Man finds ‘world’s naughtiest’ candy as Daily Star prowls packets for cheekier
EXCLUSIVE: After a Tesco shopper found a Fruit Pastille that looked like something you’d see in your dad’s copy of Loaded magazine, the Daily Star launched a racy investigation
Sweets – they come in all shapes and sizes. Bear-shaped. Heart-shaped. Werther’s Original-shaped. But X-rated? That’d be a real find indeed.
For this reason, one of our readers couldn’t believe his luck when he discovered his pack of Fruit Pastilles contained an eye-popping offering. One of the bits of confectionary he unearthed appeared to be a pair of breasts.
The saucy sweet was bought at Tesco Superstore in Lewisham, south-east London, on Wednesday, March 5, afternoon.
“I couldn’t believe my eyes when I opened the pack,” said the stunned shopper, who has chosen to remain anonymous. “I’ve seen a few juicy pairs in my time, but this was really something else. It certainly brightened up an otherwise quiet Wednesday afternoon, that’s for sure.”
Amused and intrigued by the man’s finding, the Daily Star embarked on its own quest to find something that was just as racy. Off to Canary Wharf Tesco Metro we went, returning with a sack full of Britain’s best known sweet brands.
“Oh, we’ll have a look – course we’ll have a look,” said one writer as he emptied out the massed ranks of sugary delights onto his colleague’s desks. Unfortunately, despite initial enthusiasm, there was nothing racy found in even the murkiest, most guttural depths of a Haribo packet.
Starbursts
The fact these arrived in uniformed, rectangular packaging immediately threw cold water over our longing for lewd candy. Nothing going on here, officer, as you were.
Haribo’s Buzzing Bees
For us, Buzzing Bees were a previously uncharted offshoot of the Haribo dynasty. Were they nice? More importantly, could a gelatine bee come up trumps in our search for filth? If you think hard about a bee’s pollination process, it’s pretty explicit. If you think about it. If you really think about it.
Luckily – as Haribo is primarily marketed at kids – there was nothing discriminatory inside the packet.
Wine Gums
Our hopes were raised temporarily by the discovery of a phallic “snake” Wine Gum, but even this lacked the X-Factor of the breast-shaped Fruit Pastille. “Needs deformity, these are far too uniformed,” said one onlooker.
Fruit Pastilles
For obvious reasons we needed to check a packet of Fruit Pastilles for anything indecent. But once again we were left high and dry.
Even placing the sweets on the table and arranging them to look like an appendage didn’t bring half the excitement the Lewisham shopper must have experienced.
Rowntree’s Berry Hearts
These were all heart-shaped, which brought us great hope. Heart, the symbol of love. Love – romance! Romance – filth?
However, we were let down again. These were just normal, boring hearts. Safe, vanilla, middle-England hearts.
Candy Kittens
Candy Kittens. Jamie Lang’s own brand of sweet. A man who made a career on Made In Chelsea by being the raunchy, winking dandy who would sweep love interests off their feet. Could his cheekiness make its way into his sweets?
Sadly, it could not. Just normal kitten-shaped confectionery.
Skittles
Sadly, nothing fruity here, except for the flavours. Put out once more. Back to reality.
With our independent inquiry at an end, we were forced to acknowledge how incredible the Lewisham shopper’s find was. A rare and sensational revelation – something to brighten spirits in this ever-darkening global landscape.
