FLOURISHING AFTER 50: My kids are preventing over my will although I’m nonetheless alive. How can I cease them?
Dear Vanessa,
I’m in my early 70s, in good health and still enjoying life, but my two adult children have already started lobbying me about my will.
They never say it outright, but at different times, they each make their case for why they should get a bigger share.
My daughter, 45, has three kids, a mortgage, and a lower income. She always tells me how hard it is raising a family and how an inheritance could really help her.
My son, 42, is financially comfortable, doesn’t have children, and thinks everything should be split evenly. He says he’s worked hard for what he has and shouldn’t be ‘penalised’ just because his sister has different financial priorities. He also believes she has a history of bad financial decisions and worries that she’ll ‘waste’ whatever she gets.
My husband passed away five years ago, and I own my home and an investment property.
I want to enjoy my later years without this tension hanging over me. How do I handle this? I don’t want my money to tear my family apart.
Jan.
Leading money educator Vanessa Stoykov
Dear Jan,
Inheritance disputes don’t always happen in the open, but the pressure can be just as stressful. It sounds like your children aren’t arguing with each other – they’re both lobbying you, hoping to quietly influence your decision. The problem is that this creates guilt, resentment, and an unnecessary burden on you.
Your son and daughter have very different views on fairness. Your daughter sees an inheritance as a safety net, while your son sees it as a reward, not an entitlement. The only way to stop this from escalating further is to get ahead of it now before it turns into a full-blown family conflict.
The biggest mistake you can make is avoiding the conversation. Many parents put off talking about inheritance because they fear conflict, but silence often makes things worse. Instead, set the record straight once and for all.
Call a family meeting and be clear. If you believe in an equal split, tell them now. If you plan to leave more to your daughter due to her financial situation, explain your reasoning – but make it clear this is not up for negotiation. If your son is worried about money being mismanaged, there are structured ways to distribute an inheritance rather than giving lump sums.
Whatever you decide, it is your decision, not theirs. Setting expectations now will prevent nasty surprises and possible legal fights later.
Make It Legally Airtight
Your will needs to be more than just a document – it needs to stand up to scrutiny. Work with an estate planning expert, not just a general lawyer, to ensure your wishes are legally enforceable.
If your son is concerned about your daughter mismanaging money, you could consider a testamentary trust. This type of trust, which is set up through your will, allows the inheritance to be managed by a trustee rather than handed over as a lump sum. You could specify that funds be used for your grandchildren’s education or your daughter’s mortgage, ensuring the money benefits her family without being wasted.
A no-contest clause is another option – it states that if someone challenges the will, they risk losing their inheritance altogether.
Your Money, Your Life
You have worked hard for what you have, and you deserve to enjoy it without guilt. If your children continue to push their case, remind them that fighting over an inheritance while you’re still alive is the fastest way to make you rethink what they get.
If you’re struggling with how to navigate this, my book The Five Conversations About Money to Radically Change Your Life covers exactly these kinds of discussions, and how to make sure your money decisions reflect your values.
If you need professional guidance, I have a free matching service that connects people with the right financial adviser for their needs. You can check it out here.
At the end of the day, your legacy should be about more than just money – it should be about the love, values, and respect you leave behind. The sooner you set boundaries, the sooner you can enjoy your retirement without this weight on your shoulders.
All the best,
Vanessa.
