Brits going through conscription reel off ‘snowflake’ excuses however admit WW3 grub is tempting

EXCLUSIVE: After retired Sergeant Matthew Baldwin said Gen Z would be rubbish in the army, the Daily Star asked their Millennial peers to see if they’d fare any better in the trenches…

Millennials tasked with conscription in a potential World War III scenario have admitted they wouldn’t be too keen on trench-life, but would join for one interesting reason.

It comes after a former decorated tank commander slammed the Millennials’ younger, cooler, counterparts, the Gen Zers. Speaking last week, retired Sergeant Matthew Baldwin said the UK’s military would become a “worldwide laughing stock” if it was filled with “pampered” conscripts.

“The snowflake generation wouldn’t just struggle in the cold, it would melt away,” quipped Baldwin, seemingly unaware his otherwise watertight analogy would crumble if any of the “fighting” took place in sunny climes.

But Baldwin continued, undeterred: “The idea of conscripts, who are more familiar with TikTok than tactics, trying to form a credible military force would make us a target for ridicule. Any potential adversary would see a weakened, unprepared force, and that perception alone could embolden them.”

Although Baldwin was mainly aiming his vitriol at “Gen Z” (people aged 1997 and 2012), it would follow the next rung down on his own personal Dante’s circle hell series would be Millennials.

Tasked with trying to disprove Baldwin’s contempt for the younger folk, the Daily Star posted on several group chats made up of friends roughly aged between 26 and 31, with the question: “Would you be any good at war?”

What we were met with was an unapologetically resolute answer of “no, we wouldn’t”. Well – perhaps you were right Baldwin, we really might be screwed if we went to war.

The answers below have been kept anonymous, in order to shield their owners from derision and the anger of a former tank commander.

“I’m not sure I could kill anyone to be fair,” said one person. “My therapist laughed at me as I’m trying to complete red dead with the least amount of murder possible.” We thought this was actually quite sweet, but obviously lacked the mindset required in the trenches.

“I am a big ol pacifist so would refuse to participate but could see me taking some hella aesthetic war photos for the gram,” said someone else, highlighting the serious need for some decent camera operators in a possible forthcoming World War III situation.

“With my skin, if I touched any trench water I would immediately get sepsis and die,” another chimed, making a bid for a war-role behind a desk.

Luckily, there were some Millennials who could see some sort of place for them on the frontlines. “I fancy myself as more of a post nuclear war scallywag. Part of some mad max type squad drinking lighter fluid and putting nails in wood,” said one person, who incidentally watched Dune II in cinemas a grand total of four times last year.

“I’d join for the tinned food,” said another, misunderstanding the concept of rationing. Finally, an anonymous Millennial harked back to their youth and the importance of having an outdoor education drilled into you at Scouts.

“My time at Scouts and Guides would come in handy,” they said. “And my one day ‘first aid at work’ training. Knots and recovery position, that’s all you need right?”

You hear that Putin? We’ve got knots and recovery positions.