual on I’m A Celeb tonight was so refreshing!! Literally never seen it being talked about on mainstream media before!”
(Image: ITV/REX/Shutterstock)
And according to the experts at dating app Feeld, demisexuality – where you only experience sexual attraction after forming a strong emotional bond – is an “emerging sexual identity.”
Dr Luke Brunning, Independent Ethics Advisor at Feeld, explained: “Demisexuality is an emerging sexual identity, used for the most part to capture the experience of requiring an emotional bond with someone before one can experience sexual attraction.
“Statistics suggest rising numbers of people describing themselves as demisexual, as well as rising interest in celibacy and ideas like being ‘boysober’.
“These trends most likely reflect several facts.
“First, it is more acceptable to be openly interested in understanding ourselves and our romantic and intimate preferences and orientations independently of any desire to date, or be in a relationship.
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“This ‘inward turn’ is perhaps more necessary now that we live longer, have the ability to postpone committed relationships, and likely experience many forms of heartbreak in a lifetime; all of which require careful thought to understand and navigate.”
Gone are the days of just thinking that immediate sexual attraction be all and end all of getting into a relationship. As the dating expert pointed out, people are being more honest about who they are and what they want from a romantic partner.
Intimacy falls on a huge spectrum and is not just defined as sexual relations. Being intimate with someone can mean many things, like developing an emotional bond.
As people are beginning to understand that sexuality has many parts, people are realising that there are different ways to describe our sexuality.
(Image: Getty Images/Westend61)
Dr Luke continued: “Second, we now have a more nuanced array of concepts and labels to describe our sexuality. Attraction in general, and sexual attraction in particular, is complex and poorly understood.”
“The asexual community, and those on the asexual spectrum ,where demisexuality is often positioned, have gifted everyone with an increased awareness of the ways that sexual attraction can be distinct from other forms of attraction (such as romantic attraction or aesthetic attraction); an awareness of how sexual attraction, sexual desire, sexual arousal, and having sex can all diverge; and an awareness of some of the complex relationships between attraction and context.”
Despite demisexuality being coined in 2006, Dr Luke thinks that having an emotional bond before the development of sexual attraction has always been a priority – especially for women and ‘queer people’.
However, due to the societal disregard of women’s sexual lives, as Dr Luke puts it, exploring different sexualities and needs have majorly been put on the back burner.
(Image: ITV/REX/Shutterstock)
As society changes and becomes more liberal, in parts, people – especially women – are starting to discover that sexuality is not just black and white but more nuanced.
Dr Luke concluded: “Demisexuality is perhaps a new way of describing the fact that, for a significant number of people, attraction follows on from intimacy rather than being the gateway to intimacy.
“A sense of closeness, emotional understanding and – crucially for many women and queer people in particular – safety is, for many, a prerequisite of sexual attraction developing.
“It has likely always been this way, but modern visual culture and the longstanding disregard of women’s sexual lives, has arguably made it harder for people to explore and share the actual patterns of attraction they experience.”
