I’m a intercourse therapist and there are 4 issues I might NEVER do to my associate
Making him feel guilty for turning down sex and expecting him to do all of the work – these are just two things a top sex therapist says she would never do in a relationship.
Vanessa Marin, who is based out of California, gives unfiltered sex and relationship advice to her nearly 1million social media followers. In addition to videos on dirty talk, sexting and relationship dynamics, Ms Marin often talks about how to spice things up in the bedroom and increase intimacy.
In one video, Ms Marin described the ‘Things I won’t do to my partner as a sex therapist.’
She writes in the caption: ‘After two decades in the sex therapy field and working with thousands of couples, there are certain things that I will not be doing in our relationship.’
Firstly, she would never make her husband do all the initiating when it comes to sex ‘simply because he’s the man.’
‘No way,’ she adds.
According to multiple surveys, data shows men generally initiate sex more frequently than women in relationships, but Ms Marin says it is good to mix things up.
Next, she says she would never make her husband feel bad if he isn’t in the mood for sex.
Vanessa Marin, who is based out of California , says firstly, she would never make her husband Xander do all the initiating when it comes to sex ‘simply because he’s the man’
Azizeh Rezaiyan, a marriage therapist in the Silicon Valley area, says it is important to respect your partner and give them space, otherwise they will start associating sex with negative emotions.
She says: ‘It’s important to find that respect from your partner, and if they’re extending that to you, not making you feel guilty about this, don’t doubt them.
‘It’s easy to read into things, assuming your partner is cheating, or not attracted to you, but that’s not a rabbit hole worth going into.
‘Recognize that intimacy is beyond just sex, and you and your partner might already have a healthy relationship in that department.’
Moving to her third no-no, Ms Marin says she would never stay quiet about what she wants in bed out of fear of hurting her husband’s feelings.
Suzanne Degges-White, who is a licensed counselor, agrees with this.
She says being able to communicate openly about your sexual needs will help your relationship to grow.
She explains: ‘What isn’t a mystery is what the results can be if a couple gets over their hesitation to talk openly about their sexual relationship.
‘If you are able to ask for what you desire and make clear what you would like your partner to avoid, the chances of enjoying higher levels of sexual and relational satisfaction multiply exponentially.’
Communication expert Jennifer Gill Rosier and psychologist James Tyler say that discussing sex can have a wide range of outcomes.
If the conversation goes well, it could enhance a couple’s feelings of intimacy and ‘improve the communication climate.’
However, if the conversation goes south, one of both partners could end up being offended with conflict ensuing.
In one of their studies, they enrolled 40 couples in an online sexual coaching training program.
The results showed that practicing sexual communication techniques led to increased sexual and relationship satisfaction and the participants said they were less fearful about discussing intimate subjects.
Ms Degges-White suggests talking about sex outside of the times you are being intimate and finding a neutral space to discuss things.
According to most surveys, data shows that men generally initiate sex more frequently than women in relationships but Ms Marin says it is good to mix things up
She adds: ‘Give your partner advance warning.
‘Let your partner know that you’d like to make time to discuss your sexual relationship and make sure you both are okay with whatever time is chosen.
‘There’s a lot of self-doubt that can bubble up when a partner wants to have a discussion about any relationship issue, but when it’s about sexual performance, it can leave a person feeling especially vulnerable.
‘Share that it’s about making things “even better,” and don’t stress that it’s about “what’s missing.”
‘Don’t complain about being “unsatisfied,” but share your desire to enjoy “even more satisfying” sex than you’ve been having.’
Lastly, Ms Marin says if her husband has performance issues she would never make it about her by ‘crying’ or ‘pouting’.
She also wouldn’t accuse her husband of not being attracted to her.
Experts say accusing your partner of not being attracted to you and making them feel guilty will just distance them further.
Sara Makin, a licensed professional therapist from Pittsburgh told Psych Central repeated false accusations can come across as controlling behavior, which can create a feeling of resentment.
She explained: ‘The accused person has to plead their case to their partner’s satisfaction, or ignore the issue which will only further distance them.’
In time, your partner might start to detach themselves emotionally from you and the relationship Ms Malkin warns, ‘in an attempt to avoid feeling inadequate and like the bad guy.’
The therapist adds in her caption: ‘If you feel like I mentioned something that you or your partner currently struggle with, please remember to show yourself kindness – these things are challenging.
‘For [my husband] and me, it’s taken us many years to figure out what a supportive, compassionate, and accountable relationship looks like for us.
‘Remember, you are a team, and you can work together to create a relationship that feels even more supportive and compassionate.
‘Be sure to discuss new boundaries and expectations with your partner in a patient, respectful, and intentional way, and go slow! Don’t expect transformative change overnight.’
