BRYONY GORDON: Sorry Bob Geldof, is not it time you and the opposite Band Aid millionaires dipped into your individual pockets first?

Hark! The herald angels sing…the herald angels, as well as their good friends Bob Geldof, Midge Ure, Bono and – somewhat controversially this time – Ed Sheeran.

Yes, just when you thought streaming sites such as Spotify might have put an end to the Band Aid single, up pops Geldof on the nation’s chat show sofas to assure us all that – it being the 40th anniversary of the charity song – he has kindly decided to release a ‘megamix’ just in time for the Christmas party season.

‘I think it’s a work of art,’ he said tearfully earlier this week. ‘Aren’t the voices incredible? I think it’s some of the greatest production art that has ever been done on a rock and roll record.’

I’ll leave you to make your mind up on that one. But just in case you can’t quite bring yourself to download the megamix of Do They Know It’s Christmas?, I should tell you that it features the voices of all the stars who’ve appeared on the previous three Band Aid singles, which were released in 1984, 2004 and 2014.

So Coldplay‘s Chris Martin sings with Boy George, Robbie Williams with George Michael, and Rita Ora with Sinead O’Connor, while One Direction (including the vocals of the late Liam Payne) share the mic with Duran Duran. It’s probably the only time you’ll hear Olly Murs perform alongside Sir Paul McCartney. But remarkable as that fact alone is, do we really need another Band Aid?

Ed Sheeran, whose vocals also appear on the song, thinks not. Last week, he announced his regret at taking part in the 2014 re-recording of the single.

‘My approval wasn’t sought on this new Band Aid 40 release and had I had the choice I would have respectfully declined the use of my vocals,’ he wrote on Instagram. ‘A decade on and my understanding of the narrative associated with this has changed.’ 

He pointed to criticism the song has attracted, from people who think it presents a skewed version of Africa – attracting pity, rather than investment and tourism. (Do They Know It’s Christmas? As I noted back in 2014, given that there are more than 700 million Christians in Africa, more than any other continent on the planet, you’d imagine so.)

But if Sheeran thought he might prompt a bit of meaningful discourse about damaging stereotypes stifling growth, he was sadly mistaken.

Harvey Goldsmith, who was behind the original Live Aid event in 1985, described critics such as Sheeran as ‘busybodies and woke people and do-gooders who know everything’. Spandau Ballet’s Tony Hadley said the singer should ‘shut up’.

The spat rather detracted from the spirit of Christmas giving that Geldof had hoped to create with the new single. But it did feel very 2024 that Geldof, one of the most sneering members of the liberal elite, was now being attacked by… the liberal elite. Pop has, indeed, eaten itself.

It’s easy, of course, to sit at home on my big fat behind, pointing out all the problems with the single, conveniently ignoring the fact it’s raised a huge amount for charity, and that back in the 1980s, it genuinely made a huge difference when it came to improving the lives of people in Ethiopia.

But it’s easy because Geldof et al have made it so, with their hectoring and pontificating and, most of all, their hypocrisy. We now know that as Geldof stood on stage at Wembley in 1985, begging Brits for their money, many of the acts were backstage blowing theirs on drugs and booze.

And let us not forget that Geldof, who is apparently worth over £100 million, has had his tax affairs called into question. In 2019, it was revealed his private equity firm 8 Miles reportedly used a tax haven as a tax avoidance scheme.

Back in 2012, Geldof exploded at a reporter who had the temerity to question him on his status as a non-dom, saying: ‘I pay all my taxes. My time? Is that not a tax?’

On that point, why is it that celebrities seem to think it’s OK for them to simply donate their presence, while the rest of us are expected to donate our money? Which brings me to one of the biggest problems I have with Band Aid: that it’s run by a load of millionaires who earn more in a day than most Brits will ever dream of earning in a year, and certainly most Africans. Between them, Geldof, Ure and Goldsmith could easily sort out any number of problems, without inflicting yet another version of the same old song on us.

But the most dispiriting thing of all about Band Aid is the lazy assumption that Brits are miserly, and unwilling to donate to charity unless called upon to do so by a celebrity like Harry Styles.

Fortunately, we know this just isn’t true. Last year, the British public donated an estimated £13.9 billion to charity, up £1.2 billion on 2022, despite the cost-of-living crisis.

Meanwhile, mass-participation charity events such as Race For Life and Movember have seen a 16 per cent rise in fundraising compared to the year before. It is simply second nature for kind Brits to run, hike and bake in order to help people less fortunate than themselves.

So in ten years’ time, when Geldof et al inevitably think about doing Band Aid 50, perhaps they should instead take their cue from the great, caring British public, and reach into their own pockets first.

Why cheeky Maura’s my Queen of the jungle  

God bless Maura Higgins, the former Love Island star who is currently shaking things up in the I’m A Celebrity jungle. The 34-year-old is charming viewers – and campmates – with her humour and honesty, so it’s not a surprise to hear that she’s apparently enchanted Strictly’s Pete Wicks, too.

Maura’s my Queen of the jungle – and together, her and Pete are truly the rulers of reality TV.

 I’m not sure the new Wicked movie needs a trigger warning over ‘green skin discrimination’, but it definitely needs to give viewers a heads up over its running time (almost three hours). I made the mistake of taking a three-year-old to see it at the weekend – and had to walk out when we realised that, 90 minutes in, we were barely half way through! 

Us ‘Blue Tits’ must unite for clean seas  

If there’s any sport we middle-aged women can lay claim to, it’s cold water swimming. Indeed, so popular is the activity, there’s even a national organisation to bring us altogether, called the Blue Tits. I love joining my nearest group at our local lido throughout winter. The water there may not be heated, but it is at least chlorinated.

Elsewhere in the country, people aren’t so lucky. Figures released this week show that a record number – one in 12 – of England’s official swimming spots have failed to meet water quality standards. There’s only one thing for it: us Blue Tits need to join forces and create a mighty army to fight this pollution!

BA? I’d rather fly easyJet! 

How wonderful to hear that British Airways has spent a small fortune redesigning its first-class cabin (according to reports, each seat will cost around £100,000 to make). Meanwhile, the majority of BA’s economy customers continue to put up with delays, cancellations and bad service. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather fly easyJet every time.

Confidence clinic

Good news for anyone who struggles with self care: according to a new study at Tel Aviv University, getting your hair and nails done makes you behave more kindly to others. Take that as permission to book a treat this weekend. If anyone questions it, you can legitimately tell them you’re doing it to help others!