BEL MOONEY: Can I ever forgive my daughter’s cruelty at Christmas?

Dear Bel,

I read ‘Janice’s’ letter and your reply (November 23) with tears streaming down my cheeks. My husband and I were in a very similar situation for 15 years after our daughter refused to be in any room with our son, who was an alcoholic.

We tried desperately to support him, by providing a roof over his head, attending AA meetings, hospital visits when he was admitted with seizures and walking by his side to try to keep him sober – all to no avail.

Our daughter and her husband had a child and she insisted that if we had our son with us on Christmas Day, she wouldn’t come. Therefore we wouldn’t see our grandson. So our son always came for breakfast, then went off ‘for lunch with friends’. In 2018, he died at 44, due to his lifestyle.

At his funeral it came to light he had never had a Christmas lunch with friends, but spent every Christmas Day, on his own, shut up in his flat and, most probably drunk, feeling totally unloved. More than 100 people attended his funeral: he obviously did not realise he was loved.

I feel so angry that my daughter used our grandson as a bartering tool, and so guilty that I allowed her to deprive our son of a family Christmas. We are still very close to our grandson, who acknowledges that he was unaware that he was ‘used’ so that our daughter could get her own way.

Six years on from our son’s death, I still weep that I let him down when he needed us most. Especially at this time of year, I wish I could turn the clock back and be there for him. I will never forgive myself. Families are irreplaceable.

I hope your reader Janice can get her family to forgive and forget past upsets, before it is too late and they have to live with regrets, as I do. I suppose the underlying question here is whether forgiveness is possible – or is it just a word?

Petra

The letter you’re referring to was about an old quarrel between adult siblings, hurtful texts sent – and a poor mother caught in the crossfire, wondering who to ‘choose’ for Christmas.

I wonder what happened in the end? Perhaps she’ll write and tell me… Anyway, you know exactly how the unhappiest of endings plays out, don’t you? With guilt, grief and regrets.

For very good reasons you listened to your daughter, made a compromise by having your alcoholic son visit for a Christmas breakfast, and believed him when he told you he was going to have lunch with friends. Instead, he spent the day alone.

It’s a very sad story. But honestly, I must step in front of you with a warning sign right now, because I believe your anger with your daughter and the conversations with a now-grown grandson are all wrong.

You are prepared to think the very worst of your daughter for saying she and her husband wouldn’t join you for Christmas with their small child if her addict brother was present. But there will be mothers reading this who will think it perfectly understandable.

Maybe your daughter felt unappreciated as she witnessed the hell her brother put you through over years and flatly refused to expose her child to the potentially erratic behaviour of a drunk.

I’m inclined to reject your ‘spin’ that the little boy was ‘used as a bartering tool’, because that implies a high degree of manipulation, whereas surely she was just acting spontaneously, according to a mother’s protective instinct?

You wish you ‘could turn the clock back and be there for him.’ But you were – all the time, as you make very clear. After he left your Christmas morning, you now assume it’s your daughter’s fault he was lonely. But if 100 people turned up to his funeral, then surely he had choices whether to drink alone or join friends? You did not ‘let him down’. You did not ‘deprive him of a family Christmas’.

Your son made his choices, slipped into addiction – and I honestly don’t see why his sister should be blamed for not wishing to witness the car-crash of his life.

You have one grandchild and it was right that you had ‘family Christmas’ with him. Now you must stop this pointless dwelling on the past and focus on the future years when you will watch his life develop – and maybe even become great-grandparents one day.

There is nothing to ‘forgive yourself’ for; you have to accept what was, in order to progress to what will be. We all have regrets and it isn’t always possible to stop mourning bad things in the past.

But you can look in the mirror and tell yourself: ‘You did your best.’ And extending such understanding and clemency to fellow human beings is what forgiveness is all about.

Why can’t my wife resist having affairs at work? 

Dear Bel,

We have been happily married for over 25 years, have three children and are a happy couple. In spite of this I had discovered my wife has had three (to my proven knowledge) separate affairs in three different jobs. She’s an attractive woman and for some reason can’t resist men’s attention at work.

I discovered texts which disclosed one affair and at another job where she got serious with her boss who could have been dismissed, had I made a complaint. All my suspicions were correct; I had the evidence. She acted very differently during these affairs in spite of trying to be normal; the more she tried to hide her affairs, the more obvious they became.

Why can’t she work alongside men without things going further?

Alexander

It’s a very interesting final question and so the most obvious thing would be to ask her – before a new year sees your allegedly happy marriage in stormy waters.

I don’t wish to doubt you, but twice you mention happiness – then go on to list three affairs which you discovered by sleuthing. I’m afraid I don’t see that as a recipe for contentment.

That ‘why?’ concerning her behaviour interests me as a woman who once (when I was a lot younger!) also suffered from a weakness called ‘compulsive flirtation.’ (Shall we make it a so-called ‘mental health issue’?)

Just as people want to climb mountains because the challenge is there, so it was irresistible to play around with mutual attraction in work, flattered by attention. Of course it’s not wise – but for some of us, men and women alike, it’s doing what comes naturally. But the ‘weakness’ I describe can become potentially destructive if carried into a physical affair.

You sound proud of your wife’s good looks, yet make no mention of how your knowledge of her affairs has affected you mentally and emotionally. In fact, you sound almost remote. I’d like to know why – and think you need to ask some searching questions.

Did you always think yourself inferior to her? Did you put up with your discoveries because you were terrified of losing her?

Did you ever tell her how she had hurt you? Did you have proper conversations about what might be missing in the marriage? Did you warn her that all this could end in tears?

If you love her and want to stay together, you need to start talking.

My grown up girl won’t make any time for me 

Dear Bel

My daughter left London in 2012 for university and I can count on one hand the amount of times she’s been back. When I suggest a visit, she comes up with every manner of excuses.

All summer she indicated that she’d spend Christmas with me. Just before, I called her to confirm – but she said she had ‘a lot going on’ and she would not be coming. Naturally I was upset. When she needs something I’ll put myself out to help, but it doesn’t work the other way.

She’s 35 and she has been behaving like this for over 12 years. Now I’m annoyed and feel like severing ties.

I’m just an afterthought. On the phone I called her selfish and she hung up. I feel she doesn’t want to be bothered with me. How do I handle this?

Anna

Anybody can see why you feel hurt and angry.

Your daughter has behaved with no consideration for your feelings. It makes me wonder what your relationship was like before she went away to university – because if you were not close (and here you have to be honest with yourself) that simple fact might provide some sort of explanation.

What, I wonder, would your daughter say if she were to write in? So many families have hidden histories of coldness and resentment, the reasons for which only they can approach. That is, if they’re willing to be honest, which is rare. All I can say is that it would be a mistake to ‘sever ties’ so quickly. In a few weeks’ time you may simmer down and be open with her about how hurt you are. Calling her ‘selfish’ on the phone is pointless – as you saw.

If I were you, I’d text or email to say you’re sorry you said it (even though you’re not) and suggest you talk on the phone.

Then – hear this – the way forward is never to accuse but to reveal. So you don’t yell, ‘You’re selfish!’ you ask quietly, ‘Can you see I’d been looking forward so much to seeing you?’ Then follow with a question about how she spent Christmas.