JAN MOIR: Harry & Meghan traded of their previous to safe a golden future. Instead, it is simply jamtastic carnage

Prince Harry has done his nut over biographer Tom Bower’s new book, Betrayal: Power, Deceit And The Fight For The Future Of The Royal Family.

Instead of sensibly ignoring the author’s claims – including an assertion that Queen Camilla believes Meghan has ‘brainwashed’ her husband – he released a furious statement describing Bower’s writing as ‘deranged conspiracy and melodrama’ and that the author has ‘long crossed the line from criticism into fixation’.

Crikey, is that what Harry really believes? That anyone who writes about the Duke and Duchess of Sussex on a regular basis (ahem) is somehow personally obsessed or fixated with them, instead of merely reporting on the antics of Montecito’s very own Mickey and Minnie Mouse, aka the most calamitous couple to ever caper into the royal circus?

The Sussexes get written about not only because they are part of the most famous family on the planet, but mostly because they are so grimly fascinating; as highly strung as racehorses, for ever storming around complaining about slights real or imagined, always newsworthy, and shiny and whiny as they provide a timely masterclass in exactly what can go wrong when entitlement, hubris and delusion clash head on with a lack of discernible talent and authenticity.

Whether swirling a fruit-forward spread into bowls of yoghurt to make a parfait bar for a party breakfast (Meghan) or being paid to deliver the keynote speech at a convention of estate agents in Toronto (Harry), the Sussexes deliver headlines like a postman delivers the mail – they are on your doormat and in your face, almost on a daily basis.

If the Duke and Duchess of Edinburgh were thrashing around the world flogging £30 jars of marmalade to gullible housewives, complaining about being pushed onto a dog bowl or making ladybird-shaped sandwiches for imaginary friends, we’d all be writing about them instead.

Instead, Sophie and Edward dutifully trudge around doing their royal business. This recently included visiting a Rotherham training centre, meeting GB Elite athletes, campaigning for Race Against Dementia and attending a Creative Youth dinner in Surbiton.

It’s not glamorous, its not cocktails at Jeff Bezos’s with the Kardashians, it is the boring bread and butter of royal life, all the dull stuff that Harry and Meghan didn’t want to do.

And in their great Sussexian quest to matter, to live bigger lives and become very important yet lovable and glamorous humanitarians, they have turned themselves into a spectacle you can’t tear your eyes away from.

Like a throbbing, twin-peaked boil on the rump of the monarchy, Harry and Meghan are impossible to ignore – but has their bubble finally burst?

It has been six years, almost to the day, since the pair of them moved to California. Oh, they had such big plans to reinvent themselves; to become successful philanthropists-cum-content creators, while making a huge fortune and carving ‘out a progressive new role’ within the Royal Family. Anything seemed possible.

They wanted to cure Covid single-handedly. They wanted to change the world. They launched companies, joined companies, became companies, changed companies, and accepted awards on behalf of companies.

And what is the situation now? A jamtastic carnage of broken dreams, bad headlines and failed projects. For I think we can safely say that whatever it is that the Sussexes are selling, America isn’t buying it any more. Thanks, but no thanks.

Yes, Harry’s autobiography Spare, plus the couple’s Netflix series about themselves along with that tearful interview with Oprah, all did boffo box office.

Yet once the Sussexes had told their story and established their victimhood, what was left in the tank? Nothing much. Desultory podcasts. Impactful initiatives that failed to have much impact. Projects seized upon and then forgotten. Flower sprinkles. Mental health strategies.

And in the great meritocracy of the USA could people really warm to a grown man who complained about a father who ‘cut me off financially’ and a grown woman who ignores her own sick and ailing dad?

In some lights, they come across as a pair of dopes, not the exemplars of all that is good, as they fondly imagine.

Following lacklustre ratings for With Love, Meghan – the lifestyle series that was a selling point for the Duchess’s preposterous As Ever range of products – the show is no more. Netflix, their last remaining showbiz lifeline, has stepped back, vaguely promising to air a seasonal special at some point, perhaps on the twelfth of never when the moon is blue and some pigs are flying across it.

Major media companies such as Disney, Apple and Warner Bros seem to have very little interest in the Sussexes, so what next for Mickey and Minnie?

Meghan wants to get into the wellness racket although the public have tired of celebrity-led brands, becoming wise to the lack of quality, high prices and image-heavy products that are pushed. They no longer have the appeal they once had, but the Duchess has no choice but to carry on.

This week she announced a new collab with an upmarket floral company in which she is selling a box of flowers plus some tins of her herb tea for £191. What!? I haven’t laughed so much since last Wednesday, when Meghan offered a free bar of chocolate with As Ever orders over £130. It is all so insane, so fantastical, so ludicrous. Who is buying this, in every sense? And who will continue to buy into it?

Not so long ago, the Sussexes traded in their past in the hope of securing a golden future, but it doesn’t seem to have worked.

As the wheels start to come off their bandwagon, rumours abound that the family will have to relocate back to the UK, bringing Meghan’s ten million jars of jam with them. I find this also fantastical, an unimaginable melodrama, a forgiveness too far for the Prince and Princess of Wales. Not to mention everyone else, too.

For if America doesn’t want them, neither do we.

Dua has a shot at coffee ads

In the glossy world of brand ambassadors and global faces, Dua Lipa has teamed up with George Clooney to advertise the Nespresso coffee brand.

The 30-year-old singer has been recruited by the company to give it a bit of Gen Z pep because ol’ Grandpa George has been working for them for 20 years.

The campaign will apparently introduce ‘an elevated experience’ that is ‘a modern expression of a commitment to exploration’, whatever the hell that means.

It’s just a cup of coffee, darlings. And not a very good one at that.

Still, the best we can all hope for every morning is that our coffee kicks in before reality does.

Queen of green! Only Anne could recycle 57-year-old coat

In other royal news, Princess Anne recycles a coat she first wore 57 years ago, while Queen Camilla has her eyebrows tattooed.

Readers, I feel this would be much more interesting if Anne had been tattooed and Camilla was thrashing around in ancient rags, but I cannot control the news narrative, so you’ll just have to put up with it.

At a Windsor Castle banquet this week, the Princess Royal wore a white, floor-length opera coat she first donned to attend a film premiere in 1969. ‘A good suit goes on for ever’, she once said. ‘If it is properly made and has a classic look, you can wear it ad infinitum.’

The Princess Royal is one of those women who always looks classic, put together and totally herself – undyed hair swept up in a bun, little or no make-up, sensible shoes. And it works.

In addition, she is still the same dress size she was as a teenager and that’s even more admirable.

Still, who else but a princess would and could wear a white floor-length coat?

Or have the storage space to keep it for six decades.

A dog’s life for the Beckhams

Can anyone really be surprised that ‘designer’ dogs such as cockapoos and goldendoodles have more behavioural problems that pure bred dogs?

Researchers at the Royal Veterinary College looked at problem behaviour such as a fear of traffic or loud noises, separation-related issues and excitability. They found that in 82 per cent of cases where one doodle parent displayed some problem behaviour, their doodle offspring were likely to show a more exaggerated version of it.

That’s very, very interesting.

And I feel I understand the Beckham family a lot better.

No surprise that kisscam Kristin is struggling to find work now

Have we heard enough from the kisscam couple? Not quite yet, I am afraid.

Kristin Cabot was caught cuddling her boss Andy Byron in the infamous moment that later went viral during a Coldplay concert last summer.

Cabot was the head of human relations for Astronomer, a tech company. Byron was the CEO. In the embarrassing furore that followed, they both left their roles.

The fleeting incident – caught on camera and watched by millions –created havoc in their lives, which was rotten luck. Both were married when they attended the concert but Cabot now maintains she was in the process of divorcing her estranged husband and believed Byron was in a similar situation. She also claims that night was the beginning and end of their physical relationship.

‘He wasn’t the person he represented himself to be, to me – and lying is a non-negotiable for me,’ she said to Oprah Winfrey on an American podcast this week, sounding very pious and wounded. The couple are no longer friends and have not spoken to each other since last autumn. None of this makes much sense, but it is clear that even astronomers cannot know what is written in the stars for them.

And while I am sorry that Kristin is finding it hard to get work after leaving her job, isn’t her situation understandable? Who would employ a head of human relations who seemed ready, willing and more than able to start an affair with the company boss – whether he had left his wife or not?

The red faces caused by this incident were bad enough – but the workplace red flags it raised were even worse.