I turned a single mum at 41 due to IVF… I am keen on my son however I grieve the absence of a associate each father’s day – here is my recommendation to ladies contemplating going solo

At 45, Stacy Thomson is a proud mother to Milo, a lively 3-year-old, who she conceived through IVF at 41, but while her motherhood journey has brought her immense joy, it has also been far from conventional. 

Stacy’s decision to become a solo parent was one she didn’t make out of desperation, but rather after years of navigating the often frustrating and exhausting world of modern dating.

‘I’ve always imagined myself being a mum,’ she says, ‘but when I was in my 30s, I wasn’t desperate to have children. My life was pretty good, and I was enjoying it. The world is set up for you to enjoy it. I wasn’t in a rush.’

The trend of solo motherhood via IVF (In Vitro Fertilisation) has quietly tripled in the last decade as data published on Tuesday by the UK’s fertility regulator revealed the figures have gone from 1,400 in 2012 to 4,800 in 2022. 

Despite the shift, Stacy candidly told MailOnline that this method of creating your family is not for the faint hearted as she discussed periods of loneliness, the grief for the life you thought you would have and the realities of a world that is not design for single parenthood.  

In her 30s, Stacy became increasingly frustrated with the process finding the one: ‘I got a bit of dating fatigue. I wasn’t really dating. Even though I wanted to find a partner, I realised I wasn’t actually doing it. 

‘I was distracted by other things—going out with friends, taking holidays, buying things I didn’t need. It wasn’t like I was desperately waiting to get married and have children,’ she admits. 

However, she joked she had always had a pact with herself that if she wasn’t in a relationship by the time she turned 40, she’d go it alone and have a child via IVF. 

‘I always joked about it. I’d say, ‘If I don’t find a partner by 40, I’ll do it on my own.’ In some ways, it was a self-fulfilling prophecy. But maybe it was more like manifestation,’ she said with a laugh. 

But telling her parents was another emotional hurdle she had to overcome: ‘It’s not exactly anybody’s dream for their daughter to go through solo IVF.

‘It’s not what my parents imagined for me, and I think they went through a grieving process too.

‘Don’t get me wrong they are incredible with Milo, my mum is like a second parent to him. But where I grew up in Carlisle the idea of IVF or going it alone was completely unheard of.’ 

Currently, in the UK eligibility for NHS funded IVF does not typically favour single women.

As with same-sex couples, single women are required to have self-funded between six and 12 rounds of intrauterine insemination (IUI) before being offered NHS treatment costing around £1500 for each one. 

But because of her age she did not qualify for NHS support, meaning she would have to self-fund her journey – which can be up to around £10,000 in some clinics. 

So she opted for a clinic in Greece and paid 6000 euros for the procedure, which fortunately she only had to do once as she fell pregnant on her first round.  

However, Stacy is quick to admit that solo parenthood is not without its challenges. ‘Society isn’t set up for it. It’s tough. 

‘I’ve never really felt stigmatised, but it’s still hard. Parenting is incredibly difficult as it is, and doing it alone is even harder. And when you’re going through solo IVF, there’s a whole new level of emotional complexity. 

‘You realise how privileged you are to be able to have a child, but you also grieve what you don’t have.

‘In my first year I felt like I was seeing dads and couples everywhere. Even when I was pregnant there were times when I felt lonely and was sad not to be sharing these moments with someone.

‘I grieve the absence of a second parent every Father’s Day, I long for them when I’m on holiday and see dads helping out at lunch or teaching the kids how to swim.

‘It makes you acutely aware of your own loneliness.

‘You always picture yourself having a happy ending and that isn’t necessarily going to be going through IVF on your own.’ 

Despite this, Stacy is determined to give Milo a happy, fulfilling life. ‘I don’t think being a donor child is part of Milo’s identity,’ she explains, ‘It’s just a piece of the puzzle that helped bring him into the world. He is so much more than that.’ 

Adding: ‘Milo may ask questions one day, and we’ll have that conversation, but for now, I want him to grow up in a world where this is just another way to have a family.’ 

She hasn’t given up on finding the one though, as she adamantly said: ‘I believe in love. I think we are all only two or three degrees away from the right person. 

‘I haven’t really been dating for the past five years. It is even harder with a young child, but I’m not giving up yet!’  

She’s even considering giving Milo another sibling in the future, as her most recent fertility checks revealed she is still healthy enough to carry a child. 

For any woman considering solo IVF, Stacy has one piece of advice: ‘Just put one foot in front of the other. Don’t catastrophise. The journey is tough, but it’s also incredibly rewarding. And if you’re willing to go through it, you’ll get the family you’ve always dreamed of.’