I’m paralysed on the considered asking for a pay rise. Will I be fired for it? VICKY REYNAL replies

I’m really unhappy with my salary. I’m still earning the same amount as when I started at the firm six years ago. 

But I’m paralysed at the thought of asking for more money, despite knowing all my colleagues get more than me. How can I find the courage to speak up? 

D.W., via email

Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal replies: It’s important to unpack the fear that’s holding you back. While most people feel some trepidation – or even anxiety – at the thought of walking into their boss’s office to ask for a pay rise, they can usually bring themselves to do it. In your case, we need to understand what has made these feelings paralysing.

Try to get curious about what it is in your current workplace that might be triggering this fear. I’ve worked with clients who were so afraid of stirring up envy in others that they consistently kept themselves ‘small’. 

Perhaps you’re doing something similar with money – earning less to avoid dealing with people’s envy.

Or maybe it’s this particular boss who feels especially intimidating. Do they remind you of someone?

A shaming teacher from your past? A strict or passive – aggressive parent? What about your history of rejection? Not just around money – think more broadly about your experiences of being told ‘no’. 

Most people feel some trepidation – or even anxiety – at the thought of walking into their boss’s office to ask for a pay rise, writes VICKY REYNAL

This isn’t only about past pay rise conversations. Maybe your childhood was full of moments when your requests were dismissed: parents who never had time to look at your latest construction or drawing, who refused to buy you the football cards you wanted, or who sent you away when you offered to help them with something.

Experiences like these can leave a lasting imprint – the sense that asking for things is futile or even risky because you so often didn’t get what you wanted.

I’ve sat with many clients who struggle to ask for more because they still hear an internal voice saying, ‘When you ask, you don’t get, or ‘You’re so needy’, or ‘You’re just plain greedy’.

They imagine the conversation about a rise as a minefield where they might disturb or upset someone, only to end up feeling worse about themselves if it’s refused. Some even fear being punished or

fired – just for asking. If any of this resonates, I’d invite you to step back from these fears and gently ask yourself: How likely is this, really?

In your current workplace, is it your experience that people say ‘no’ and humiliate you? Or do these fears belong to your past?

Try to focus on your recent achievements and reconnect with the value you bring to your role.

One of my clients keeps a folder in their inbox with emails of praise. Before walking into a crucial big meeting where she might have been asking for more money, she reread those messages to remind her of her impact and contributions. 

Of course, the deepest validation comes from within – but sometimes a reminder that others have recognised your work can give you the boost you need to step into that room with confidence.

And if they say no?

First, consider the meaning you attach to that answer. You have a choice: Do you let it diminish the good work you’ve done or your worth as a person? Or can you hold on to the truth of your value, regardless of their decision?

Second, you can choose how to respond. You’re no longer the child who had to swallow hurt feelings and tell yourself, ‘I’m not good enough.’

You’re an adult who can recognise your worth and voice your feelings. You might say you’re disappointed because you believe your request was fair, based on your contributions.

You could ask for feedback, or for clarity about what criteria might lead to a pay increase.

• Do you have a question for Vicky? Email Vicky.reynal@dailymail.co.uk