‘Girlfriend tells me to thrust more durable in mattress – she’s turning me right into a intercourse robotic’
JUST JANE: Today our agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is dealing with a new issue from a Daily Star reader who is sick of being pushed around and disrespected
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From bedroom confessions to self-confidence issues , drug use and everything else, Jane has helped thousands of Daily Star readers over the years and isn’t slowing down.
If you want help, you can write to Just Jane, Daily Star, One Canada Square, London, E145AP or email [email protected]. Please note that Jane cannot respond to individual letters and not all problems will be published.
She’s a prize sulker
My girlfriend is a perfectionist. She is obsessed with controlling every aspect of my life. She is determined that I must stay at a particular weight and ‘fat shames’ me if I put on a couple of pounds. She handpicks my clothes and even styles my hair. Every time we have sex, she calls the shots and I must do as I’m told – I’m instructed to ‘kiss here, stroke there and thrust harder’ like a pre-programmed robot. Over the years she’s gradually separated me from my friends and now we only mix with her extended family in pubs and cafes. Any time I mention visiting my parents she comes up with an excuse. Yet if I go anywhere on my own, she sulks.
More than once, she’s accused me of loving my family more than her. The truth is that she doesn’t like other people coming to our home. She admits she prefers it when it’s ‘just us.’ We’ve renovated our house from top to bottom, and it looks amazing. I’d like to be able to socialise and show it off to family and friends, only she moans whenever I suggest a dinner or party and sulks if anyone turns up uninvited.
Recently she was very rude towards an old mate of mine who dropped by with a Christmas gift. I offered him a drink, and he stayed for less than an hour, but my girl was furious. She banged around with the Henry like a brat until he was embarrassed into leaving.
I don’t like living like this. I frequently feel isolated especially when she pops on her headphones and starts cleaning the house from top to bottom – yet again.
How do I get her to calm down and become more open hearted and sociable when she’s getting worse with age?
JANE SAYS: Your sex life sounds rigid and cold. Where is the love or the passion or the spontaneity? Insist that everything changes. Remind your girl that you’re in a partnership. Introduce compromise. Sometimes you do things her way, other days it’s your turn to call the shots. You cannot allow her to overwhelm you. If you’re a sociable person who enjoys entertaining and having people round, then she needs to respect and accommodate that. Agree to meet her halfway; if big parties stress her out, then agree to smaller numbers but don’t lose your energy or sight of who you are.
As for day-to-day living; it’s vital that you’re proactive. Attempt to make new friends, or reconnect with old ones. You cannot allow yourself to sink in a sea of inactivity just because she has a strong personality and is inclined to sulk. Speaking of which, she must hear that is not acceptable. She may insist that she only pushes you around because she cares, but her mind games are robbing you of your freedom and identity. It’s highly possible that she suffers from low self-esteem.
Keeping you under her thumb makes her feel slightly better about herself, but she’s never at peace for long. It would be wonderful if you could talk to her and ask her to open up. Does she admit that she has a problem? Should she speak to her GP?
Best of both
My guy has stunned me by announcing that he plans to have sex with men and women in future. I thought we were in a committed relationship and don’t know what this means for me. Is he going to put himself out there on dating apps and paint the town red? Why aren’t I enough for him?
He says I must stop putting pressure on him and give him time while he gets his head together. How much time is he going to need? How long does he expect me to hang around?
JANE SAYS: It must have taken a huge amount of courage for your boyfriend to start being honest with you. Understandably you’re now confused about your place in his life, but if he’s asked you to step back and give him some space, then that’s what you need to do.
For your part, I suggest you turn to friends and relatives for help and support for yourself. Think about what you want. Surely, it’s best your guy is honest about who is he so that he can be his true self? This doesn’t have to signal the end of your association but it’s important to establish relationship rules and boundaries especially regarding your emotional and sexual health. He’s still the same person you fell in love with, but this is a different era for you both.
Left in a pickle
My wife died leaving her paperwork and finances in a complete mess. We always had separate bank accounts. It was only after she passed away that I realised how much money she spent on subscriptions, direct debits and standing orders.
I couldn’t find important documents because she didn’t leave any notes, instructions or passwords. Ironically, she was a bookkeeper. I trusted her to keep on top of her filing and paperwork, while I concentrated on my own finances. The resulting additional stress has been horrendous. How do I stop myself from hating her memory when I thought we had a good marriage?
JANE SAYS: It’s possible that your wife was exhausted and confused in the later part of her life and the paperwork simply overwhelmed her.
Forgive her so that you can move on. Accept that she never meant to disappoint or inconvenience you.
But this is a lesson for all of us; we must talk to our loved ones about administrative issues like paperwork during the good times so that everything is open and clear. The point is that no one ‘tempts fate’ by writing a will, considering Lasting Power of Attorney, or discussing the whereabouts of important documents and files. Remember cruse.org.uk for support.
Bed and bored
My girlfriend has given up her job. She’s now a ‘lady of leisure’ but she didn’t discuss this with me. I’m paying all the bills and have had to borrow money from my mum and dad. My girl says she might look for something in the spring. In the meantime, she doesn’t get out of bed until noon. How dare she?
JANE SAYS: Could your girl be exhausted or depressed? Does she need to speak to her GP? Promise to support her in getting any help she needs. Look at your outgoings and see where savings could be made. Share your worries with family so that you’re not brought down too. If you suspect she’s taking advantage, then insist on an honest chat. Is this a relationship breaker as far as you’re concerned?
