Relationship professional reveals precisely when the ‘parallel lure’ turns into a significant drawback

Once you’re over the honeymoon phase in a relationship, the hope is that you can settle into comfortable, domestic bliss – whether you live with your partner or not. 

This can look like sharing comfortable silences, being able to be in each other’s space while still doing your own thing, and of course having lives outside of each other that feed the other parts of yourself that a romantic relationship cannot do alone. 

This is known as ‘parallel play,’ something relationship expert Dr. Channa Bromley says typically only couples with a strong foundation can achieve.

‘When both people are emotionally attuned, secure, and intentionally choose to coexist in calm, disconnected moments without it meaning anything is wrong,’ Dr. Bromley said. 

‘It shows you trust each other’s presence without constantly performing for it. You don’t need constant closeness to feel connected. That’s the ideal.’

But there’s a line between being comfortable without constant closeness and eventually not feeling close to your partner at all. 

Dr. Bromley said that when parallel play becomes permanent, that’s when it becomes a major issue in the relationship. 

‘When you’re no longer choosing separation and you’re just living in it,’ is when it can mean your relationship is at stake, she explained. 

Relationship expert Dr. Channa Bromley said that that parallel play isn’t inherently a bad thing – unless it becomes permanent

When you stop having eye contact, flirting with each other, sharing curiosity, or giving each other meaningful notifications – it may mean your relationship is sending out an SOS. 

‘The biggest sign? You stop missing each other,’ Dr. Bromley said. 

She explained that this when the ‘parallel play’ is actually just a flatline.

And this isn’t just reserved for couples who are living together.

‘If the updates you share are surface-level, if you’re no longer emotionally impacting each other, if they stop being the first person you want to call when something hits, then you’re already in [the parallel trap].’

But this doesn’t mean you should start mourning your relationship already.

The parallel trap doesn’t necessarily mean your relationship is over ‘but something has to break,’ Dr. Bromley said.  

‘Complacency is more of a relationship killer than conflict.

Dr. Bromley said if you stop flirting with each other, having eye contact, or sharing little moments, you might be in the ‘parallel trap’ (stock image)

‘Staying in the parallel trap long term will strip you of your desire, your excitement, and eventually, your identity inside the relationship.’

They to getting out of it? Unpredictability. 

Dr. Bromley explained that you need to do things to disrupt the monotony. 

You can do this by asking real questions and stirring the energy.  

‘The energy that reminds you this isn’t just a companion – this is someone who still has the power to emotionally move you,’ she said. 

You should definitely have your own life outside of your partner and your relationship, but you want to make sure your lives are entirely two separate entities with no connection to each other.

‘A healthy relationship lets you have your own world, but you still invite each other into it,’ Dr. Bromley said. 

‘If your independence is a wall instead of a bridge, you’re not in love.’