I’m an American mom residing in London – these are the issues that I hate about British dad and mom on the college gates
An American mother living in the UK has revealed the things she hates about what she described as British ‘school-gate culture’.
Sarah Harman, whose 2025 novel is titled All the Other Mothers Hate Me, spoke to the Times about how the school drop off in her native States differs from in the UK.
According to the writer, she was ‘baffled’ when she discovered how involved the process of taking your children to school is when she moved to west London.
In the US, she explained, ‘school drop-off and pick-up is generally done in your car, drive-through style’.
However, at her offsprings’ school in the nation’s capital, there is far more face-to-face interaction with the other women ‘who happened to get pregnant in the same year as you’.
According to Sarah, now she is going through the process with her second child, she feels she has ‘cracked the west London code’.
In fact, she found the ‘daily microdramas, status jockeying and parental scheming’ so unexpected that they inspired All the Other Mothers Hate Me, her debut novel.
Sharing her hints about surviving school gate politics, Sarah warned that not only will there be a class WhatsApp group, but that parents will be expected to join it.
Author Sarah Harman has shared her top tips when it comes to surviving school gate culture in the UK
The only way to ‘win’ this battle is to mute it and never post. She added that only Gemma, the PTA president, may post in the class group to kindly remind everyone about important information – like it being Odd Sock Day.
Should parents have any questions, they would be well advised to send Gemma a private message instead of a group blast if you have just forgotten if the kids are supposed to wear PE gear today.
Sarah shared an additional warning, noting that if you use the conversation to advertise your new side job (for example, as a reiki healer), you will become even more of a social outcast.
But there is an even bigger sin when it comes to how parents use the WhatsApp group: those who insist on wishing their children a happy birthday, thus forcing all other members to add their well wishes, ‘despite the fact that little Caspian is six and doesn’t have a phone’.
Don’t, Sarah warned, be the person who does that.
A key part of school gate parenting is uniform – not the children’s though, the mothers’.
As Sarah points out, the fathers can wear whatever they want, and not only will no one notice, no one will care.
Footwear is particularly important when it comes to the mothers, as they will be arriving on foot.
Originally from the US, Sarah (pictured) was so inspired by how different the culture is when it comes to dropping your children off at school, that she wrote a novel about it
Luckily, Sarah said, trainers are acceptable – ‘even those Veja ones everyone else stopped wearing years ago’.
Those who want to be more fashionable should ‘try to rummage up something from the Adidas x Wales Bonner collab, or a pair of hideous clogs that inexplicably retail for £250’.
The really posh mothers will usually be decked out in mud-covered wellies, this is especially the case for those who have spent a weekend in the countryside.
Shoes are not the only accessory to be mindful of as a school gate mother, advises Sarah.
Another thing to worry about is your handbag. Small designer handbags are out, and in their place are totes, ‘preferably one from a highbrow literary publication you don’t have time to read any more or an obscure bakery in deepest E8 you’ve never actually visited’.
When it comes to conversation, there are a number of acceptable school gate topics, Sarah says.
These include things like the weather, home renovations, and upcoming holidays.
Topics to be avoided include tutoring, which secondary school you’d like to get your child into, and exam results.
In a major difference from the US – where bragging about your child’s ability is common – in the UK, you ‘must always maintain that your child is a hapless idiot’.
As a American, Sarah admits she finds the indirect conversational quirks of the Brits baffling, pointing out that English people are governed by social norms forbidding them from being direct and saying what they mean.
An example she gives is that an English mother suggesting you and her should get your children together for a playdate soon does not actually mean you should organise a playdate soon.
Rather, it means that she doesn’t proactively loathe you, and is looking for a bland comment to end the conversation.
Another observation Sarah has made about school gate parents regards their pets.
Noting that even multimillion-pound properties in her west London area only have tiny gardens, everyone is ‘egally required to own a dog’.
Unfortunately, she notes, the only exercise these poor pooches often get is the school run.
Her observations on the breeds people tend to have range from incontinent Jack Russell terriers (for those who own country estates) and Great Danes (for those who love the attention.
The novel All The Other Mothers Hate Me, written by Sarah Harman, who is from the US but now lives in west London, is available now
Sarah’s final piece of advice when it comes to acing the school gates is how to handle children’s parties.
Those who gave birth during the Summer are in luck, as everyone is holidaying.
However, for everyone else, fairness means the entire class must be invited to the ‘do. When it comes to location, your house is a no-go (as you’re likely pretending to be undergoing renovations).
Otherwise, it’s prudent to spend a small fortune on a venue, spend several hours longer than you’d like celebrating the event, and, of course, ‘give everyone in attendance a migraine’.
All The Other Mothers Hate Me by Sarah Harman is available now.
