Maddest stuff we heard throughout lockdown soccer – potty mouth, fuming managers and a canine

Lockdown football produced the bad, the worse and the ugly, then again at least we got to hear the outrageous things some footballers say when they’re on the pitch and managers’ shouts from the dugout

Ah lockdown football, may you forever remain in the past.

It was horrible wasn’t it? A fever dream – or rather nightmare – that saw BT Sports try and swindle us for £14.95 to watch Sheffield United versus Fulham on box office.

The more you look back, the more you remember of that weird eerie world where you couldn’t go within two metres of family members.

There was Bruno Fernandes scoring a penalty after full-time, Liverpool shipping seven to Aston Villa and Alisson Becker’s wild winner at West Brom – there was also Ty’s legendary Neal Maupay tantrum on Arsenal Fan TV, one to seek out if you’ve never seen it.

However, there was some good too – hearing footballers’ every word on the pitch was a real highlight. That was before someone had the bright idea to pump fake crowd noise into stadiums – so here’s the gems we overheard.

Rob Holding vs Adama Traore

This one sticks in the memory more than most, as, let’s be honest, we’ve all shouted this while slightly hungover playing Sunday league.

Adama Traore, then of Wolves, was up against Arsenal’s Rob Holding when the musclebound winger hit the deck. Holding sprung around and blasted at the referee: “He’s built like a brick s********, how’s he gone down like that?”

It was beautiful, and set the tone for the whole behind-closed-doors concept, which allowed us fans to hear little moments like this.

Frank Lampard and Jurgen Klopp clash

Liverpool and Everton always produce a spectacle – and without fans to trade insults with Anfield behind closed doors, it was all down to the two managers.

Then Toffees boss Frank Lampard was less than impressed with a foul by Reds defender Trent Alexander-Arnold and while pointing at Jurgen Klopp’s assistant manager Pep Lijnders, Lampard said: “It’s not a f****** foul, I’m not asking you.’”

A loud ‘hey’ was heard as Lampard replied with “f*** off, you, as well” to someone from the Liverpool coaching staff.

And the argument ended when the Chelsea manager bellowed: “Only title you’ve ever won and you’re f****** giving it the big un, f *** off!”

Arsenal all mic’d up

If you ever feel nostalgic for lockdown football, I beg you, go and watch Arsenal’s “open mic” YouTube video from the north London derby.

It almost feels post apocalyptic: the stadium announcer reading out the team sheets to empty stands, the sounds of camera shutters, the echo around the stadium.

Kieran Tierney is the man that’s got the microphone – it is fascinating in a way, gaining an insight into what is said on the pitch. That’s until Tierney tells his team-mates “we need to start scoring our chances”. Wise advice.

Jordan Henderson’s potty mouth

“We’ve got to adapt to that situation and try to keep the swearing down to a minimum. I’m more worried about my language when I’m playing,” Henderson joked before football returned.

“I don’t want to have to apologise to everybody after every single match, so I need to be careful, especially in the heat of the game.

“I’m sure the manager will have to be careful with his language as well. But he’ll also know we can’t blame the crowd for not being able to hear what he’s saying at certain times.”

Swearing was prevalent at time there were numerous suggestions football has a profanity problem – one cheeky fan even clipped up Marcus Rashford’s potty mouth and posted it on YouTube.

Bundesliga’s self-isolating manager

OK, we are cheating a little with this one – but you can hear what he says.

Steffen Baumgart was unable to take charge of Cologne due to a positive Covid-19 test, but he was every bit as animated just watching their game with his family, and his dog, at home.

He bounced up and down, screamed down the phone, then at the TV, then the phone again – all while his dog watched on.

The video was shared by Match of the Day presenter Gary Lineker who commented: “The dog is like the fourth official trying to calm him down.”