I labored at a theme park for 3 years – my 5 warnings for UK Universal Studios employees

There’s no workplace quite like a theme park, as future employees of Universal Studios will find out in *checks notes* six years’ time.

After what feels like years of speculation, the massive Hollywood brand will open its first mega UK attraction in 2031 after ministers gave the multi million pound project the green light. Some 476 acres of land in Bedfordshire has already been sorted for construction of rollercoasters, theatres and goodness knows what else expected to rake in £50 billion for the UK economy.

So as someone who funded their Students Union nights out working at Thorpe Park for three years, I thought the good people of Bedfordshire could do with some nuggets of wisdom and words of warning. One must wonder with the new kid on the block, whether the Surrey-based destination of more than 25 rides will still lay claim to the strapline of the ‘UK’s most thrilling theme park’.

Joining the rides team in 2013 I was thrust onto the frontline facing the Great British public, celebrities and tourists – all of whom had a agonising tendency to leave their common sense at the admission gates. The best thing about the job had to be ‘testing’ out certain rides in the morning which if I wasn’t awake before, I most certainly was after. But read on, dear reader for five worst things about working somewhere where adrenaline is currency.

Buckle up

Health and safety, folks. That is the name of the game. I can’t think of many other minimum wage jobs where the small matter of life and death comes into play. Until I reached the dizzying heights of operating rides Vortex and Rush, strapping guests was what I spent the majority of shifts doing. Simple, right? Sure, until you have to tell someone they’re too large to be safely secured on a ride they’ve spent the past two hours queueing for. Delicately explaining – in front of dozens of onlookers – to guests that the seatbelt / chest brace simply could not contain them, never got any easier. And it was frequent too. It won’t surprise any Thorpe Park fan to hear Colossus was the worst for it given it’s squashed car size. I much preferred someone kicking up a fuss at the embarrassing news than watching sadness wash over their faces. I challenge anyone not to feel guilty. The best case scenario was women responding to the bad news on Swarm by laughing about their breasts being too big.

Cleaning vomit

Get ready to clean up sick for the first, second and 41st time. You’d be shocked at just how often people vomit after being thrown, swung and throttled about. It’s not just sick I was tasked to mop up from seats or the ground below rides, either. Urine and even period blood was left behind on a seat of Swarm.

The technique may not be quite what you expect. Long before face masks hit the mainstream with coronavirus, I donned them along with science class-like goggles and gloves to tackle the puke. Why such extreme measures? I hear you ask. Well the powdery chemical substance is so effective because it sucks out all moisture until it’s absorbed as a solid. I didn’t fancy inhaling that. Then, out comes the dust pan and brush to sweep it up and a anti-bac cloth to wipe up any remnants.

Obviously this causes added waiting times for long-suffering thrill-seekers who then pose the inevitable resistance to sitting on said dirtied seat. My response was always the same, “you’ve now got the cleanest seat on the ride”.

Theme music

After two years on the ground working on the likes of Swarm, Colossus and Rush to name but a few, I transferred to the entertainments team where I suddenly I hosted the (no longer) I’m A Celeb maze. If I thought fast and furious ride jingles from the fast to the furious were painful enough to listen to for hours on end, I got a rude awakening playing Ant and Dec in the jungle.

You know the unmistakable I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here song. “Bom-chicka-wahhh” It’s irritating enough for those few moments before adverts over November and December. Whether I welcomed people to the short-lived maze or waved them off at the bottom of the slide, the tune was relentless. So budding Universal Studios workers, brace yourselves to sleep with whatever song it may be, ringing around in your head like musical tinnitus.

Kids too short

Queues

After rides, the first thing that springs to mind at the mention of theme parks has to be the long waiting times. On a good, working day during school terms you’re looking at anything from zero to 45 minutes queueing for a top ride. A sunny weekend in August is a whole other story Universal Studios staff ought to prep for.

But how does this affect those working? Well aside from the disgruntled comments and questions about what’s taking so long – like a human traffic light at crossroads – I had to decide how many of each queue could proceed. When you’ve got disabled access, fast track and the long-suffering masses sweltering under the summer sun, expect ‘feedback’. I grew accustom to receiving anything from “you’ve let way more of them in” to “you’re taking the piss, mate.” Then consider dealing with queue jumpers, and asking people to stop smoking. What a delight people can be!