FLOURISHING AFTER 50: I’m the ‘default daughter’ who handles all the pieces for my ageing dad and mom. How can I get my siblings to assist share the load?

Dear Vanessa,

I’m 57 and feeling completely overwhelmed. My parents are in their late 80s. They still live in their own home and refuse to talk about anything to do with ageing, money, or future care. Every time I try to raise it, they shut it down and insist they’re ‘fine’.

The problem is they rely on me for everything. I’m the one who takes them to appointments, manages their bills, checks on them, and sorts out any issues. My siblings don’t live nearby, so the day-to-day support falls entirely on me. When they do fly in, they spend a few days doing all the lovely things – lunches out, catching up, enjoying the best moments. I barely get to enjoy my parents that way anymore because I’m constantly the one handling the practical work.

They tell me I’m overreacting and that Mum and Dad ‘aren’t that bad yet’, but that’s because they don’t see what I see. They don’t deal with the constant calls, decisions, and reminders, or the worry that something will go wrong.

What adds to the stress is that nothing is organised – not their wishes, not their financial plans, not their long-term care. I have no idea how things will be managed when they eventually need more support, and I feel like all of that responsibility will automatically fall to me too.

I work three days a week and have my own life to keep afloat, but the guilt is huge. I love my parents dearly, but I’m exhausted and resentful. How do I get my family to face what’s really happening before a crisis forces us all into action?

Appreciate your help,

Mira

Leading money educator Vanessa Stoykov

Mira, you’ve put words to an experience so many people quietly endure – being the default daughter. You’re not imagining the imbalance – it’s real, and it’s heavy. When you’re the one managing all the day-to-day needs, you don’t get the luxury of simply ‘visiting your parents.’ You’re working through every interaction, often without thanks, and it wears you down.

Your siblings’ perception of the situation is shaped by distance. They fly in, enjoy quality time, and leave thinking everything is fine. They don’t see the constant mental load you carry – the logistics, the worry, the time, and the emotional energy required to keep everything running. That invisibility is one of the hardest parts.

This situation is no longer sustainable for you, and it’s ok to acknowledge that. What your parents really need now is structure and planning – something you cannot shoulder alone. A practical first step is getting them in front of a financial adviser. Advisers can help families discuss ageing, money, wills, and long-term care in a safe and supported way. It removes you from the role of ‘nagging adult child’ and puts a professional in the driver’s seat. You can use my free Find an Adviser link help them connect with someone appropriate:

The second step is having an honest conversation with your siblings. Not about fairness in theory, but about the actual load you’re carrying: the hours, the tasks, thedecisions, and the emotional toll. People often don’t help because they genuinely don’t understand what’s required. Once they see the reality, you can discuss how responsibilities can be shared – even from afar.

Most importantly, your parents need clarity about what they want for their later years. The absence of planning only increases the burden on you and sets everyone up for panic down the track.

You deserve time with your parents that isn’t defined by stress. You deserve support. And you deserve a family approach, not a solo effort.

Best regards,

Vanessa.