‘She will not cease getting off with different ladies – I need her to myself’
If you have a problem that needs solving and you don’t know where to turn, look no further.
Every day, the Daily Star’s very own agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is on hand to tackle your issues and concerns with some straight-talking but sound advice.
From bedroom confessions to self-confidence issues , drug use and everything else, Jane has helped thousands of Daily Star readers over the years and isn’t slowing down.
If you want help, you can write to Just Jane, Daily Star, One Canada Square, London, E145AP or email [email protected]. Please note that Jane cannot respond to individual letters and not all problems will be published.
On the pull
I can’t trust my girlfriend around other women.
She openly admits that she sexually attracted to strong, independent types – bosses, businesswomen etc
She loves me but she fancies them too.
I’m the cake but they’re the cherry on top…
She has an active social life with her pals from school.
They go to all sorts of alternative clubs and bars. They drink a bit, dance like fools and then go on the pull.
I’m fully aware that my girl snogs and beds any female she fancies.
She considers herself modern and cool. She boasts that she’s liberated and wild – but she gives no thought to my reputation or my feelings. All my male friends know about her second life because she brags about her conquests all the time. She doesn’t believe that sex with people of the same sex ‘counts’.
I’m a very open-minded guy. But cheating is cheating. Her argument is that she’s never slept with another guy while with me, so I’ve got nothing to complain about. Sometimes it feels as though she’s deliberately trying to wind me up and see how far she can push me.
I don’t want to lose her, because we’ve been together for a long time. Underneath it all, I know that she’s not a cruel person. How do I make her see that she getting carried away with herself?
JANE SAYS: Cheating is cheating – no matter who it’s with.
It doesn’t matter that your girl is ‘only’ sleeping with other women; if you don’t like the way she’s behaving then she needs to stop and listen to what you’re saying and sort herself out. The fact is that you can’t continue to hang around like a spare part while she cavorts all over town. Tell her that you wish her well, but now need to distance yourself from this selfishness, because it’s bringing you down. You need to think about your own emotional wellbeing. At the moment everything is messy and you’re not happy.
I get the impression that you have a very generous nature. I suspect, that by stepping back you will finally see her for what she really is – rather selfish and full of herself.
Start putting yourself first and don’t allow her, or anyone else, to mess with your head. She’s an adult with her own free will and no one is forcing her to do anything.
Black knickers
Not only is my boyfriend humiliating me with another lover, but he keeps bringing her back to our flat for sex whenever my back is turned.
I’m beyond furious. The other week I returned from a work trip to find a pair of black knickers on my pillow.
There were condoms in the bathroom bin and empty wine bottles in the kitchen. Naturally I confronted him and he tried to pretend that a bunch of pals had stopped over. When I threatened to phone them up to check he backed down and admitted that a lover had been round. He promised never to let me down again and I gave him a second chance. But now I’ve noticed that my sex toys have been moved. I’m so angry I can’t think straight.
JANE SAYS: Your man has no respect for you, your feelings or your sexual health. He couldn’t be more blatant if he tried. It’s almost as if he wants to get caught out…
Put him out of his misery today. Explain that you’ve reached the end of your tether and you’re no longer interested in his other women, his secrets or his lies.
Did this union run out of steam a long time ago and have you and he been going through the motions ever since? Breaking up is invariably tough, but you owe it yourself to get your life back. Set the wheels in motion and don’t ever look back, because you deserve so much more than this shabby soap opera.
Sticks and stones
I no longer feel like making love to my girlfriend. The problem is that she’s so horrible to me in everyday life. One minute she’s screaming at me for being useless, the next she’s talking about the type of wedding she wants – and then she expects me to make mad, passionate love to her. I’ve told her that I might be more turned on if she spoke to me decently, but her only response is: “Stop being such a pain”.
The other night she told me that she hated me ten minutes before we got into bed because I refused to give her £500 to cover her overdraft. Then she hit the roof when I turned over and attempted to go straight to sleep. The fact is that I strongly suspect that she does loathe me and only sticks around because she can’t find anyone else.
JANE SAYS: I’m concerned that you could end up sleepwalking into marriage – and untold unhappiness – with a woman who isn’t right for you. Talk to this woman today and make it clear that you will not go on like this. Whatever happened to respect, manners and speaking to each other civilly? Insist on a heart-to-heart. Make it clear how much she hurts you but let her have her say too. Then both vow to make changes and treat each other with proper respect in future. However, you need to set yourself a mental time limit.
Don’t be too frightened to walk away if this isn’t working or if she’s simply incapable of growing up or changing.
Your girlfriend sounds like a horrible bully. You cannot be her back up plan.
Shedload of misery
My husband has turned into a massive bore. He now spends more time in his garden shed than with me. He refuses to come up to the house when family visit and has started taking food down there too – so he can be gone for hours. I’m sick of making excuses for him. I’m also feeling increasingly lonely too. What is his problem?
JANE SAYS: Is your man depressed? Would he benefit from a chat with his GP? He needs to understand how frustrated and lonely you often feel. Is he willing to compromise or seek help? Is he prepared to see things from your point of view? Sadly, if he’s not willing to change, then maybe you’ll have to question whether this is the life you’re willing to go on living.
