I’m a psychologist – here is the right way to inform if somebody is a narcissist (or simply poisonous)

A psychologist has revealed how you can tell whether someone is a narcissist – or is acting in a toxic manner. 

Dr Ramani Durvasula, who is based in Los Angeles, claims that while ‘everybody’ is talking about narcissism, ‘nobody seems to be understanding it.’ 

Speaking in a YouTube video that’s been viewed over 50,000 times, she said that it does ‘no one any favours’ when the word narcissism is used ‘where it doesn’t apply’.

She then explained the difference between ‘toxic’ and ‘narcissistic’.

To label someone a narcissist, the person must exhibit a number of specific traits – and lack other ones – which, in turn, lead to specific behaviours.

Toxicity, however, is ‘subjective’. In other words, a trait or behaviour that one person finds toxic could be perfectly acceptable to someone else. 

Dr Ramani says: ‘Toxic is subjective. Some things bother us based on our histories, our families of origin, our experiences in the world, our beliefs and our own quirks’.

However, none of those things matter with a narcissist as narcissism isn’t a matter of perception.

Rather, ‘it is a much more definable personality style based on the accumulation of looking at a person’s behaviour’. 

Another key difference between narcissists and toxic people is what motivates them, with narcissists craving ‘control and power’.

And, while a narcissistic person is beset with ‘insecurity and shame’, a toxic person may not have ‘a psychological storm inside them’. 

Finally, toxic and narcissistic people (and relationships) affect us in vastly different ways, with narcissistic relationships having more ‘far-reaching effects’. 

Dr Ramani adds: ‘Toxic people may be annoying [and] even upsetting at times but maybe not as universally harmful [as narcissists].’

Here, starting with their respective traits and behaviours, Femail takes a look at the key differences between toxicity and narcissism.

TRAITS & BEHAVIOURS   

According to Dr Ramani, a narcissistic person has the following traits: low, inconsistent empathy; grandiosity; entitlement; and arrogance.

She says: ‘They’re very superficial, they have an excessive need for admiration and validation and praise, they envy other people or they believe other people envy them, they’re pathologically selfish.’

Using the analogy of baking a cake, Dr Ramani adds: ‘That’s pretty much the cake – and you can’t leave any of the ingredients out.

‘You need them all to call it narcissism.’

And, while these narcissistic traits undoubtedly make someone toxic, it’s also true that someone can still be toxic even if they have just a couple or even none. 

‘One way to think about it is that all narcissistic people are toxic but not all toxic people are narcissistic,’ Dr Ramani explains. 

The narcissistic traits, according to Dr Ramani, lead to behaviours including ‘manipulation’ and ‘gaslighting’.  

A narcissist is also likely to be dismissive, minimise other people, have contempt for them, betray them and belittle them, according to Dr Ramani.

In addition, they shift blame, get angry easily, have poor frustration tolerance, are passive aggressive, are controlling, have a need for power, lie and future-fake. 

Future-faking is when someone talks at length about plans for the future but never follows through on them. 

She acknowledges that there are different kinds of narcissism but, returning to the cake analogy, suggests the different kinds ‘are like frosting’ while ‘the cake is the cake’.    

Meanwhile, toxic people may have traits in common with a narcissist – for example, they may think they deserve special treatment or become shirty if they have to queue – but they don’t exhibit all the traits and, in the right context, can even show empathy.

Reflecting on what makes someone toxic, Dr Ramani highlights that a toxic person may make us feel uncomfortable due to the way they treat us or other people. They may be stubborn and be poor listeners.

Equally, they might be ‘dismissive’, have ‘cr***y boundaries’ or be demanding.   

‘When you’re with them you feel like you can never get it right with them,’ she says.

‘They get mad or sad or they withdraw when they don’t get their way.’  

Reflecting on the toxic people in her life, Dr Ramani says: ‘I find them interpersonally icky. I’ve sort of dreaded seeing them. I’ve felt like they were a waste of time sometimes and I avoided [them] but I felt it would be a bridge too far to call them narcissistic.’

Rather, as she sees it, ‘it’s an a**hole vibe’ and ‘privilege and entitlement’ rather than narcissism. 

Moreover, while narcissism requires all the narcissistic traits, according to Dr Ramani, toxicity does not – because it’s ‘subjective’. 

She explains: ‘Some things bother us based on our histories, our families of origin, our experiences in the world, our beliefs and our own quirks – and some people may find our quirks toxic.’ 

What one person finds toxic – for example, someone bragging about their 4am wake-up time – another person may find acceptable, or even admirable. 

MOTIVATIONS & PSYCHOLOGICAL MAKEUP 

‘The thing that motivates [narcissists] is their need for control, power, domination – something to offset their insecurity and shame,’ Dr Ramani explains.

By contrast, a toxic person who is not narcissistic probably isn’t beset by insecurity and shame.

Dr Ramani says that a person whose behaviour is toxic rather than narcissistic ‘may not have the same demons and insecurity’ as a narcissist. 

Speaking about toxic people, she adds: ‘They’re a handful but it’s not a big psychological storm inside them.’

With that in mind, they probably aren’t seeking admiration or validation in the same way that a narcissist is.

And, as a result, they are unlikely to be especially manipulative or to gaslight or future-fake. Rather, toxic people – unlike narcissists – can show empathy.

HOW THEY AFFECT US

Toxic people and narcissists affect others in different ways, with narcissists’ behaviour generally having a more severe impact. 

When in the presence of people we consider toxic, we may find that ‘we cannot fully be ourselves’, according to Dr Ramani. 

She adds: ‘We not only feel as if we have to modify ourselves in different ways but that the other person has no interest in seeing our whole selves. And, if we show up as our whole self, they will either not see us or have a problem with it.’

As a result, we’re unlikely to feel at ease with toxic people and will probably feel unsettled in their company, like we have to walk on eggshells. 

Yet, because toxicity is neither all-encompassing nor objective in the way that narcissism is, we must also accept that someone who we find toxic may exhibit positive traits in the right circumstances.

While we find them toxic on the basis of, for example, their sexist views, another person may find them endearing because they’ve been helpful. 

Because toxicity is informed by ‘our preferences and our histories,’ Dr Ramani suggests that ‘maybe the better way to approach it is not that this is a toxic person but that these are really toxic patterns for me‘. 

And, unlike narcissism, it’s possible that toxicity could ‘shift a little bit’. A good conversation, for example, could lead you to experience a toxic person in a different way. 

When it comes to narcissism, however, we will likely feel like we are being ‘psychologically torn apart’, which we wouldn’t usually feel with toxicity. 

Narcissistic relationships have more far-reaching effects. 

‘We may not feel confused or crazy or dumb or as though it’s our fault in every toxic relationship,’ Dr Ramani says.

‘When the toxic behaviour or relationship is narcissistic then you’re going to feel those things.’

In other words, while you are unlikely to feel ‘triggered’ by a toxic person, a narcissistic person can ‘destabilise’ you. 

‘With a narcissist you might spend the next week ruminating and wondering,’ Dr Ramani adds.