JAN MOIR: Fergie galloped to the royals’ rescue… like a three-legged horse sporting a blindfold

You know that we have reached hard-crack point on the royal sugar thermometer when the Duchess of York is the one who is credited with giving out the good advice.

Fergie! The calamity-prone former toe-suckee who accepted money from Jeffrey Epstein, attempted to sell access to her husband and has generally blundered through royal life with the elan of an entitled, runaway rhino? Yes, that one.

In the years following the deaths of Queen Elizabeth and the unforgiving Prince Philip – her harshest critic – Ferg has been busy, busy, busy transforming herself into a kind of sensible agony aunt for nincompoop princes; a wise owl, a safe pair of hands, the Duchess of Judicious.

You have to laugh into your eggnog – or else you’d start crying and never stop. For if Fergie has all the answers, somebody is asking the wrong questions.

Fresh revelations about the Duke of York’s links to alleged Chinese spy Yang Tengbo have cast him further into chilly royal exile.

This means that neither Andrew nor Sarah will join King Charles for the family Christmas lunch at Sandringham – a privilege that Queen Elizabeth II always extended to her supposedly favourite son, no matter what the clod had done.

However, Andrew is now such a major embarrassment that he is about as welcome at the family table as guano in the guacamole, as a dead mouse in the punchbowl, as a hunk of turkey gizzard in the royal trifle. And you can bet he doesn’t like it one bit.

Fergie, who has cast herself in the unlikely late-life role of peacemaker and deal-breaker, even had to talk him out of attending Thursday’s annual Buckingham Palace pre-Christmas lunch for extended family and friends.

I wonder what she said to him. ‘Andrew, do you see that large rock over there? Get under it and don’t come out till I say so.’

Of course, Andrew wanted to go to all the parties and family gatherings. As usual, he thinks he has done nothing wrong, despite allegations that Yang became a ‘close confidant’ of his while engaged in ‘covert and deceptive activity’ for the Chinese Communist Party.

Oh, it’s almost too wonderful for words. Andrew not only nearly brought down the monarchy with his arrogance and stupidity, now it emerges he might have been a threat to national security, too.

Yet when it emerged that he was possibly the hole in the doughnut of a Chinese spy ring, I suspect the prince was actually rather pleased. Especially when he was described as a ‘useful idiot’ – because that’s the first time in his 64 years that he’s ever been described as a useful anything. And now galloping to the rescue like a three-legged horse wearing a blindfold is his ex-wife.

Apparently Fergie has played a key role in smoothing relations between King Charles and Prince Andrew amid ongoing family tensions, and acts as a mediator over the fractious matter of where the pair of them are going to live in future. Andrew wants to remain at Royal Lodge in Windsor Great Park, the King wants him to relocate to the more modest Frogmore Cottage.

Palace insiders suggest Fergie may be the only person capable of persuading Andrew to undertake the move, but I will believe it when the chintz and the new telephone system so generously gifted by their Chinese friends are being loaded into the removal vans.

For the prickly Yorks have always resisted anything that might reduce their status in royal circles.

Since the day they got married in 1986, their life together has always been about increasing their tattered eminence while filling their pockets, not about tolerating any diminishing returns on their standing.

That’s one reason why it’s so difficult to accept the Duchess of York in her new role as Mary Poppins to the princes. Come off it! Surely she played a major part in Andrew making such a fool of himself in the first place.

Sarah’s zeal for riches and cachet matched Andrew’s eagerness to be seen as a man of import, a global player on the world stage.

These were key factors in the pair of them befriending fabulously rich people such as Epstein, in the greedy hope that some of that filthy lucre would fall into their laps – which it did. 

Later, Sarah said she ‘deeply’ regretted accepting £15,000 from Jeffrey Epstein to help pay off some of her debts. I’ll bet she did! All it proved was how cheaply the pair of them could be bought.

Mistake after mistake, scandal after scandal, on and on the Yorks travel down their own yellow brick road of blunder. No wonder King Charles doesn’t want them around at Christmas.

Yet for staying loyal to Prince Andrew and helping to smooth over his peevish relations with the King – who by the way is no stranger to dodgy rich men bearing gifts himself – the Duchess of York is treated like some kind of saint.

But what else can she do? Without Andrew and the Royal Family, she barely has a home, let alone a social profile. ‘I want to do as much for the King and Queen as possible. I wish they’d ask me to do more,’ she said in a recent interview. Good Lord. Hasn’t she done enough?

Does it matter what class Blake is from?

Can actress Blake Lively really be described as working class? Her husband Ryan Reynolds thinks so. In a recent interview, he attributed their parenting approach to their ‘very working-class backgrounds’.

Yet Blake grew up a wealthy suburb of Los Angeles, where her parents worked in the entertainment industry. Dad Ernie was an actor; mum Elaine was a talent scout. And last year, Victoria Beckham’s claims to be working class were mocked by her own husband David, who forced her to admit that she was driven to school in her father’s Rolls-Royce.

And now that Grace Dent is to replace Gregg Wallace on MasterChef, fans have delighted in calling her ‘a middle-class woman of a certain age’ – how Wallace described his female critics.

But Grace is proudly working class – as she has declared many times. Should any of this even matter?

Sometimes it feels like we have barely moved on from the Victorian Age.

Will Madame Pelicot’s ordeal ever be over?

Yesterday on Sky News, a male presenter was expressing his admiration for the ‘dignity’ Gisele Pelicot had shown throughout the harrowing trial of her abusers. Indeed.

As she was filmed leaving the court following the verdicts in the worst sexual abuse case ever heard in France, in which 51 men were sentenced to more than 400 years in jail, Sky ran this caption onscreen underneath her image: ‘Raped by multiple men.’

Isn’t she worth more than that? So much more.

Yet one wonders if Madame Pelicot’s ordeal will ever be truly over.

Yes, her husband has been sentenced to 20 years in jail, but his lawyers are considering an appeal.

Meanwhile, another lawyer complained about the long sentences for his clients, each of them a disgusting rapist, because they were only mere ‘puppets’ of Dominique Pelicot.

The lawyer for one defendant – who was found guilty of sexual assault but walked free after already spending the length of his sentence on remand – was filmed mocking protesters outside the court, calling them ‘a bunch of hysterical knitters’ and saying ‘my client has a message for you – the message is s***’. Another lawyer for some of the guilty men said he was worried about his clients committing suicide.

How the heart doesn’t bleed for them.

It all suggests that attitudes in France towards women and women victims of sexual assault still need to improve. And at time of writing, there has been no comment yet – nothing! – from President Macron on a crime that has shocked the world. What a disgrace.

The UK’s first driverless bus service has shut down in Scotland.

There was a lack of interest – and passengers – in the 14-mile route from Fife to Edinburgh operated by Stagecoach.

Even though I’ve been in a Waymo driverless taxi in America – and loved it! – I’m not sure I’d be happy in a driverless bus going over the Forth Road Bridge in a high wind with a load of Falkirk hooligans drinking alcopops on board.

No thanks, Stagecoach.

This is a first. Queen Camilla has granted a royal warrant to Jo Hansford, who has been colouring her hair for the past three decades. That’s one way to get an appointment!

But listen, I am not sure that Jo should be given a royal seal of approval.

Shouldn’t she be sent to the Tower for crimes against hair instead? For Camilla is just too blonde. Far too blonde! She’s blonder than an Arctic fox in a snowstorm under a klieg light. You can see her neon blonde bob from the moon. With that nuclear glow lighting the way, she doesn’t even need a crown on top.

All I am saying, Jo, is that a few sobering lowlights scattered among the Queen Cam white-out wouldn’t go amiss.

You’re welcome!

It’s Merry Christmas from me — even if Gabby won’t say it

At the end of the BBC’s Sports Personality Of The Year show, presenter Gabby Logan wished viewers a ‘happy festive season’ rather than a ‘Merry Christmas’.

Was she being woke? One sighs and supposes so, even if there wouldn’t be a festive season without Christmas. So why not just say it anyway?

No one on the BBC would change the names of Diwali or Yom Kippur or Eid – for example – into something banal and generic, fearful of offending non-participating religious groups. Far from it! Yet somehow, it is always acceptable to be reductive about Christianity.

This is despite the fact that historically and culturally this is a Christian country with customs and anniversaries taken from the liturgical year. Gabby and co would do well to remember that, but we all know they won’t.

Anyway, may I take this opportunity to wish all my readers a very Merry Christmas indeed.