How to cease poisonous perfectionism ruining your life: So many ladies are unknowing victims – however you may escape this pernicious cycle, says DR SIAN WILLIAMS. My eight easy ideas will allow you to beat procrastination and self-doubt, and discover happiness

A familiar question at job interviews is: ‘What would you say is your greatest fault?’ You might reply, with a modest smile: ‘Perfectionism.’ Because who doesn’t want a perfectionist on their team? They check the details, they stay late, they get stuff done.

With high standards and even higher expectations, perfectionists are the maximisers who squeeze every drop out of their social, home and work lives. They are relentlessly busy and make each moment count. I know all this, because I have been a perfectionist myself.

Hard work and a quest for constant improvement have served me well, as they probably have you. When things are in balance, the inner perfectionist voice can make you conscientious and help you better yourself.

It can be encouraging and motivating, reminding you that the exam is not going to pass itself, or that it might be fun to try something new, like learning a new language or dance step or changing career.

But there can be a major downside to perfectionism, where this relentless ­pursuit of excellence can become punishing and even lead to mental and physical ill health.

The ‘good’ version of perfectionism seems to help you strive and thrive; the ‘bad’ can lead to stress, anxiety and burnout. One appears to have a dose of kindness to it, reminding you to stop and recharge.

The other is hectoring and, along with anxiety, forms the root of many other mental health issues like obsessive compulsive disorder, social phobia, insomnia and disordered eating, including orthorexia or obsessively healthy eating.

Do you suffer from ‘bad’ perfectionism? To find out, try the test below. Developed by US psychologist Alexandra Burgess and colleagues, it is designed to determine whether perfectionism pushes you (good) or punishes you (bad).

The Australian clinical ­psychologist Jennifer Kemp has devised a list of what she calls ‘five processes of unhelpful ­perfectionism’. See how many ring true for you:

1. Setting very high, inflexible and ambitious standards, which are repeatedly raised and which you think say something about who you are.
2. An intense fear of failure, with little or no celebration when you meet a goal or standard, just relief that you haven’t failed.
3. Relentless self-criticism and shame, which leave you thinking you are never good enough.
4. Persistent attempts to avoid failure and self-criticism by avoiding people, places and situations or using busyness, overwork or obsessiveness.
5. Long-term problems in life, such as procrastination or burnout, because of an unwillingness to experience failure.

Perfectionism has become more common in the past three decades with a rise in competitiveness and individualism, increasing the pressure to succeed and excel.

Dr Thomas Curran, a researcher in perfectionism at the London School of Economics, says overly focusing on achievement means that even people who accomplish a lot – and are seen to be doing so – may not feel good enough. They reach the goal, but they then feel like they have more to prove. So, they set another, even higher, goal. And so, it goes on.

Many of us have perfectionist tendencies. But we tend to experience them differently, in three main ways.

The first, ‘self-orientated perfectionism’, is when you have extremely high standards and a strong self-critical voice. This can drive you to succeed and be healthy if you enjoy what you’re doing and know when you need to take a break. But ‘neurotic’ – or highly anxious – self-orientated perfectionists don’t. They strive for excellence to an unhealthy extreme and will work to the point of burnout.

This second form of perfectionism is called ‘other-orientated’, which means expecting others to match your own high standards, and feeling angry or let down if they don’t meet them.

Someone who jumps out of bed in the morning because they feel like they’re wasting the day and need to be maximising their waking hours may become frustrated, and show it, if their partner doesn’t do the same.

Colleagues who put everything and more into their job, setting goals and targets for themselves and perhaps working more hours than they’re paid, might get tetchy when others don’t appear to put in the same effort.

The last tendency is the biggest and most destructive: ‘socially prescribed perfectionism’.

That’s when you think other ­people expect very high standards from you and you must meet them to be accepted.

For those with low self-esteem and a strong self-critical voice, making mistakes or ­showing imperfection may reveal what you truly believe about yourself – that you are worthless and unlovable.

In a study looking at more than 40,000 students across the UK, Canada and the US over nearly three decades, all forms of perfectionism had risen, but socially ­prescribed perfectionism saw the biggest spike.

That’s bad news, because it’s the type of perfectionism linked most closely to depression, ­anxiety and suicidal thoughts.

So, what can we do about it? How can we manage perfectionism without procrastinating or burning out? Here are some tricks and tips to help:

When perfectionism can be useful… 

In sport, psychologists think perfectionistic striving can be useful in pursuing excellence.

Sportspeople tend to place a high value on perfectionism, believing it drives them towards the goal they train for hours, days and months to reach. And they can be right about that.

The precise, exacting rules for life and the dedication and ­discipline that come with them can lead to great success.

… and when it’s not

American gymnast Simone Biles pulled out of the team competition at the 2020 Olympics in Tokyo after experiencing something called ‘the twisties’.

This is a mental block where the body and brain stop talking to one another while the gymnast is airborne, causing them to lose their sense of where they are in the air.

Biles has won 11 Olympic medals and 30 World Championship medals, but she knew she needed to stop and prioritise her mental wellbeing. To learn to live with less-than-perfect.

‘Put your mental health first,’ she said afterwards. ‘It doesn’t matter if you’re on the biggest stage – that’s more important than any medal you could win.’

Dump the self-blame

Think about what you were told about mistakes when you were growing up. A study in the US and China looked at how parental responses to failure affected a child’s functioning.

If that child came home with a lower-than-expected test score but the parents focused on what they got right rather than wrong, the child showed greater wellbeing, called a ‘success-orientated response’. A ‘failure-orientated response’, concentrating on what they got wrong, led to worse wellbeing, including higher levels of depression and anxiety.

Embrace imperfection

This is hard to achieve, especially as we are bombarded with pro-perfectionist messaging on social media – images of the perfect life, career, skin, body, relationship, meal or outfit.

Try a balanced approach. Be an imperfectionist for a while and see how you respond to it. Start very small, like wearing mismatched socks or going without make-up.

Break the hold of perfectionist thinking

Common perfectionist thinking includes thoughts like ‘I must make the most of every minute’; ‘I must always be working towards something’; ‘I find it hard to do nothing’; ‘I never feel at ease’.

If you find yourself saying some of these things, recognise them as coming from a place of perfectionism. It’s only your brain trying to protect you from failure, perceived criticism and rejection.

Ask yourself: Whose praise are you seeking? Whose love are you hoping to earn? How much do you need to succeed before you feel you have worth?

Recognise when you’re procrastinating

If you feel overwhelmed by the things that need doing and panicked by failing at them, there can be a tendency to just… stop.

Everyone procrastinates, and the worse we feel, the easier it is to avoid the task.

Whatever we choose to put in its place – watching videos on our phones, getting another snack, tackling smaller non-urgent tasks – we are avoiding uncomfortable feelings and replacing them with a short-term, feel-good hit of something else.

Later, with the big task still not done, we may beat ourselves up about it. So just start, break it down into tiny steps, understand and forgive yourself your procrastination.

You’re not under the scrutiny you think

We are not the focus of attention for most people, even if we might think we are constantly being noticed and evaluated.

This feeling of being under scrutiny goes back to our hardwired brain and needing to defend ourselves from the threat of being excluded, and it’s called ‘the spotlight effect’.

This heightened sensitivity can lead to performance anxiety, imposter syndrome and social anxiety.

Remind yourself that you matter

Healthy strivers may get knocked back, fail and experience rejection, but inside they know they still matter.

Feeling like you don’t matter to ­others, or that you need to achieve or succeed to matter, can lead to ­isolation and depression.

Perfectionists who don’t feel they matter, especially those with a tendency for socially prescribed perfectionism, may engage in endless self-publicity or avoid revealing failings and mistakes.

We know that feeling valued by others, irrespective of expectations or success, leads to lower rates of anxiety and depression and higher levels of motivation. If you haven’t had that, you’ll need to nurture it in yourself.

THE STUDENTS BURDENED BY GREAT EXPECTATIONS 

I saw a lot of perfectionism when I worked as a counsellor for a top London university. Many of the students who came for therapy were international. Their parents or grandparents helped them financially and they needed to get the results to prove they were worth it.

The pressure often led to a common perfectionist avoidance tactic – procrastination. One student told me her self-doubt about what was expected of her had stopped her attending lectures and workshops, which was a ‘waste of money, as I’m not learning’. This led to her falling behind, which created shame and stress, intensifying the anxiety and leading to more avoidance.

A medical student from a family of doctors told me: ‘My siblings are more focused, reliable and will achieve much more than me.’ I asked her what her positive qualities were.

She said it felt arrogant to talk about them but freely gave me the negative ones, including being childish, undisciplined, unfocused and apathetic. ‘I need to succeed,’ she stressed.

Another said she thought she was always being judged and had become obsessed with an ‘ideal’ body shape. She would go for long periods without eating, then binge and purge, resulting in deep feelings of shame, disgust and the belief that she was ‘out of control, stupid, ugly and undesirable’.

These students were at a university that was incredibly hard to get into. Some were master’s students. Most had parents who were critical or had high expectations of them.

All were perfectionists, struggling with self-esteem, who felt incredibly lonely.

Why lonely? Because this high-achieving way of being and the hyper-competitiveness that comes with it can lead to isolation. Wanting to be perfect so others will like and value you may be the very thing that turns them away.

Adapted from The Power Of Anxiety by Dr Sian Williams, published by Allen & Unwin at £14.99 To order a copy for £13.49 (offer valid to March 21; UK p&p free on offers over £25) go to mailshop.co.uk/books or call 020 3176 2937.