My buddy showered me with items… then made an indecent proposal. DEAR JANE, I can not abdomen what I may need to do

Dear Jane,

I thought my friend was being kind and generous – but boy, was I wrong.

We’d been friends for well over a decade until we had a falling out, but she recently reached out to rekindle our relationship. She said she missed me and wanted to try to work on our friendship – so I, cautiously, agreed.

It started off innocently enough. We’d grab dinner, lunch or drinks to casually catch up. But those occasional hangs took a darker turn.

One day, a package arrived at my door. Upon opening, I realized it was from my friend – and it was a designer handbag. With it was a note about how grateful she was for our friendship, so she had bought me a ‘little something.’

Yeah, a ‘little something’ worth a lot of money. I felt guilty. Why would she spend all that on me? Sure, she works a high-paying job, but it was still an immensely generous gift to give someone out of the blue.

Then, she started sending me money – $10 here and there for coffee eventually turned into $50 or more for dinners ‘on her.’

I could never repay the favor, but she didn’t seem to mind, telling me she made so much money she didn’t know what to do with all of it.

Months went by and, despite my guilt at accepting the lavish presents, I didn’t suspect anything was up. Then, the other shoe dropped.

She asked me to act as a referral for a job. She had been fired from her last role and wanted me to pretend to be an old boss of hers so I could help her get a new job.

That’s when it dawned on me: all of the gifts and money were, essentially, a bribe. She was buttering me up for a favor – one that I wasn’t comfortable fulfilling.

I refused, of course (and was met with frustration and anger from her). But that isn’t the problem. Nor is our now non-existent friendship the issue either.

It’s the gifts… In telling her no, do I have to give it all back?

Sincerely,

Can’t Be Bought

Dear Can’t Be Bought,

It’s a horrible feeling to know, or at least strongly suspect, that you have been used. 

But remember this: you agreed to nothing. 

You accepted her generosity thinking it was out of the goodness of her heart. Even though you felt slightly guilty about having so many gifts foisted upon you, it’s entirely natural to think, ‘Yes, it’s a little odd,’ but also, ‘How lovely.’

The fact the gifts were essentially a bribe is not your problem.

So, the short answer is: you have no obligation to give any of it back. 

You accepted it in good faith, and legally, unsolicited gifts without conditions are just that – gifts.

You describe your relationship as now being non-existent, which is probably the healthiest outcome. I assume she won’t be in touch to ask for anything back, but if she does, know that it’s entirely up to you. 

If it makes you feel better, you could return the designer handbag. It might help you feel a little cleaner and, more importantly, give you closure. 

You could send it with a note saying that you think it best to return the bag because you accepted it thinking it was a gift. However, now that you believe it has strings attached, you no longer feel comfortable keeping it.

And, if you are uncomfortable using the bag but do not wish to have anything to do with her again, you can always re-gift it. 

I received a beautiful caftan a year ago by someone who also turned out not to be a good friend. I was tempted to return the caftan, but instead chose to give it away to someone else so I am not reminded of that person each time I wear it. 

Dear Jane,

I recently started dating a guy who is divorced.

Him being a young divorcee isn’t the issue – but his relationship with his ex is.

We’re in our thirties and he chalks up the short-lived marriage as a hasty mistake with someone who, as he says, wasn’t ‘the one.’

Yet, despite a divorce, the two of them are still close – like, very close. They text constantly and they have the same friend group, so they see each other often enough.

But in my opinion, there’s no reason to be that chummy with an ex, especially with whom you share neither a child nor even a pet. Being cordial is one thing, but this is another level.

I’ve tried to tell him that their friendship makes me uncomfortable, but he says they realized they were better off as just that – friends.

I, however, find it bizarre. I would never be that close to someone I used to date (let alone be married to), not because of hatred but because it would be insensitive to a future partner.

I don’t know how to get this through his head. Frankly, he doesn’t seem to care that it bothers me, which is a huge red flag.

Is it wrong to give him an ultimatum: the ex or me?

Sincerely,

Fishy Friendship

Dear Fishy Friendship,

On the surface, there is nothing wrong with friendship after divorce, particularly if there is a shared friend group and no great betrayal that ended the marriage.

But the issue is not that he has a relationship with his ex. You have expressed your discomfort more than once and rather than hearing you and trying to make you feel comfortable, he is dismissing you. Worse – he does not care that this upsets you.

I don’t think it unreasonable to question this. 

When I first met my (now former) husband, his ex used to call him all the time if she needed anything fixed, or to be picked up when her car had broken down. 

I didn’t care much at all because I was secure in how he felt about me. But in hindsight, perhaps I should have cared a bit more. 

What I didn’t realize at the time was there was a lack of boundaries, which ultimately became an insurmountable problem and led to the end of our marriage.

But it also is unfair to give your boyfriend an ultimatum. It will create a power struggle in which there’s no way to win. 

If he chooses you, he might resent you for forcing him to make a choice he didn’t want to make.

You can, however, ask for boundaries that protect the relationship between the two of you. 

Perhaps that looks like less frequent texting and transparency about his communication with her. Maybe it would be helpful if he gave you more reassurance, or acted in a way that made you feel more secure in your relationship.

If he’s unable to meet you somewhere in the middle, then perhaps your boyfriend, however wonderful he may be, is not right for you.