Happiness skilled reveals the key to an extended and blissful marriage… and no, it is not an energetic intercourse life

Have you ever wondered the secret to a long-lasting relationship? Well, it isn’t compatibility, financial success, or a high sex drive.

Happiness expert Dr. Arthur C. Brooks is the author of the upcoming book The Happiness Files, a collection of essays from his popular ‘How to Build A Life’ column in The Atlantic.

Dr. Brooks, who teaches a course on the science of happiness at Harvard, has become known worldwide for his practical and inspiring guidance on how to live a meaningful and fulfilling life.

While there isn’t a single way to achieve happiness, the common denominator Dr. Brooks has found throughout his decades of research is happiness is often found when we’re filled with love for those around us.

More importantly, that includes finding a romantic relationship that prioritizes friendship above all else.

‘The best romantic relationships have one big thing in common: best friendship,’ Dr. Brooks told the Daily Mail.

There’s a long-held misconception that relationships can fail when there’s no longer any passion or lust. 

While a level of attraction is necessary for any couple, Dr. Brooks advised that being permanently stuck in the ‘falling in love’ phase may actually bring undue stress onto a relationship.

Rather than wanting that steamy romance, Dr. Brooks suggested couples should strive towards ‘companionate love’ instead.

‘That is what really makes people happy in committed, long-term relationships,’ he said.

However, when it comes to actually finding the partner who fits that bill, that’s a bigger challenge.

The world of dating today has become complicated by dating apps like Tinder and Hinge, where finding a one night stand is typically more common than finding a lasting connection. 

It’s impossible to get to know a potential match based on a few filtered photos and curated prompts, which is why it may be harder to spot the red flags when they arise.

Dr. Brooks warned that singles should look out for the ultimate red flag called the ‘Dark Triad’.

The Dark Triad refers to a cluster of three personality traits – narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy – first coined by psychologists Delroy L. Paulhus and Kevin M. Williams in 2002.

‘Falling in love with a Dark Triad is a miserable experience, but surprisingly common,’ Dr. Brooks said, adding that these traits make up about seven percent of the population.

‘Confident and outgoing, Dark Triads can be extremely attractive, especially to women. They show a strong preference for short-term relationships, and if they find themselves in a relationship, they tend to be unfaithful,’ he said.

When a breakup inevitably occurs with these individuals, Dr. Brooks explained that they will do everything in their power to make the split as messy as possible through ‘cost escalation, manipulation, and open confrontation.’

To avoid running into these walking red flags, there are some key signs that singles should look out for when finding a long-term partner.

Instead of focusing on compatibility – whether you listen to the same music, watch the same movies, or eat the same food – couples should aim for complementarity.

‘Often, elderly couples who have been married for decades will say that their partner ‘completes me,’ Dr. Brooks said.

‘That turns out to be literally true. For example, data shows that extroverts and introverts make great pairs, which is one aspect of complementarity. 

‘In finding a partner, you want some baseline similarities, such as a values structure – but other than that, go seek a partner who completes you.’

Once that connection has been found, however, the even bigger challenge comes with continuing to build and foster your relationship over time.

According to the happiness expert, spending quality time together is one of the surest ways to build intimacy, and increase trust and affection with one another. 

That includes going on weekly dates, meeting each other’s family, or talking about your biggest dreams and deepest fears.

Indeed, having those honest and genuine conversations about your goals and relationship expectations is one of the most important steps before deciding to spend the rest of your life together.

And while there may be room to compromise on certain issues, Dr. Brooks generally does not recommend compromising your core values for a person who believes in something entirely antithetical to your beliefs.

He also revealed the questions that are most often overlooked before marriage include discussions surrounding money, children, and religion.

When it comes to raising children together, there’s always the concern that couples may be sacrificing romance in the process.

One of the tell-tale signs a marriage will end in divorce is when a couple only have their children in common. 

In these cases, relationships may face what’s known as a ‘gray divorce’ – a split that happens when children grow up and leave the house.

‘These couples find that once they become empty nesters, they no longer know one another because their lives have revolved completely around their children and careers,’ Dr. Brooks said.

To avoid running into this trap, it’s important to make time out of your busy schedule to connect with one another – whether it’s telling each other about your day, or what filled you with joy or fear. 

That’s why Dr. Brooks emphasized that the foundation for every partnership must be friendship.

Another surprising indicator that a marriage may end in divorce, though seemingly innocuous at first, is eye-rolling.

‘Eye-rolling is a tell-tale sign of contempt, an emotion that signals to others that what they have to say is worthless – and maybe that even they themselves are worthless,’ Dr. Brooks said.

‘That’s a terrible thing to levy against another person. Whenever possible, never treat your partner with contempt.’

Ultimately, there is no perfect relationship. Every partnership comes with its own unique struggles, which can be even more compounded by the difficulties of raising children or financial stress.

But when we prioritize finding a best friend out of our romantic partner, as Dr. Brooks suggested, then that’s the true secret to a lasting and successful relationship.