‘I gave my daughter all my cash however now she refuses to talk to me’
JUST JANE: Today our agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is dealing with a new issue from a Daily Star reader who made the mistake of bailing out her girl and is now paying the price
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She’s broken my heart
Back in September I gave my daughter and new son-in-law a substantial sum of money to pay off their debts – and they haven’t spoken to me since. I didn’t see them over Christmas and didn’t get a card, let alone a phone call. I’m at a loss to understand what I’ve done wrong. She’s blocked me on social media. We haven’t had a row or a single cross word, yet I’ve been frozen out. She messages my ex-husband (her father) to let him know that everything is okay, but it breaks my heart that I’m no longer involved in her life.
Everything started back in the summer when she came to me in despair. She explained that her December 2024 wedding and honeymoon had cost far more than they’d let on. On top of that giving up their jobs and travelling around the world for six months had cost them a fortune. They had credit card debts up to their eyeballs.
Could I help with a very large loan? I thought about it and decided to give them money my late aunt left me in her will. I decided that the money would be a one-off gift.
At first, my girl was overwhelmed with gratitude. She promised to pay me back every penny, even though I made it clear I didn’t expect her too. (I was worried about heaping on additional pressure.)
She sent me a ‘thank you’ text’, but I haven’t heard another word. My heart is broken. I thought I was doing a good thing, but money has come between us, and I don’t know if our relationship can ever be the same again. Where did I go wrong?
JANE SAYS: Unfortunately, money has a way of embarrassing and dividing people. I can’t believe that your daughter is feeling anything less than rotten right now. As adults we like to think that we can stand on our own two feet; so, going to you for money must have been hard. Her pride would have taken a battering. It could be that she’s reluctant to invite you back into her life in case you question her lifestyle or current spending.
I believe that you only wanted the best for your girl and acted with good intentions. But maybe she feels humiliated and indebted because she made a mess of things and now you have something over her.
Could you ask another family member to intervene and mediate? Is she being controlled by her new husband? Could you write her an old-fashioned letter asking for a meeting on neutral ground? Ultimately, she is still your daughter, and nothing is more important that family and love. Sadly, if she isn’t ready yet to meet you halfway, then get on with your life and force yourself to stop looking back. See friends, make plans, and think twice about sharing your money again in future.
Leave the door open and wait for her to come back to you in her own time. If she never does, then that will be very upsetting, but you know, in your heart, that you haven’t done anything wrong. You can’t force a person to do something they don’t want to do. It could be that she finally feels grown up and free having cut the apron strings.
Bad sex is my fault
I’m too exhausted for sex and this upsets my husband greatly. Not only do I work full-time, but I help my elderly parents and care for our three teenagers. The last thing I feel like at bedtime is any form of physical intimacy.
My husband accuses me of being selfish and cold, yet, on the rare occasions we attempt sex, he either struggles to get an erection or doesn’t orgasm at all. Bizarrely I then get the blame for that too because he feels under pressure to perform. When did something as lovely as sex become so complicated? And why is everything always my fault?
JANE SAYS: Talking about sex is hard, no matter how old we are, but your husband must hear that you’re struggling and that you feel this disconnect too.
Remember that you are entitled to personal happiness and sexual satisfaction. Don’t allow your job or relatives to overwhelm you. Make your relationship – and your sex life – a priority again. Carve out some unbreakable couple time; walk, talk and have fun again.
Think about how much time you spent in bed as a younger couple. Consider seeing a sex therapist but also remember that sex is so good for lifting the spirits and enhancing feelings of wellbeing.
Charity begins at home
My neighbour does a lot for charity – and never stops bragging about it. I’m sick of her tapping me up for cash. Isn’t the whole point of ‘do-gooding’ that you offer your time and services privately?
She’s just asked us all to sponsor her, yet again. Dare I warn her that she’s in danger of losing my friendship?
JANE SAYS: If your neighbour volunteers in order to brag then that’s shabby, but not uncommon. I suggest you come clean and level with her today.
Explain that it’s the beginning of the new year and you’re going to start as you mean to go on. Wish her luck with her latest effort but ask her not to embarrass you with any further requests for cash. Point out that you’ve done your bit.
