DR MAX PEMBERTON: What you must REALLY inform your youngsters about Father Christmas… and when to do it

What I’m about to tell you may cause a sharp intake of breath, but the fact is I was just five years old when I discovered that Father Christmas wasn’t real.

What caused my rude awakening? No, I didn’t spot my dad creeping into my room with a sack full of presents, and I didn’t fall victim to a mean older child at school. Rather, I asked my mum and she told me, plain and simple, that he didn’t exist.

She explained the folklore around St Nicholas and how he would secretly give gifts, and that this tradition continues – but she left me under absolutely no illusion that a magical jolly bloke would be squeezing down our chimney on Christmas Eve.

And guess what? My world didn’t come crashing down; at least it didn’t once I’d understood that I would still be getting the Christmas presents I’d asked for.

So why didn’t she just lie and say ‘Yes, darling, of course he exists’? What made her decide to shatter the snow globe of childhood innocence after only five short years?

Well, Mum had thought about it, and her belief was that she should not lie to me. So, when asked, she told me the truth. It was that simple.

Over the years, whenever I’ve mentioned this to friends, they’ve looked at me with a combination of horror and pity. People just can’t believe that years of festive wonderment and excitement could have been taken from me – and by my mum, of all people.

I’m always quick to defend her, and not just because it didn’t really bother me, but because, as a psychiatrist, I agree with her. In fact, I think it’s what every parent should do.

And I’m not the only one. Dr Joseph Millum, a philosopher at the University of St Andrews, wrote an essay last week in which he argued that maintaining the myth around St Nick is ‘parenting by lying’.

While he does temper his criticism by saying that there are worse parenting choices (and I certainly agree with this), he also said: ‘I believe that telling your child that Santa really exists is unethical. It’s manipulative, breaches their trust and may cause worry and upset for benefits that can be provided without lying.’

Quite right too! If you stand back and look at it, it is an odd thing to lie about. We tell small children that an elderly man sneaks into the house, enters their bedroom and gives them presents. That if they are naughty or don’t do as they are told, the old man will somehow know and not give them any gifts.

Be honest. This does sound rather creepy and sends a confusing message to children who we spend a good deal of time warning about stranger danger.

I’m aware that this isn’t a very popular opinion and I’m not the Grinch who stole Father Christmas, I promise.

My mum’s thinking was that there would be times when she needed my sister and I to trust that she was telling the truth. If, however, she fibbed about Father Christmas, then, as small children who struggle with nuance, we wouldn’t know when she was telling the truth and when she wasn’t. There was a risk that it might undermine trust, and, as a teacher with a lot of experience with children, she felt that this could cause confusion in our little minds.

I think she was right. I don’t feel I was robbed of a magical childhood by not believing in Father Christmas, and I really appreciate how she has always tried to be honest with me.

As a boy, in fact, I felt particularly special in the knowledge that other children’s parents were lying to them – but mine weren’t. It emphasised how much trust we had.

There’s a sound psychological basis for this approach. Young children lack the ability to understand the difference between a ‘white lie’ (motivated by good intention and often meant to instil positive emotions) and an ‘instrumental lie’ (which is used to manipulate or get someone to comply with your wishes).

In other words, small children don’t know what is OK to lie about, and what isn’t.

One research paper last year looked at a number of studies into the effects of parents lying to their children and found that when mum and dad withhold the truth, then their kids, in turn, become more likely to tell them whoppers.

This is called ‘social learning hypothesis’, and the idea is that we learn what is and is not acceptable by observing how others behave.

None of us is born with an inherent set of values; instead, we develop our moral compass by soaking up what happens around us.

So if little ones have experience of adults lying to them – regardless of the context – then their understanding of acceptable behaviour changes.

And that should be a concern for every parent. Because the last thing you want is a child who doesn’t tell you the truth – not least because having a relationship in which your children feel able to fully disclose everything to you is an important facet of keeping them safe.

So, what do I recommend you do if you’re asked the dreaded question about Santa Claus?

You should look them in the eye and tell them the truth: that their present list is in safe hands, but it will be mum and dad, not Father Christmas, who will be making it magical for them this year.

Physician associates (PAs) are to be regulated from next week – but by the General Medical Council, which is very confusing. The GMC regulates doctors. PAs have far less training than doctors and should have their own regulatory body. 

 Camilla is right to rest up 

Queen Camilla admitted last week that her chest infection was, in fact, pneumonia, and she was suffering from its ‘lingering’ after-effects. As a consequence, she scaled down her involvement in a Qatari state visit, missing the ceremonies taking place outdoors. The Queen is listening to her doctors, taking things slowly and allowing her body to recuperate.

Before antibiotics, this disease was potentially fatal. Thankfully, this is now a rare outcome in ordinarily healthy people. However, pneumonia can take a long time to get over. Our lungs are delicate and can take weeks, even months, to recover. We should not forget that it is still a serious illness. 

Take a bit of a breather from your schedule, Your Majesty, and make sure you fully recover.

The country is in dire straits and the Government has decided that the pressing issue is… porridge. Yes, certain types of porridge, along with other breakfast cereals, are included in a list of products that fall into a new ban on junk food advertising. 

The legislation, which applies to online ads and TV adverts shown before 9pm, comes into force in October 2025 and is intended to tackle childhood obesity. It sends entirely the wrong message, though, polarising food into ‘good’ and ‘bad’. Pretty much all food except fruit and veg, so this logic goes, is bad. 

And since we can’t shield children, parents must be emboldened to say ‘no’. Are children so mollycoddled today that many parents are now too scared to do this?

Dr Max prescribes… 

During the pandemic we all used hand sanitiser, but since then it has fallen out of favour. With the NHS warning of a ‘quad-emic’ as cases of norovirus, RSV, flu and Covid surge, it’s crucial that we use hand sanitiser again, so we’re not passing on unwanted germs.