I had a crack on the GCHQ Christmas Challenge and really feel my life is likely to be about to alter

GCHQ’s annual Christmas challenge is out, giving everyday people the faint glimmer of hope that they might have what it takes to be the next James Bond. Every year, idiots like me flock to the flame of hope, to the possibility that all of our mediocrity might actually be leading up to something big. Today, just maybe, is the start of the story.

Well I’ve got news for you – it isn’t. You’re not a Soviet sleeper agent, memory wiped and waiting for activation. You don’t have a natural capacity for spycraft. You don’t know how to fight, don’t know six languages you don’t remember learning and don’t have a secret, amnesia-riddled backstory and a bank locker filled with passports.

You know this is true. You know it about yourself and I know know it about me too. And yet, once again, I thought this year could be the one.

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They lull you in, those friendly spy nerds, all polar bears in Santa hats and robins on cute little maps. DON’T LET IT FOOL YOU.

For every snowy little owl cartoon or happy little hedgehog there is a child’s crushed dreams. Another little kid whose only real love has ever been 007 with their joy dashed against the rocks by a vaguely disguised government recruitment flyer – at least the Army has the honesty to show warzones in their adverts.

There are questions a lot of people will be able to have a go on, maybe even get right, the puzzle itself is done in such a way that initially looks simple and quick. But the deeper you get, the more little bits of bread on their Hansel and Grettle trail you wolf down like a dumb little puppy, the more you realise this is long, complicated and, ultimately, quite boring.

Forget ‘are you clever enough to work this out,’ and try ‘are boring enough to sit here for hours staring at that smug little dinosaur (very Christmassy), shushing your loved ones every time they try and talk to you.’

If you genuinly can smash it in a few minutes then fair enough, but for most people, this isn’t a ‘fun game to see if you have what it takes,’ this is a weapon to remind the population that they aren’t as clever as the bigger boys and girls in the top secret spy clubs – don’t question them and let them get on with the incredibly important job of saving the world.

I say let’s let them. If they’re so clever they can find their own spies. I say get yourself down to the pub, get a Santa hat on and have a mince pie. You can’t lose if you don’t play the game.

If you haven’t worked out that I failed again this year then you must be even more stupid than me. I did fail, but something good has come out of it. This year’s puzzle has changed my life: I think I’m finally coming to terms with the fact I’m not going to be a spy.

Anyway, same time next year.

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