‘Kevin De Bruyne is just not the Premier League’s GOAT midfielder – no less than 4 are higher’
Kevin De Bruyne’s leaving Manchester City in the summer, but that doesn’t mean we have to stoop to Jose-Mourinho-after-a-defeat levels of delusion by crowning him the greatest midfielder in Premier League history.
Sure, he’s a better passer than Pep Guardiola is a forehead-scratcher, but he’s slower than a sloth on sedatives and has spent more time in David Silva’s shadow than Kyle Walker has dodging paternity tests.
I’m not saying he isn’t up there, but chucking him above Steven Gerrard, Frank Lampard, Patrick Vieira and Roy Keane is a bigger premature punt than the one Manchester United took when they spaffed £72million up the wall on Rasmus Hojlund after he scored (*checks notes*) nine league goals for Atalanta.
He tracks back like Trent Alexander-Arnold tackles – i.e. never – and he doesn’t score enough goals for someone who spends more time in and around boxes than a gynaecologist with a corporate season ticket!
Recency bias is a hell of a drug, lads. The only GOAT thing about KDB is that scruffy beard of his.
VA-arse
I’m sick of VAR more than TNT Sports viewers are sick of Steve McManaman droning on like a malfunctioning bagpipe. Take Chelsea’s 1-0 win over Tottenham last week – it took 12 actual human minutes to disallow two goals that a blindfolded chimp could’ve sorted in 30 seconds.
“Clear and obvious errors,” they promised us. Instead, we’ve got refs squinting at screens like they’re deciphering alien hieroglyphs, or Wayne Rooney trying to pronounce a three-syllable word.
(Image: Getty Images)
VAR was supposed to be a swift justice-dealer, not the footballing embodiment of the word ‘buffering’. Now it’s just a bunch of overly-cautious, bunker-dwelling cretins fretting over whether a fart counts as interference.
Bring back human error, I say! I’d rather fast, filthy chaos than this sanitised, mind-numbingly boring dross, the kind I assume Gareth Southgate’s England team talks were chock-full of.
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The only thing clear and obvious is that VAR’s a colossal balls-up, the sort of colossal balls-up that Chelsea make every time they sign a goalkeeper.
He’s Post the plot!
Ange Postecoglou’s a lot like Kermit the Frog with a stubbed toe – he’s a grumpy muppet with a rod jammed up his…!
Spurs fans might have given him stick for subbing on Pape Sarr against Chelsea – but him cupping his ears at them after the lad leathered one in from 25 yards was petty behaviour on a Jude-Bellingham-yelling-at-the-linesman scale.
(Image: Getty Images)
His ego’s obviously flimsier than Micky van de Ven’s hamstrings if he can’t handle a little scrutiny when his £500m team are four places above the drop zone in April.
Then, the cheeky sod had the audacity to lie about it. “I just wanted to hear them cheer”. Sure, Ange, and Timo Werner’s winning the Ballon d’Or next year.
You’re more Peppa Pig than Pep at the moment, mate, so maybe focus on scoring points in the league rather than scoring points over your own fans, eh?
