Diana Ross, barbecues and King George V: How England flip Christmas Day Down Under into a celebration – even when the Ashes are misplaced

England’s cricketers began their Christmas Day yesterday at the MCG practising for the penultimate match of an increasingly sobering tour of Australia.

Not the naughty boy nets some might envisage following reports of their off-field activities on Queensland’s coastal resort of Noosa earlier this month, but a traditional feature of Ashes series Down Under, stretching back more than a century.

Training was followed by a Secret Santa for players and coaching staff in the changing rooms of the cavernous Melbourne ground – insert your own jokes here about the unwrapping of Alka-Seltzer and dry toast – before the squad reconvened at their Hyatt hotel for a Christmas lunch with partners, children and other family members.

The festive period of the trip coincides with the fortnight in which loved ones have joined tours and the sight of Stokes Jnr and Root Jnr playing on the outfield while their dads went about their usual pre-match routines is synonymous with modern times.

It is all a far cry from the days when players travelled alone and were made to feel a long way from home by the month-long boat voyages it took to get there and back. Replicating the familiar festive feel isn’t easy when it’s 30°C outside, but it is said that one of the most historic Christmas Days helped by featuring ‘a few snow flurries and fires in the hotel grates’.

That was back in 1932 during the infamous Bodyline tour when Douglas Jardine’s team were in Hobart over the holiday period. They stayed up late on what was a rest day in a weather-hit draw with Tasmania to listen to a radio address from King George V – the first Christmas broadcast by a British monarch.

England spent Christmas at the MCG four years ago, already 3-0 down and with coach Chris Silverwood (second left) and captain Joe Root (second right) fighting for their jobs

There is just as much heat on Ben Stokes’ side this time around, with the nights out in Noosa still ringing in their ears

It preceded a Bazballian 50 in just 37 minutes by Les Ames on Boxing Day and England players under scrutiny for their behaviour. However, it must be said that back then it was almost exclusively reserved for on-field conduct and that of Jardine in winning back the urn at all costs.

Happy Christmases Down Under have been like hen’s teeth for England captains since. Most of them will have had a change in fortune top of their list for Santa. But a sense of humour in adversity has prevailed, not least with the activities of the 1980s and 90s when players would spend Christmas Day in fancy dress.

The touring squad would be given themes in advance – sometimes a letter of the alphabet, on other occasions a period of history or geographical location – then handed the names of shops in Melbourne where they could purchase their attire. It would, according to some, bring out the competitive spirit in players to be their best not-selves. ‘No one wanted to look s***,’ one of the 1980s tourists reckoned.

To be fair, there were some stunning results. Phil DeFreitas made such an effort to become Diana Ross in 1986-87 that his captain Mike Gatting chuckles recalling one of England’s heroes that winter being chatted up by a couple of blokes in the hotel lobby.

Frances Edmonds, wife of spin bowler Phil Edmonds, reckoned DeFreitas owned the best legs of any man or woman she’d ever seen. Alec Stewart revealed he’d shaved them meticulously. Gladstone Small, or Zorro as he was temporarily known 29 years ago, joked: ‘He looked too good, to be honest. He must have done it before!’

There had not been the same level of attention for another moustachioed player, Chris Tavare, when he had opted for Coronation Street icon Hilda Ogden four years earlier.

Champagne flowed from 8.30am in 1986, followed by drinks with the travelling press corps. Spirits are naturally high when you’re 1-0 up rather than 3-0 down and no one batted an eyelid about the boozing. Indeed, Elton John sending bottomless supplies of bubbly to the away dressing room at the MCG to celebrate an unassailable 2-0 advantage has become the stuff of Ashes legend.

Mike Atherton’s band were not so merry men in 1994-95, but when he dressed up as Robin Hood hours after Australia closed the first day of the second Test hours earlier on 220 for seven (the match continued on Boxing Day) at least the Ashes were still alive.

Elton John sprays captain Mike Gatting after the innings victory at the MCG in 1986 that sealed the Ashes for England

Phil DeFreitas as Diana Ross on the 1986-87 tour – when England were on their way to a series victory

Michael Atherton as Robin Hood, physio Dave Roberts as the Fairy Godmother and Graham Gooch not as involved, on the 1994-95 tour

On this particular tour, Gatting had morphed into King Henry VIII and chairman of selectors Ray Illingworth fittingly turned up as Ming the Merciless, at a time when the axe was wielded rather more frequently than it is now. This was the last one which featured a pantomime put on by the media and ‘turns’ being expected on stage from newbie Ashes tourists, which usually involved poking fun at management figures like Doug Insole.

Modern versions feature Father Christmas visiting the team room at the hotel to hand out presents for the kids and a full Christmas dinner with a dozen to a table.

Yesterday’s meal certainly represented an upgrade from the Covid tour of four years ago when the ECB booked out The Sandbar, a beachside eatery in the Melbourne suburb of Middle Park, and players were served sausages from a barbecue to accompany a selection of cold ham and turkey plus coleslaw – a ‘horrendous experience’ according to one player who noted that this was meant to be their ‘fuel’ for facing Australia less than 24 hours later.

It was in keeping with general English cricket experiences Down Under – demoralising.