My daughter is dreading seeing my creepy nephew at Christmas. But after I speak to my sister about it, all hell breaks unfastened… DEAR CAROLINE reveals the best way to tactfully keep away from troubling household encounters

Q I’m not looking forward to Christmas this year because of tensions with my sister. Her 15-year-old son – my nephew – is not a nice person. He can be unkind and insensitive, and in the past he has upset my ten-year-old daughter. I know that he has been suspended from school recently. I think it might have been because of bullying, but I’ve also wondered if it’s alcohol or drugs.

Unfortunately, my sister seems blind to his faults. Although she admits he can be difficult, she is fiercely defensive of him. My mother told me that my sister blames the school for overreacting. 

Last summer, at a family gathering, my nephew teased my daughter mercilessly when she wasn’t good at a new game. She was in tears and I stepped in to tell him off. My sister was furious and later took me aside to say it was her job to discipline her son and that my daughter is oversensitive. Her husband overheard, but merely shrugged and walked away. 

With Christmas approaching, our daughter is becoming increasingly anxious about seeing her cousin. Our elder daughter, aged 13, doesn’t like him either. My husband and I are wondering if it might be best to change plans and spend Christmas with his parents instead, and see mine another day. My mother understands but I know my sister will be furious and my father disappointed.

Our daughter is becoming increasingly anxious about seeing her cousin, writes a reader (picture posed by model) 

A This sounds like a painful situation. Your sister’s reaction and her husband’s indifference suggest that their family life is far from happy. Sadly, your nephew does sound like a troubled boy. 

I do have some sympathy for your sister, because parenting a teenager who is acting out can be overwhelming. However, she also sounds confrontational. Your mother is clearly hesitant to talk to her about the situation. Unfortunately, your sister is not helping herself by denying that her son is at fault and blaming the school or your daughter. What he needs is guidance and support, not protection from the consequences of his behaviour.  Her husband’s emotional withdrawal will only make things worse. That said, these issues are theirs to resolve. Your priority must be your own family, and particularly your younger daughter. 

Sadly, I think you are right to remove yourselves from the family gathering this year. You don’t need to tell your sister the real reason, but you could do it tactfully by saying that your husband’s parents need extra help and you will go to them. It would be a good idea for your sister to seek some advice about her son. It could inflame things if it came from you but perhaps your mother could suggest that your sister contact YoungMinds (youngminds.org.uk) or Family Lives (familylives.org.uk) for support and guidance.

WHY DOES HE KEEP BLOWING HOT AND COLD?

Q I’m in my 50s and a few months into a new relationship. We have both been married before and are cautious, but when things are good between us they feel wonderful. The problem is that he blows hot and cold. Some weeks he is affectionate, messages regularly and makes plans. Then he goes quiet for days and says he ‘needs space’. When we are together, he is warm and attentive. 

I worry that I’m setting myself up for heartache. After my divorce I promised myself that I wouldn’t tolerate emotional uncertainty again, but I really like him. Can this relationship work?

A I can understand why you feel unsettled. After the upheaval of divorce, most people crave steadiness. That ‘hot and cold’ pattern suggests someone who enjoys intimacy but becomes anxious when things start to feel serious. Given that he has been married before, he may be frightened of repeating past mistakes or losing his independence, so he retreats. 

However, although anxiety could be one interpretation, another possibility is that he could be stringing you along or even seeing someone else. So talk to him and explain the impact this inconsistency is having on you. If he is willing to meet your needs, possibly with the help of counselling, the relationship may blossom into something stable. 

But if he is unwilling to change, it might be best to end it. You have already lived through a painful ending; you don’t need to accept uncertainty as the price of companionship. A healthy relationship should feel supportive and grown-up, not like an emotional guessing game.